


Little Things - Surrera One Shots

by TeddyTheCardioGoddess



Category: Station 19 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, One Shot, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-12
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:20:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 88,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25863475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeddyTheCardioGoddess/pseuds/TeddyTheCardioGoddess
Summary: A collection of my Surrera one shots
Relationships: Andy Herrera & Robert Sullivan, Andy Herrera/Robert Sullivan
Comments: 38
Kudos: 61





	1. The One With The Call

**Author's Note:**

> This one shot takes place in 3X09. Kind of smutty, kind of fluffy. Hope you enjoy!

“Herrera, a word.” Andy hears him calling her name from the other side of the station.

She looks at Jack for a moment, who gives her a knowing glance, as if he is in on the secret she hasn’t shared with a living soul yet. She tries to control the grin that creeps up her lips, but she fails miserably, ending up looking like a smitten teenage girl, who blushes every time the boy she likes gives her even a drop of attention. 

“My dad used to do that.” She fumbles with the buttons of her shirt, trying to get them closed as fast as possible. If Jack wasn’t around, she would have left them open and ran up to the chief’s office, but she doesn’t want to give him any further reason to suspect. 

“Do what?” 

“Bellow across the firehouse, summoning people like a king on a throne.” Andy closes her locker, her shirt still only half buttoned, leaving a confused Jack behind her. As she climbs up the stairs to his office, she feels a knot forming in the pit of her stomach, a mixed filling of anticipation and nerve. 

She notices the blinds of the office are closed, and she lets the breath she is holding in her lungs out as she knocks on the door. 

“Lieutenant Herrera.” He addressed her formally, and the smile she wears as he opens the door for her turns to a frown in a blink of an eye. “I have called you in because we have to discuss a very serious issue.” 

“What is it?” She asks. 

His answer is to lock the door from the inside and push her against it. She is taken by surprise by the way he kisses her, a deep kiss, filled with tongue and desire, one that makes her toes curl with pleasure and the knot inside of her belly grow even tighter. 

He kisses down her jaw as he murmurs. “The very pressing issue on the table is that I have missed you.” 

Andy wraps her arms around his neck, surrendering completely to the feel of his breaths on her neck. “You just saw me ten minutes ago.” She chuckles. 

“No, I mean, I missed having you.” 

She gives him an off sided look “We did it this morning. And last night. Have some self control.” 

“Around you? Never.” He promises. He reaches his hand for her ponytail and undoes it in one pull, letting her hair fall across her shoulders. His hand is in her hair immediately, and he moves her head a little to give him a better leverage to her neck. 

“Robert.” She moans his name when he bits down on the particular spot where her neck meets her right shoulder, a spot that he discovered is quite sensitive sometime last night. In the back of her mind crosses a thought, one that says that if he marks her like she is some kind of a horny teenager, it will be the death of him, but she can’t voice that thought, not when he sucks on that particular spot again. 

This will be so hard to explain. 

He lifts her up then, one hand supporting her weight as she wraps her legs around him. With his free hand, he pushes around some of the paper lying on his desk, and puts her down on it carefully, her legs still wrapped tightly across his waist. 

He goes back to kissing every part of her that he can reach. He pops a few of the buttons on the top of her shirt open, and as his hands slide down she breathes out “We are not having sex on the desk in your office.” 

They are definitely having sex on the desk in his office, if the wetness between her legs and his erection pressed to her hip are any indication. 

“So this was the very important thing you summoned me for? A booty call?” 

“Mmmm.” Robert hums his approval. He slides his hands beneath her shirt, his fingers traveling the lower part of her back, and Andy knows what his real destination is. 

“You men are all the same.” She teases him. 

He tags his shoulders up, not meaning to deny that her rear is one of the so many attractive attributes about her. As Robert falls down to his knees, Andy releases the grip on his neck, holding onto the table, her legs dangling in the air. He lifts her shirt half of the way up, and starts to kiss her belly. 

She giggles, but only until she hears the words “Medical response on channel 4, for aid car 19.” Andy sighs, murmuring a “Fuck”, and tries to stand back on her feet. Robert holds her in place, his hands pinning her thighs to the wooden surface, and the look on his eyes is one of both want and frustration. 

“Yeah, that is exactly what we are about to do.” 

“I am afraid not.” Andy grabs the hair tie and pulls her hair back into a ponytail. “Jack and I are on aid car duty today.” 

“I am just going to tell Maya to get someone to cover this one for you. You know, since I am the battalion chief and all.” Robert declares.

“Yeah, and what exactly are you going to tell her? That you and I both really wanna come so she just has to give me half an hour more?” 

As the both of them understand just how ridiculous that notion is, he finally lets go of her, and she is by the door in a matter of a second. 

“Please tell me we can at least pick up where we are leaving this off once you come back.” He begs, and Andy finds it almost cute. 

“I will think about it.” She gives him a vague answer, and a short kiss on the lips to put an end to their interrupted affair. As she opens the door and steps outside of his office, she steals one last glance at him. 

The effect they have on each other is astounding. Even as every muscle of her body aches, she still can’t get enough of him. She thinks she never will. 

He gives her a tired smile, but she is not fooled by it for even a moment. She has left him unsatisfied, high and dry, even if none of this is her fault. Being interrupted is a calculated risk once you are fooling around the station. Andy knows that better than anyone, learnt it the hard way. 

She races down the stairs, trying to make herself at least half presentable before she comes to a stop by the aid car. 

Jack is already leaning against the vehicle, waiting for her arrival. They ride silently, as she tries to straighten her clothing and calm her racing heartbeat as long as Jack is focused on the task of driving. 

As they come to a stop by the address that was given to them by dispatch, and unload the necessary equipment from the vehicle, Jack asks her “What was that about?” 

“What was what about?” She answers him with a question of her own, trying to play oblivious to his intention. 

“Top secret meeting with Sullivan, you coming out of his office looking like you were fighting a hurricane. Unsuccessfully, if I might add.” 

“It wasn’t a secret. He just gave me some tasks he wanted me to get done.” She tries to find an excuse that will sound somehow believable, even if as a battalion chief, he would pass whatever assignments he needs to be done to Maya, not directly to Andy. 

Jack moves closer to Andy, and for some reason he almost touches her ass. She turns around to reprimand him, until she sees what he is holding in his hand. “If it was only a meeting where he gave you a to do list, why do you have an ‘Urgent’ label stuck to your butt?” 

Andy is mortified, her face turning red, and if someone up there listened, the ground would have swallowed her whole. 

She really should have called sick this morning.


	2. Darkness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This is smuttier than my usual stuff, and contains more graphic details of sex. So read at your own risk. (It is not so bad tho)   
> Can't believe I am actually publishing it.   
> Krista said in an interview that she would like to explore a darker side of Andy, so this is where my mind went.   
> Hope you enjoy!

"Then I heard your heart beating,   
you were in the darkness too  
So I stayed in the darkness with you" 

-Cosmic Love, by Florence + The Machine 

************

She is here again. His Andy. 

He can feel her hovering outside his house, debating if she should reach her hand out and knock on the wooden door. The both of them know she is facing a battle doomed to failure, her desires will take the better part of her eventually. 

She needs to feel, and he is the only one who can make her forget, who can make her body blow up and her mind go silent, even for a short while.

A part of him feels shame, feels like he is taking advantage, even if she is the one coming to him. Even if she is the one who wants to play it rough, and he is the one who wants to kiss every inch of her body. Even if she is the one who seeks release, and he is the one who wants to hold her in his arms and whisper sweet nothings in her ear. 

He refuses to open the door until she knocks, even though he can see her silhouette reflecting through the window, crossing his threshold over and over again, fighting an inner battle, dancing in a mix of self loathing and passion threatening to burn her from the inside out. 

He releases the breath that was caught in his lungs when she finally, finally, knocks on the door. He opens it slowly, revealing her small figure standing at the entrance of his house, their house, as he still thinks of it that way. 

Ever since her mother came back, appeared out of thin air and made her way into Andy’s life, she hasn’t been the same. The changes are small, and someone else might not even notice them. 

But he knows her better. 

He knows every dimple in her skin, every flaw, every curve, every cell that makes her his Andy. She may fool everyone else with that smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes and those eyes that lost the way they sparkle, but she can’t fool him. 

Yet every time he asked, every time he cared or showed a sliver of interest, she pushed him away. And she kept on pushing, until their marriage crumbled to ashes, and there was nothing left to save but the ache in his chest and the love in his heart that pressed down on his body with every thought of her. 

His Andy. 

She walks in, moving past him, tired of waiting for an invitation, one that he is reluctant to give. She walks into his living room without saying as much as hello, and unzips the coat she is wearing. 

She has done it time and time again ever since they decided to put a pause on their relationship. She came to his house one night, shaking, telling him that she needs to feel something, anything, other than confusion and betrayal. 

And every single time his mind screams at him to turn her down, even at the price of hurting her feelings. Yet his body… His body has a life of its own, it awakens when he sees the smooth skin of her breasts, the way her entire body is covered in goosebumps just by the lightest of his touches. 

They are both slaves to the way they make each other feel, slaves of their own bodies, slaves to any semblance of touch. And even though he knows he should quit, he knows every time he sleeps with her he just pushes them further apart from each other, he can’t stop. He just takes whatever it is she is willing to offer. 

“Andy” He whispers her name softly, a prayer on his lips, as she drops her coat to the floor. He places his hand on her cheek, stroking her skin softly. “Please, talk to me.” Robert begs. 

She just looks away, trying to avoid making eye contact, a part of her knowing how well he learnt to read her by now. “I just need to feel something, please.” She is the one to beg now. 

He comes undone by nothing by her voice. 

She is standing in front of him, in his house, and she wants him. 

They just stare into each other's eyes for a whole minute, debating wordlessly who will succumb to their needs first. 

Robert is the one to take the first step, to close the distance between them and press his lips on hers lightly. He closes his eyes, and for a fraction of a moment he can imagine nothing has changed. He can imagine that this is their first kiss of the morning, or their last kiss before going to sleep. A kiss shared between a man and a woman who love each other enough to fall into a rhythm of a joint life together. 

She is the one to deepen their kiss, who slides her tongue across his lower lip, then bites it down lightly. Their kiss is changing, and he can no longer pretend it is a domestic kiss, one they used to share in the middle of the day. For him this heated kiss is still a kiss of love, and he doesn’t think that will ever change, that he can love her any less. Because he knows that beneath every wall she has built around herself lately, a part of his Andy still lies. 

Right now, for her the kiss is one of pure lust, meant to lead them further. 

She breaks the kiss slowly, and bites her lower lip. He can see a thought running through her head, and for a second the walls she has built around herself are lowered just slightly. He can read shame and embarrassment on her face, feelings she barely let out even before her world was shaken from its core. 

“What is it?” He asks, and there is a little surge of hope in him that today might be the day when she is finally going to let him in. 

She bites her lower lip again, hard, and she doesn’t look him in the eye when she finally speaks out her idea. “There is something that I want us to do.” 

Robert gives her a confused look, waiting for her to continue, his hopes that today will be the day she finally opens herself up to him fully, blown in the wind. She reaches down for her coat that was left on the floor and grabs two things out of its pockets. Andy stands with her back to him, her left leg thumping on the floor. 

“I just want you to know this. You never have to hide your desires and wants from me.” Robert coaxes. She turns around slowly, and hands him two pieces of fabric. His best guess is that one of those are meant to tie hands together, and the other is to cover eyes. 

“Say it.” He demands. By this point, he knows that he will cave in, he will grant her everything she wishes, but he is not going to make it easier on her in the process. 

“I want you to blindfold me and tie my hands together. I want to feel pleasure, and pain.” 

Robert furrows his brow when he hears that. She never asked for pain before, just the pleasure. 

“I have caused you enough pain for a lifetime.” He says. “There is nothing that I want more in this life than to cause you pleasure. I just don’t think I have it in me to harm you in the process.” 

Andy steps closer to him, until he can feel her breathing against his ear. “Please.” She is not the type to beg, and yet she still does just that, and he can’t understand why. He swears to himself that he will not hurt her, even if it means she won’t be coming back to him. 

He nods at her, and she takes his hand in hers and leads the way. She doesn’t make their way to the bedroom, but instead she stops when she reaches the door of the room he uses as his office.

“Here?” He asks, raising a brow at her. 

This room.

When they just got married, and were still wrapped in a bubble of happiness and comfort, he dared to imagine this room as a nursery, visioned holding Andy’s pregnant belly, debating whether they should color the room pink or blue.   
Another dream that was cut short by the turn her life has taken.

“Take off your clothes.” He orders. She pulls her shirt over her head, kicks off the shoes and her pants. She walks back until the back of her legs hits his desk . She releases the air in her lungs with a big huff, and then unclasp her bra, and lets it fall on the floor. 

“Leave the underwear on.” Robert says. His eyes travel down her body slowly, taking in every inch of the exposed skin he can get a glimpse of. No matter how many times he will have the chance to see her in her nakedness and glory, it will never be enough. It will always feel as if it is the first and last time, and he has to devour her before it will be too late, even when he knows she will come back. 

Even when she was still his Andy. 

He warps the blindfold around her head tightly, and her world becomes nothing but darkness. 

She can feel his hands traveling her skin, and everywhere he touches a trail of goosebumps raises. His fingers trail the outline of her clavicle, the outer part of her breasts, the curve of her waist. He pulls the black lace underwear she is wearing down her thighs , in a pace that can only be described as excruciatingly slow.

“Robert.” She breathes out his name. The fact that she can’t see him, has no clue about his intentions, makes her blood rush, makes the air feel heavy around her and makes her wet where she needs his attention. 

“The waiting is part of the pain, and the pleasure, isn’t it?” He asks as she steps out of her underwear, and she nods eagerly, biting down hard on her lower lip. She can feel him tying the band around her wrists, tightly enough to limit her motion, but not tight enough to be uncomfortable or to leave any mark. “Turn around.” He orders.

She does as he bids, and she can feel his body pressed hard against her naked back side. She can feel fabric against her exposed skin, implying that he still has his clothes on. She can also feel him hard against her rare, implying that he is affected by their activity just as much as she is. 

He inhales her in, Andy can hear the sound of his breaths just against her ear, and this is not the feeling she has asked for when she stepped into his house. He loves her, she knows that much, but if she lets herself feel the love he has for her deeply, she might fall apart. 

She needs to come, and then she needs to go. 

His lips are on her shoulder now ,kissing, biting, as she slips two fingers inside her. She sighs in delight, a sound that turns into a soft moan as he moves faster. They have been down that road many times before, and by now he knows her. He knows what she likes, he knows what turns her on. He knows every angle and every sensitive spot and every different way she reacts in return to every move his body makes. 

And he is easy. She doesn’t have to ask or explain or pretend. He takes care of her needs and her wants. He makes her feel safe. 

He loves her. 

“Don’t come yet.” He says.

“Is this an order, Chief Sullivan?” She teases. The fact that she is still able to form words surprises her, considering the fact that his fingers still move skillfully inside her, forming a tight knot inside her belly. 

“I want to be inside of you when you do.”

“You realize I can do both, right?” Andy questions. 

What the hell are they still doing talking? 

Her mind is clouded, and she can feel the orgasm slowly building inside of her. It won’t take long before she will finally have the release she desires. 

She is so close, and then he disconnects and steps away from her. 

“What the hell are you doing?” She tries to yell, but her voice is raspy and her breathing elaborated, which results in a needy whisper. She holds onto his desk, her fingernails digging into the surface, leaving marks. 

She can hear him taking his clothes off, unzipping his pants, and then his strides as he closes the distance between them again. For a long moment the only noise in the room is the elaborated breaths of the two of them, struggling to keep breathing normally as the air is so filled with sexual tension. 

He is pressed against her lower back, his fingers running up and down her waistline. “I will never, in a million years, knowingly do something that will cause you pain.” He murmurs. 

Andy nods, and she can’t say that she is surprised, a part of her already knowing that. 

And maybe this is the reason she came to seek release from his body. Because she knows that he will never hurt on her purpose. Because she trusts him he won’t. “I will take just the pleasure, then.” She requests, her words barely audible. 

He slides into her, slowly, inch by inch. When he is completely buried inside her, his fingers slide back down, and it takes no time for him to find that bundle of nerves between her legs. Then he pulls all the way out, and she is left feeling hollow and confused. 

Andy is about to voice her protests out loud, but then he slams into her hard, all the way in, and she whimpers as he does. 

“Did I hurt you?” He asks, and if her mind wasn’t as vague she might have found it cute that he is still concerned about her, even as he is as worked up as she is. 

“No, just give me a moment.” She asks. 

“Take all the time you need. Tell me when you are ready. You know I can stay buried inside of you forever.” She can almost hear the half grin probably creeping up his face, as he says the words that can’t be described as anything but a huge cliche, so much so that they appear in every erotic novel out there in the market. She also knows he lies, knows he wants to come almost as badly as she does. 

“Go.” She gives him the green light after she had a moment to adjust. She knows his body so well by now, the feeling of him inside her familiar, but something about tonight is different. Maybe it is the fact that all she can see is darkness, but as he moves inside her, with her, increasing the pace, it feels like he fills her deeper somehow. 

As if sex can patch the hollow void that was ripped open inside of her. 

She holds tightly to his desk, her knuckles turning white, her hips bruising as they rub against the desk over and over again. 

She comes with his name on her lips, and it doesn’t take long for him to follow her. 

Andy lets her head roll back, rest against his shoulder and just let her body and soul savor the moment. The sweet feeling of every muscle in her body aching and the rush of hormones coursing through her vines. 

They used to lie in the afterglow together, smile at each other, kiss each other lazily before they had to land back to reality once again. It used to be one of her favorite moments, almost as good as the sex itself. 

Lying in the arms of a man and letting yourself be loved by him completely. How simple. How naive of her, to truly believe those moments were hers to keep forever. 

“I need a shower.” She states as he pulls away from her, after they both had a moment to calm their racing pulses down. 

“It is still your house, Andy. You can go take a shower if you want to. You don’t have to ask.” Robert unties her eye cover, then moves on to her hands, bringing up each of her wrists to his mouth and kisses them softly. 

She gives him a weak smile, the best one she can master, and whispers. “It has never been my home, Robert.” She picks the items of clothing she discarded earlier on her way to the bathroom. She steps into the shower and turns the water on, letting the sensation of the warm drops envelop her and wash away the sweat. 

She can hear him stepping in and closing the glass door behind them. “I don’t think I have it in me to go again.” She confesses. She can barely stand up right, her legs feel like Jello and she feels like I might collapse every moment. 

“I wasn’t coming in for more sex, Andy. I just thought we could shower together, to save some water.” 

He reaches his hand and grabs his body wash, lathering it up between his fingers. He rubs the familiar scented foam all over her neck and shoulder blades, rubbing every area of her body as his fingers work skillfully to get her clean in complete silence. 

“Do you want to tell me why you asked for pain?” He frowns. “Andy, did somebody hurt you? Do you feel like you need to get punished for something that you did?” He inquires as she towels herself dry. 

“Forget about it.” She shrugs. She picks up the clothes she was wearing earlier and starts to pull them on quickly, as if she couldn’t get out of there fast enough. “I don’t know why I have asked for it.” She dismisses. 

He follows her down, and as she is about to open the front door he presses it shut with his hand. “Andy, why won’t you talk to me?” 

She turns around to face him, and places a soft hand on his stubble. “Because of the way you look at me now. Your eyes are filled with so much love. And one day, I hope I can return it. One day, I hope we can go back to the way things used to be. Simple and uncomplicated. But I know you won’t be waiting with your arms wide open and with that love in your eyes if I will show you the new darkness in me.” 

“I can handle it. Anything, everything. I promise.” He grasps at the last straw, trying to get her to talk to him. 

Andy doesn’t answer, but settles on a soft peck on his cheek. “Thank you. For the orgasm, and for everything else.” 

She gives him that weak smile again, and disappears into the darkened night. 

She is gone. His Andy. 

He leaves the door half open, leans against the door frame and watches the darkness of the night being brightened by the moon and the stars. 

He can’t help but wonder about the color of the darkness inside the woman he loves. Maybe he can lower the moon and the stars for her and make the darkness inside of her a little bit brighter, too.


	3. The Start of Something New

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!   
> I got things fixed for you!   
> WARNING AGAIN: this is M rated and contains adult content, even more so than the darkness one. Read at you own risk.   
> You will get what episode this specific fic takes place in in no time  
> Hope you enjoy and leave me your thoughts!

“What do you want?” Sullivan asks, and when he gives her that look, she understands. 

They want the exact same thing. 

They want each other. 

If someone would have told her she would feel this way toward her captain when he just arrived at the station, Andy would have laughed, probably dismissing the notion by calling said person absolutely crazy. But time has passed, and a friendship grew where once nothing but hatred could be found.

And after two near death experiences, she can’t help but think how easy it will be if she just let herself fall in love with him. 

Or maybe she already did. 

She reaches her hands out, grabs his face and kisses him as if her life depends on it. He isn’t surprised, isn’t taken aback even for a moment, like he read her mind and knew exactly what she was about to do. 

As if he knew she can’t keep that fire they both feel when they are around each other under control for much longer. 

Andy’s eyes are closed as she lets herself enjoy the kiss fully, and she can feel him wrap one long arm around her shoulders. She hums her approval as he slides his tongue into her mouth, deepening the kiss. 

Then she disconnects herself from Robert, trying to breath in as much air as possible. 

Andy Herrera is not the woman to play around, and if she wants something, anything at all, she is more than willing to be bold and ask for it. She is not the kind to sit around and wait to see if a man fulfills her desires, but for some reason, with him, saying the words is harder than usual. “You know, we are standing in the middle of the barn, and I would really hate for anyone from B shift to see us making out like a couple of horny teenagers.” She gives him the best smile she can master, eager to hear his response. 

And then his lips meet hers again. This kiss is hungrier, a kiss they both know will lead to something more. They make their way blindly in the direction of the Captain’s office, so wrapped up in each other they barely arrive at their destination. 

He pushes her in, and she stumbles on top of him, until he has her pinned against one of the walls. They both burst into a fit of laughter, and it might be the danger, the feeling that someone can walk in and catch them literally with their pants down at any given moment, which sends a shiver of excitement and anticipation down her spine, and only then she understands just how much she wants him. 

This man is going to be the end of her. 

They resume kissing in no time, and suddenly his hands are everywhere. On her hips, on her butt, undoing her belt with one swift move, and she can’t help but sigh softly when his lips find her neck. They never stop moving, making their way towards the little bunk, as she lifts his shirt up, and with a little bit of help from Robert it is gone, leaving him naked from the waist up. 

She can’t help but give his abdomen a once over, admiring every muscle, every piece of exposed skin. He looks like some kind of a statue, a drawing, a supermodel. 

His hand holds on to her neck, not harshly enough to suffocate her, but with enough force to convey his message, loud and clear. 

He wants to have control. 

Too bad he will have to fight her to gain it. 

She pushes him away, shoves him onto the bed then climbs on top of him, until each of her knees resets on either sides of his hips and her intentions could not be any clearer. She is used to having dominance in the bedroom, too. 

She shifts her hips forwards once, her lips fluttering over his. She can feel him hard under her body already. 

So she has the exact same effect on him as he has on her. 

“Hang on, I am locking the door.” Andy whispers, as she makes her way to the front of his office. She takes a deep breath, licks her lips and closes the door, turning the key to keep unwelcome intruders away. 

She makes her way back as quickly as possible, her skin already tingling to regain the lost contact. “Everything OK?” She asks when she sees him sitting up, and worry starts to rise in her chest. 

Maybe she misread the situation completely. Maybe he doesn’t want her as anything more than a friend.

“Andy I…” He starts, and his breathing is rapid and shallow, his chest rising and falling quickly. Something must have happened. “I don’t have any condoms around here.” He confesses, looking anywhere but her eyes. 

The tight knot that formed in her belly releases, and its place takes that very same warm feeling that spread down just a moment ago. She really thought for a moment that he is going to tell her to go, that he is going to regret their kiss and tell her that it was nothing but a mistake. She makes her way towards him slowly, untying her hair as she does and lets him fall around her shoulders. 

She re-positions herself on top of him, places her knees on either side of his body, so the seam of her pants will be exactly on his. She places her hands on top of the bed, leaving him with no other choice other than to lean back. “Robert Sullivan” she whispers his name as she moves her hips forward again, and she can see by the way his eyes suddenly darken the effect her movement and her words has on his body. “What gave you the idea that I am going to sleep with you?”

Andy’s lips move downwards into a fake pout, as she is slowly grinding on top of him. It is not enough to elevate the ache between her thighs, not by a long shot, but she isn’t worried. If she gets to have her way with him, she will walk out of his office more than satisfied. 

“I don’t know what gave it away, maybe it was the fact that you are currently moving on top of me?” He breaths out, and she can see her movement works him up quickly. If she is not careful, he might fall over the edge too soon, and what fun will that be? 

Andy nods her head from side to side slowly, stops moving all together, her body still pressed against his where she is already wet, yet still fully clothed. “I only meant to get you hot and bothered and then walk away on you.” She lies. 

“Well, in that case… Andy, I think it’s best if you go. So you know, I will take things into my own hands.” He gives her a defying look, and a grin so hot she is sure could melt an iceberg. “But for some reason, I think you want this just as much as I do.” 

“If you had asked me, I would have told you that I am on the pill.” 

He tries to sit up, but Andy pushes him back into the mattress, making him painfully aware who has the control over the situation. “So you are saying that we can just go ahead without a condom?” Robert's face lights up like a Christmas tree by the idea of not having to use one. 

Men. 

To be frank, Andy is not the biggest fan of them either. They surely take the fun out of things, they make things feel less natural than skin to skin contact, and a part of her is oh so tempted to tell him that she trusts him, and to ditch the rubber all together. After all, she knows him. He isn’t some handsome stranger she picked up in a filthy bar, and the chances he has something that she doesn’t want to catch are almost zero. But she made herself a promise years back, and she is not going to break that promise now, even if using a condom does harm the pleasure a bit.

“Don’t get your hopes up.” Andy brings him back to planet earth, and by the look of disappointment on his face, she can tell the landing back into reality was harsh. “I have some in my locker, give me a second and I will go grab them.”

“You have condoms in the station?” Robert looks surprised. “And did you ever get to use your secret stash of contraceptives before?”

Andy rolls her eyes and jumps off of the bed, straightening herself just in case she runs into someone from B shift on her way to the locker room. “So this is what you want to hear right now? Stories about the other man I have slept with around the station?”

“No, you are right.” He nods his head, trying to erase the image of this beautiful woman on top of some other man. 

Andy makes her way to the door as she orders “You can take your pants off. This looks… Painful.” She bites her lower lip. “But keep your boxers on. I will get them off for you.” She opens the door of the bunk, and just before she closes it behind her she adds. “And don’t you dare touching yourself while I am gone.” And with that, she disappears. 

Andy can’t help but giggle on her way to retrieve what they need, the whole dominant facade wearing off of her. She rushes to her locker, makes a complete mess of her belonging until she finds what she needs in the far back corner. She made it a habit to bury this particular object far from anyone’s reach, just in case Vic or Maya decided they needed body wash or anything else from her locker. 

She goes through the little stock she keeps for a rainy day, tossing the ones that have expired back into her locker. She can handle those later. She picks several simple ones in different sizes, shoves them deep into her pocket and makes her way back to his office, thanking her lucky stars she hasn’t encountered any other firefighter in her way. She is embarrassed to admit that the small collection she keeps inside the station does consist of the kind that have taste to them, and the kind that glow in the dark, but she didn’t think this will be at great use for this first time kind of encounter. 

She makes sure to lock the door in advance this time, and takes a deep breath to calm her loose nerves. It has been a while since she had sex with a new partner, and for some reason that keeps her on edge, keeps her tense and a bit worried. 

She digs into her pocket and retrieves the small packages, holding them up as she re-enters the bunk. He is sitting at the edge of the bed, waiting for her wearing nothing but his boxers, exactly as she has asked him to be. “Good.” She calls, and her tongue slips out of her mouth to wet her lips again involuntarily. “I didn’t know which size to bring, so I just picked one of every size that I had and I think we will be able to find one that works.” 

“Toss me the largest one you have.” Robert requires, and Andy can’t help but raise a brow in his direction. 

“Well, hello there mister self confidence.” She greets him suggestively, and he just smiles her direction as she throws the small package for him to catch, a grin which means “you will see”. 

She climbs on top of him again, trying to pick up where she left off, but he maneuvers her body so she ends up being the one facing the ceiling. “My turn.” He whispers into her ear, and then bites her earlobe lightly. “For some reason…” He stops, and places his lips on her neck, in kisses that soon turn into bites. “I am here wearing nothing but my underwear, and you are still fully clothed. I think we should remedy this.”

Andy nods. She will relinquish the control for now, let him feel like he got the upper hand in their little foreplay, even if she will take the reins back into her hands sooner rather than later. But thanks to her little detour, she is not as aroused as she was before, and Robert can take care of that for her. 

He picks up the hems of her shirt, and pulls at her arm a little to help her seat up right, just enough so he can get the shirt off of her. He unbuttons her pants and tugs them down in one swift movement, and before long she is down to her underwear as well. 

Robert breath in sharply when he sees her, finally not so many layers of fabric separating between their bodies. He reaches a finger and starts making patterns in the inner side of her thigh, sliding upwards slowly to where she needs him. 

“If I had known I am going to get naked today, I may have gone with something a little bit more sexy than this.” 

“Let me guess, you also have sexy lingerie in your locker.” He determines rather than asks. 

Andy nods, can’t really speak when his fingers trail the edges of her underwear, but as she thinks he is about to take the unnecessary piece of garment off, his hands move further up to her waist, and she huffs in dissatisfaction. She could have changed after she retrieved the condoms, but she didn’t want to keep herself, or him, waiting a moment more than what was absolutely necessary. 

“Next time, please let me know in advance when you are horny, so I can prepare accordingly.” 

“Next time?” He inquires, surprised. “So you want this to happen again?”

“Well, it all depends on your performance this time.” Andy chuckles.

“Mine? What about yours?” 

“Oh, I am always on the top of my game, Sullivan.” 

“We will see who will end up on top of who.” He comments, and catches her lips in his. 

If he actually believes he is going to be the one on top, he is in for a not so pleasant surprise, but Andy is getting ahead of herself.

He pushes her back until she lies on her back, resting some of his body weight on top of her. His lips trail down her jaw line, her neck, her collar bone, until he gets to the part where the fabric of her bra meets the curve of her breast. He licks the skin there, then breaths on it lightly. The cool sensation sends shivers down Andy’s body, making her moan softly. He does it again, His fingers lowering the straps of her bra down, asking her silently if she is ready to proceed. 

Andy nods her agreement, her eyes shut tightly, and if she wasn’t wet enough, the feeling of his fingers unclasping her bra and her breasts being free does the trick. 

When she can’t feel his mouth on her skin again, she opens her eyes, scared that she had done something to put him off, scared that now is the time he is going to say that this whole thing was just one giant mistake. 

She doesn’t expect what she sees in his eyes. 

The fire. 

The lust. 

The desire. 

“Seeing something you like?” She asks, and it turns out more needy and less sexy than she anticipated. 

“Um… Wow just… I think I might need a second.” Andy can’t help but smile at him victoriously. Robert Sullivan, her captain, the man who always has something to say, is left speechless at the sight of her naked body. 

His state of shock doesn’t last long, and his hands travel up her body, brush across her ribs before he pinches each of her niples lightly between his index finger and his thumb. The sensation sends a wave of pleasure down her spine, makes her toes curl and her back arch up from the mattress. 

“Sensitive.” He hums. “Note taken.” His mouth is on her skin again, starting his journey down from her clavicle this time. He kisses and bites each of her breasts slowly, taking his sweet, agonizing time, and she doesn’t know how on earth he has so much stamina, but she needs friction, she needs more, and she needs it now. 

His fooling around time is up, she is afraid. 

His mouth trails lower, down the valley between her breasts, her abdomen. He dips his tongue into her belly button, which tickles and makes her giggle a bit, before he comes to a stop right where she needs him. 

She takes deep breaths and gets herself ready to take matters back into her own hands. If she wants to regain control, she will have to do it quickly, and will have to keep him distracted long enough for her to climb on top. 

“Robert.” She breaths his name out as he takes off her underwear in an agonizingly slow pace, leaving her completely naked under his touch. She takes advantage of the moment he sighs, the moment his hands leave her body and he lifts his weight off of her again to catch a good glimpse of her nakedness. 

She slides under him, and before he has a moment to process what is happening she is on top again. 

She can’t wait much longer, she needs him and she needs him now, and by the look of things, his plan was to take his sweet time with her, a thing she is not sure her body can withstand at the moment. If he is as attracted to her as she is to him, then they will have all the time in the world to explore each other’s bodies. And if he just wishes this to be a one time thing, well, she is going to make it memorable.

Even if the thought of him wanting nothing more from her other than one time of complete ecstasy pains her for an unknown reason. 

“Playing dirty, I see.” He hisses through gritted teeth, but he doesn’t seem like he is about to protest, not when he finally has a good view of her naked body, stretching and revealing itself in front of his eyes. 

“Guilty as charged.” She shrugs, and lowers herself so she can kiss down his jaw line. “You know what I find really attractive in men?” Andy asks as her fingers find the hem of his boxers. When he nods his head to signal that no, he doesn’t have a clue what she is talking about, she continues. “V cuts. I just find them so… Arousing.” She pulls his boxers down too, and in a blink of an eye they are both naked as the day they are born. 

She pins his arms down into the mattress above his head, and whispers. “I am always on top, Sullivan, never forget it. And if you are thinking about trying to flip us over again… Well, let’s just say you don’t want to know what will happen then.” It is an obvious threat, but she is done playing nice. 

She releases his arms long enough to allow him to place the condom, and then she lowers herself on top of him slowly. “Fuck.” She whimpers. He fills her in perfectly deep, enough for her to feel, to stretch her out in a way, but not enough to cause her any pain. His hands find a place on her lower back, helping her move on top of him, slowly and leisurely at first, but soon enough they pick up the pace. 

He brings one hand to her front, his thumb finds her bundle of nerves, and with every thrust her hips make she can feel herself getting closer.

They are nothing but the sound of moans and heavy breathing, the sight of them moving together, in perfect unison, the smell of sex and sweat in the air, the taste of each other’s skin still on their lips, the feeling of flesh moving against flesh. 

She comes with a cry of his name, a sensation of acute pleasure washing over her body, making her dizzy, and he follows her almost immediately. 

She is still on top of him as they try to catch their breaths, and suddenly she is painfully aware of the way every muscle in her body is sore from this new way of workout they found. She is panting, and it seems like there is not enough oxygen in the air to fill her lungs.

“Are you alright?” He asks as she finally moves off of him, giving him a moment to get himself together as well. 

“Yeah, I just… Wow.” She uses the same choice of words as he did before. “You weren’t kidding.” 

“Told you so.” He gives her a self satisfied grin. Andy tries to push herself out of the bed, but he is holding on to her tightly. “Where do you think you are going?” 

“The shower.” She answers, but when she tries to release herself from his grip it seems like he is only holding on to her tighter. Not tight enough for him to hurt her or leave any red marks, but strongly enough for her to understand.

He wants her to stay. 

She has never really been the type to be fully immersed in the afterglow, but she slides next to him on the small bed, and lets herself enjoy lying in his embrace. His fingers draw patterns on her lower back, his lips kissing the crown of her head, and when she lifts her gaze up, he catches her lips in his, in a kiss that is sweet and tender, full of romance and low fire. 

“So what is this?” She asks, and something inside of her tenses, terrified to hear his answer. “Are we going to be friends with benefits from now on?” 

Robert nods his head and breaths her in before he whispers. “I don’t know about you, but I would really like to see where this could go. Us. Together.” 

Andy nods her head slightly in agreement, her eyelids suddenly feeling heavy, as if in the afterglow, her whole body suddenly realizes how tired she actually is. She hasn’t gotten much sleep in the last few days. “I would like that very much.”

“So I guess this is the start of something new.” Robert finalizes. “Go to sleep, Andy. I got you. I will wake you up soon so you can have your shower.” 

She is not exactly sure why or how, can’t explain it, but at that moment, lying as he holds on to her, she feels safe, safer than she has felt in a very long time. 

So she lets herself drift off to a blissful sleep in between his arms, and her last thought before she is out is of that something new waiting for her in the horizon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We all know Andy Herrera is always prepared for every situation ;)  
> Hope you enjoyed!


	4. The Man She Loves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!   
> This one shot takes place after 3X09. In this one shot Rigo hasn't died, and Andy and Sullivan have a chance to talk about what happened in the store.   
> This has the same M rating as my last one shot did. I know that not everyone enjoy smut, and I will try to give you some more fanfics that doesn't have smut it them. I also feel a need to apologize for my smut. I am kind of still experimenting with it so it might not be that great.   
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy it and leave me your thoughts!

That feeling fades away. 

The high. The excitement. The rush. 

That feeling that you are at the top of the world, stronger than God almighty and his plans. That feeling that you survived to see another day. That the angel of death won’t come knocking on your door. Not today, anyway. 

And in its wake, there is something deep and hollow that takes over Robert Sullivan’s body. 

They have been in one more near death situation, the third in number. She has been in another near death experience. 

And he can’t stand the thought of it. Because the universe needs her. Her father needs her, each and every one of her teammates needs her. If she is gone, they won’t make it through. They won’t be able to pick up the pieces, to be the family that they are right now. Not without her. 

If he won’t be here, he is in doubt anyone will even miss him. Well, other than her, maybe, but she will get through it, with the help of her family and her friends and time. 

He can’t let her risk her life again. 

He can feel her hovering behind him, fresh out of the shower. He is leaning against the counter in the kitchen, his fingers gripping the cool surface so hard they lose sensation. He can feel her placing one hand on his shoulder, rubbing it up and down in soft motions. 

Over the last couple of weeks, ever since she came to his doorstep and asked him to kiss her, to make her feel again, she spends her nights more often than not at his place. And after that call they had today, he didn’t even have to ask her where she planned to head after that shift was finally over. 

He knew they needed each other’s company. Everything between them was so raw and open and still soaked with their confessions of love and fear, that he knew she wouldn’t be spending her time anywhere else but in between his arms.

So she met him by the entrance to his house, the both of them still too cautious to make the commute together. She went straight to the shower as he let her in, and while she was scrubbing away the smell of sweat and near death, he had quite a long time in his hands to sink into his own thoughts. 

He can tell that she is wearing one of his crew T-shirts, even when she has many of her own. It used to drive him crazy, yet he can’t help but notice how cute she looks in his big piece of clothing, which reaches just the middle of her thighs. 

That woman, that woman he loves so much that it physically hurts sometimes, is going to be the death of him, probably in more ways than one. 

“I ordered some Italian food from the place you like.” Robert states as he turns to face her. 

And then he can see it in her eyes. That feeling that you get only when you face death, and come out on the other side as a winner. She is still there, her whole body flooded with adrenaline. “So… What do you think that in the meantime, as we wait for our food…” She doesn’t continue her sentence, but rather, shoves him into the counter. She tags his shirt out of his pants and opens the buttons slowly, one by one. 

Robert sighs as he feels her fingers working their magic on top of his body. He can try all he wants, but her presence, her touch, has a physical effect on him, one that he finds oh so hard to resist. “Andy, we should use this time to talk.” He sighs. “And I can’t talk while you are trying to undress me.” 

Andy lifts her face up at him, and as she understands that he is not trying to play a game that will lead to him taking control once they make it to the bedroom, she takes a step back, leaving his shirt half open. 

“We need to talk about today.” 

“What about it?” Andy asks, not really understanding where this conversation is headed. If it is up to her, they should celebrate their success, in a kind of way that requires very few words, or none at all. 

“I asked you to leave with Gibson. No, I ordered you to leave with Gibson, and yet you chose to stay, putting your life at an unnecessary risk.” 

“Well, I am sorry I didn’t follow your orders, Chief Sullivan.” Andy raises her hands in the air theatricality, and the tone of her voice rises as well. “I was too concerned about having your back.” 

“I could have done it without you.” 

“Yeah? You could have done it without the whole ‘the woman that I love’ facade?” She asks, and her words hurt him, like an arrow shot deep into his heart and found its target, mark on. 

“I wasn’t pretending.” He tries to convince her. “I meant every word I said, and I have so many more words to say to you, but you have to live another day to hear me say them.” 

“But we made it out alive!” She calls, not really understanding why they are even arguing. Wasn’t it the whole purpose? For them, and for that man who held the grenade in his hand, to live past that death trap? 

“Yes, by the skin of our teeth! And I can’t, I can’t let you put yourself in such a risk again.” 

“I am a firefighter, god dammit! This is the hazard of the profession! I am perfectly able to manage the risks on my own! I am not some delicate porcelain doll you or my father has to guard!” She yells now.

“I can’t put you in danger, Andy.” 

“Well, too bad I am not asking you for permission before I ran into a raging fire, head on.” 

“Having you around today… It made everything so much harder. Every moment I was in that store the only thought I had was about you and your safety and about how I can’t leave this world knowing you left it, too.” Robert shakes his head from side to side, pacing around Andy, walking between the kitchen and the living room.

“Well, isn’t that what brought the desired outcome?” She asks. 

Are they really fighting right now? 

“Andy, today may have turned out in our favor, but tomorrow might not be as kind. And in order for me to keep living, to keep breathing, I need to know you are not putting yourself in unnecessary risks just to play the role of the hero.” 

Andy takes a deep breath, trying to calm the fire that is starting to rage inside her guts. “Why are you saying those things right now?” She lowers her voice as she asks, trying to prevent the situation from escalating into a point from which neither of them will be able to return. 

“Because I won’t be able to live without you, Andy!” He yells. “I won’t be able to live without you, and I most certainly won’t be able to live with the knowledge that I could have saved you, but didn’t.” 

“And you think I could live without you? Do you think it didn’t kill me, seeing you there, holding live ammunition in your hand?” 

“Yes, I do think that you will be able to live without me!” He screams. “Because you have your father and your friends, and they will raise you back on your feet again if something ever happens to me. I don’t have anyone, anything, but you, Andy! And I love you, I love you so much it hurts, I love you so much I would give my own life to save yours. And the last time I loved a woman that much, I found her lying in the middle of the road, and there was nothing, nothing I could do to bring her back to life. I can’t lose another woman that I love!”

“You won’t lose me, I promise.” Andy tries to get close to him, tries to reach out a hand and brush a thumb softly on his stubble, but he backs away, leaving her touching nothing but thin air. 

“How do you know it? Do you have some communication line straight to God that I don’t know about?” 

Andy snorts and rolls her eyes, which only makes Robert heat up quicker. 

“Well if you won’t accept it from me, you might as well have to obey it coming from your Battalion Chief. And if you dare not do as I say again Andy, I don’t care what we have between us…” 

“Then what?” She looks up at him, deep into his eyes, defying him to continue his threat, but he never does.

Andy disappears into the bathroom where she left the jeans and the sweater she wore when she left the station earlier. She doesn't have many of her personal belongings in Robert’s house, doesn’t have anything more than what she finds absolutely necessary when one spends a night at a man’s place. She wants to run, but she doesn’t have any clothes fitting for a work out where he lives. 

“Where are you going?” He asks as she storms in the direction of the door. 

She grabs her purse and her car keys, and mutters “Everywhere, anywhere, nowhere. I just don’t want to be here when either of us will say something that we will regret.” 

She swings the front door open, lets the chill and crisp evening air fill her lungs, when she hears him beg. “Please, take these. Please come back, Andy. Go, but come spend the night with me instead of Jack’s apartment.” 

His hand reaches out to her, and she catches the little silver key he hands her out, before she disappears behind the closed door. 

Robert stands and watches the door, waiting for his love to return to him. 

His heart leaps in his chest when he hears the doorbell ringing, only to see it is their food delivery that has arrived, and that surge of hope and happiness is replaced by heartbreak and disappointment once again. 

He keeps watching the door, waiting for her return, much longer after that, his food gone cold, and his appetite non existing. 

And as he waits and waits for her to come back to him, a new fear comes creeping in, pushing every other fear he had to the corners of his mind. His biggest fear is that his fears and his cowardness have ruined beyond repair his second chance at love, the best thing he has in this life. 

***************

Andy wants to scream. 

She sits in her parked car outside of his house, as the painful fact becomes clear to her. The only person who she wants to be comforted by right now, is the same person who hurt her so much in the first place. 

Other than him, she doesn’t really have anywhere to go. The apartment she shares with Jack feels cold and distant, and she never really thought of it as her home. Ryan is gone, buried six feet under. She keeps her father in the dark about her relationship, for now, knowing he won’t be happy to find out she is knocking hips with her superior. Her teammates are oblivious to what she is going through, and they have to stay that way, if the both of them want to keep their job and their titles. 

Although Andy is not even sure there is a relationship for her to keep guarded anymore. 

The thought that crosses her mind is unavoidable, and yet it pains her like a knife straight to the gut. She has never felt like that for a man before, and the notion that it might all be gone due to a stupid idea he has in mind about how he should save her from everything, save her from herself, is unbearable. 

Maybe she should just get back in and try to fix whatever it is that seems to be faulty. But still, she has so much rage in her, she is afraid she is just going to escalate the situation further. 

There is only one place she can go, she understands, letting out a soft sigh as she does. There is only one person who might understand. It is a long shot, but that is all she has. 

Andy turns on the engine and makes the short commute. She knows how to get there almost by heart. She used to live in that exact same apartment for a long while, after all. 

She parks the car when she gets there and climbs up the stairs. She is restless and on edge, and the elevator in this particular building crawls slowly between the floors more often than not. Before she knows it, she is standing in front of the door with the name ‘Bishop’ on it. 

Andy fidgets with the key Robert gave her not too long ago. Maya and her have been through a lot lately, and although they are starting to patch their friendship back together, although Maya finally came to realize that what she did was wrong, and she tried to fix that, she doesn’t know how comfortable she feels sharing all of her problems with her former best friend. 

But she has no one else who will understand, and Andy knows that Maya had her suspicions about her and Sullivan for quite some time now. Andy is sure that Maya won’t try to use that information against her. She won’t ask questions, won’t try to push her into saying more than she is willing to give. 

Well, the only details she will probably want will regard her sex life, and that is something that Andy will be able to handle. 

So she knocks softly on the door, and waits for an answer. 

“Hey.” Maya greets her. She is wearing a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants, obviously not expecting any company. 

“Is Carina here? Andy inquires, hesitantly. 

“No, she is in the hospital. She was supposed to come over, but she has a super nervous mother in delivery for hours now with no sign of progress, so Carina decided to spend the night in the on call room, just in case she is needed. Why, do you need something from Carina?” Maya’s eyes tear wide open as she whispers. “Are you pregnant?” 

Andy shakes her head vigorously, trying not to laugh at her friend’s comical reaction. “No, I am not pregnant. Nothing that I know of, anyway. I came to talk to you actually, but I didn’t want to interrupt you two.” 

“You are not interrupting, Andy.” Maya reassures her. “I told you, I am sorry I broke us, and I would really want things to go back to the way they used to be. Or at least try to get there, even if it means you would barge into my shower again, like you used to do.” Maya thinks about it, then adds “Please don’t burst in when Carina and I shower together, though.” 

“I have absolutely zero intention to do so, trust me.” Andy laughs, and Maya does the same quickly.

She feels better already, knowing that at least one meaningful relationship in her life is headed in the right direction. 

Maya opens the door wide, and lets Andy in. “I had nowhere else to go.” Andy admits. 

She sits on the couch in the living room, and Maya follows her quickly, resting a reassuring hand on her shoulder. Andy brushes her hair out between her fingers, looking for the right words to say. 

“It is about him, isn’t it?” Maya inquires. 

“How did you know that?” Andy replies with a question of her own. 

“Because, it is always either him, or your father. And if it was your father, you would have already started talking so fast I would have a hard time trying to keep up with what you are saying.” 

Andy is grateful that her friend doesn’t bring up his name. As if by keeping him nameless, they could have been talking about any man, a random stranger, and not about a forbidden relationship she has with the boss of the both of them. 

“I just…” Andy tries to find the right words. “Everything was great, too great, until today. He just freaked out? I don’t even know what it was, like he was trying to pick a fight on purpose. Like things were too perfect for him, so he tried to break us apart to see if we will find our way back to each other. Everything was excellent, until it wasn’t anymore.” Andy sighs. 

“You know he just cares about you, right?”

“Are you taking his side now, Maya?” 

“I am not picking sides.” The blonde promises. “I just know that he had been through a lot. Maybe he is just scared because the thing between the two of you is suddenly real?” 

Andy doesn’t know how Maya understands her relationship as well as she does, considering the fact that she hasn’t shared any information with her yet. But after so many years of friendship, Andy guesses Maya can read her like an open book.

“I was just so furious when he said all those things, that I felt like I needed to escape or otherwise I would have exploded.”

“Look, I am no relationship expert, you know that much about me. 

“Oh, I do.” Andy nods. 

“But I think that if you really love him, if you really want to give the thing you have between the two of you a chance, you have to let him in, and let him in completely, instead of pushing him away. Go back to him once the anger settles down, and try to work things out. But don't wait too long. If you give things too much time to cool down, you might not have a chance to bring them back to the place they used to be.” Maya concludes. 

“Look at you. We haven’t been talking for a few months, and suddenly you became the master of sensible relationship advice?” Andy jokes. “Well, he did give me a key. I might use it later tonight.” 

“OK now that this is settled…” Maya trails off, and Andy knows what is coming before the other firefighter has a chance to complete her sentence. “How is the sex?” Maya wiggles her eyebrows suggestively. 

Andy laughs nervously, trying to come up with something that will satisfy her friend’s hunger for juicy gossip, but also won’t embarrass her to death. “It is good. Really, really, really good.” 

“Come on… This is all that you are going to give?” Maya begs. “Not that I am on a dry spell myself. Quite the contrary, actually, but still, I want to know!”

Andy debates what more she can disclose. The way the fight over control? The way he makes her wait, takes his slow time with her? The way she likes it rough sometimes? The way he makes her come again and again, makes her feel everything, makes her feel things she has never thought she could? 

Andy doesn’t blush often. There are not many things that mortify her, but yet her face gains a rosy tint when she pulls her fingers apart from each other to symbolize his length, and emphasizes “And he knows exactly what to do with it.” 

“I take it back, I take it back!” Maya yells, covering her eyes with her hand. “If you give me any more details, I won’t be able to look at him in the eye ever again.” 

Andy laughs, and suddenly she realizes that she doesn’t feel the anger and the hurt bubbling inside of her anymore. Still she requests “Can I just stay here a bit longer? Until I feel like I can handle something else without screaming?”

“Sure.” Maya agrees. “Just be aware that I might fall asleep on you. It has been a long day.”

Andy rests her head on Maya’s shoulder, and they just sit there, in the dimly lit living room. Andy can’t help but think that if she managed to get one broken relationship in her life somewhat mended, or at least in the right direction to get there, it might not be that difficult for her to do the same with the other. 

****************

Andy creeps back into his house. 

A part of her knew she would return, sooner rather than later. It has only been a couple of weeks, but still, she can’t imagine falling asleep without his body keeping the other side of the bed warm. Maybe it was part of the reason she didn’t make it to the apartment she shares with Jack. 

She uses the key he gave her to see herself in, and after she locks the door behind her for the night, she plays with the key-chain between her fingers, deliberating what she should do with it. Finally, she shoves it back to her purse, deciding to hold on to it, at least until Robert asks for it back. 

Andy has a feeling he never will. 

She makes her way past the living room, and as she is about to head upstairs she sees the takeaway boxes he ordered for dinner lying on the counter, probably cold and forgotten by now. She takes a peek at what’s inside, and sees her favorite pasta dish, alongside a few cannolis in a separate container, which were obviously meant to serve as dessert. Exactly what she likes. 

She is in awe at how well he knows her by now, only a few weeks into the relationship. He memorized her usual order perfectly, even got the onions out of the sauce, without her even having to ask. She smiles at herself, and her smile widens as she finally notices the words written on the outer side of the box, in his handwriting. 

‘Babe, just in case you decided to come back and you are still hungry.’ Andy reads. 

She is hungry, regretting she didn’t ask Maya if she had anything edible around the house, since Andy doesn’t live there for quite some time now. But she was so angry and frustrated when she knocked on Maya’s door, that she didn’t feel the hunger until now, until the other feelings subsided. 

But she has something far more important to do. She has to fix what is cracked, before it has a chance to be broken. So she shoves the food into the fridge, and makes her way up to the bedroom she has been sharing with him. 

The man she loves. 

She stands in front of the closed door for a while, gathering the courage to do what she knows is right. She has never been in a relationship like this. A relationship she is so desperate would work, one that she wants to give her entire self to, just not exactly sure how. 

She gets undressed while she is still outside, kicks off her shoes and pulls her sweater over her head. She unzips her jeans and tugs them off, until she is left standing in her underwear. There is a chill going through her body, even though the house is heated to a cozy temperature, just as she likes it to be. She is wearing a new set of sexy lingerie, in a dark blue that matches her complexion and hugs every curve of her body tightly, leaving very little room for imagination. She bought the matching set not too long ago, and she put the items on right after her shower, when she was still sure they were going to fool around before dinner. Little did she know that her plan to roll between the sheets with him would turn into their first fight. 

Andy reaches her arms behind her back and opens the clasp of her bra, letting it fall right at the top of the pile of clothing already discarded on the floor. If everything goes as planned, she will manage those come morning. 

She doesn’t know how to be vulnerable, how to let him in, and right now, her nakedness is the best form of vulnerability she can master. Maybe if he knows that he has her body, she will find a way to tell him that he has her heart, too. 

Knowing the two of them, their bodies speak louder than their words, more often than don’t. 

She is taking a chance, she knows that much. He invited her to come back, but he might have a change of heart, he might not want her there. Or he might not want to share his bed with her tonight, or he might not be in the right state of mind. 

But she needs to feel. She needs to feel him, all of him. She needs to feel the way his love for her radiates off of him when their bodies are connected anywhere, everywhere. And she might not know him as well as he knows her, but she has a feeling he is not going to turn her down. 

She has a feeling he has the same urge to feel her, just as much as she needs to feel him. 

So Andy takes the leap of faith, and opens the door to a crack. She slips past the door and closes it behind her with the softest of sounds, almost inaudible. 

The only proof she has of him acknowledging her presence back in the room is the way he inhales sharply when he hears her sneaking like a thief in the night. She finds him awake, as she expected him to be, the reading light on his side of the bed is on, and his brow is furrowed in concentration as he reads the mystery novel he has been invested in for the last couple of days. 

Maybe he can’t sleep without her body warming the other side of the bed, too. 

Andy tiptoes all the way to the bed, and crawls onto it until she sits on her knees by his side. She takes the book out of his hands and tosses it aside carelessly. 

“You are back.” He whispers. There are so many feelings crossing his face when he looks at her. Worry and care, sadness and yes, also love. She cannot trace, however, the same anger and fury she had seen before, so there is a little spark of hope inside her saying that her leap of faith was worth her while. 

“Yes, I am.” She affirms softly. They speak in hushed voices, as if they are in a room full of sleeping people neither of them dares to wake up. She wants to say something more. She wants to say that she will always come back for him. Yet the thing they have between them is new and fragile, so she isn’t sure how much this big declaration of love will fit right now.

And besides, she has always been one to prefer actions over words. 

Andy slips beneath the covers, and shifts her weight until she is almost on top of him. She places a soft kiss on his lips, a kiss barely there, only to see if he would cooperate with her, if he would like her to continue. 

Robert lifts himself up, answering the soft kiss with one of his own, a little deeper, a little more fierce. He whispers the words “So soft, so warm.” into her mouth, then keeps kissing her. It doesn’t take long before the kiss heats up completely, before it becomes full of tongue and biting each other’s lips. 

“We need to talk.” He breaths out when they both try to get some air.

“We do.” Andy nods. “But first…” She fills her lungs with oxygen before she lets those words slip. “We can do… Whatever it is that you desire. You have full control right now. Whatever you want, whatever makes you feel good.” 

Andy knows that a climax has a calming effect on the human body. She is scared that the both of them still hold onto some traces of resentment inside them, so her plan revolves around both of them getting their orgasms first, and then solving whatever it is that is wrong between them later, when they both lie in the relaxing pull of the afterglow. 

“Are you sure?” Robert asks, surprised by her will to relinquish dominance. If she is honest with herself, they have been doing this a lot ever since the day she came into the house and asked him to kiss her. She doesn’t know exactly why or how, but for some reason she keeps finding him between her legs in every chance they get.

Not that she complains, but one of the things that makes it thrilling, is the little chase they have after dominance. The both of them want to be in control, to be on top, to set the rules. And more often than not, Andy wins their little battle, speaking the last word. So she can understand when he gives her that lopsided look, she can realize why he finds it so strange she just gave up without a fight. 

“Why? Do you want me to change my mind?” 

“Oh no. I have waited long enough to have my way with you, Andy Herrera.” He shakes his head, and she lies down on the mattress, ready to succumb to whatever it is he has in mind. 

“Wait.” She begs as he hovers on top of her, placing a hand on his bare, well built chest. “I need you to promise me two things. First, we need to talk about what happened today, so don’t you dare fall asleep once you are done.” She smiles. It happened to him once. Back then, she was left frustrated and unsatisfied, left to take care of things with her own two hands. Yet now, it remains only as a way for her to taunt him just a little. He gives her a crooked smile, and she continues. “And second, until we talk, let’s keep the amount of words leaving our mouths to bare minimum.” 

Robert nods eagerly, afraid to break her orders. He pushes the covers away and drags her body down, until she lies at the edge of the bed, her legs dangling up in the air. It takes everything she has in her not to fight, not to try and gain control again when he climbs on top of her and places another soft kiss to her lips. 

Yet Andy knows. As much as she needs to feel, Robert needs to make sure she is really there, that she is back in his arms and that she is not going anywhere, not anymore. The only way he knows how to do so, is by kissing every inch of her exposed skin, without her struggling to touch him the same way. 

His mouth finds her jaw, kissing it lightly, grazing his teeth on it, and his hands pins her arms over her head, into the mattress. Maybe he isn’t so sure she will be able to control the urge to fight and take over, and to be frank, she doesn’t trust herself either. His kisses turn to sucks, his grazing turns into biting, and she whimpers as his teeth bite down on her earlobe just a little harder than she is used to. 

He makes his way down her body again, going down her neck. She wants to remind him to leave her mark- free, at least the parts of her body her uniform doesn't cover. But she was the one to set the rules, so she is the one who also has to follow them. She just hopes that he already knows that love marks is not something she wants her teammates to see come their next shift.

He disconnects his lips from her skin, and she takes a sharp breath in when she sees him looking at her breasts, his eyes dark with lust. Her nipples are hard under his gaze, and he lowers his head oh so slowly towards her, taking his sweet time, knowing she is already wet and aching for his attention between her legs. 

She is starting to regret this whole idea. 

He takes her right nipple between his teeth and sucks at it, hard, harder than he usually does, which seems to be a recurring motive tonight. She catches her lower lip in her upper teeth, trying to avoid letting out a stream of curses when he does it again, this time one of his hands lets go of her arm, and pinches hard on her other breast. 

The same hand makes its way down her body slowly, as he keeps his mouth on the same breast he has already given his attention to. She can feel his long fingers down her abdomen, dipping into her belly button, brushing against her navel. 

He doesn’t bother taking her underwear off, just slips a finger in, which earns him a loud and eager moan coming from Andy. 

“Wet.” He whispers into her skin. 

“No talking.” She reminds, panting for air. 

When his thumb brushes against her clit, and he bits down again on her nipple at the same time, she thrusts her hips up on a reflex, one almost primarily, muttering a “Fuck” as she does.

“I thought you said no talking.” She hears him using her own words against her, and if her eyes weren’t shut so tight, she bets she could have seen him smirking at her. 

And suddenly his mouth makes its way further down her body.

She knows he likes to take his time with her, explore every piece of skin, make her feel every exposed nerve ending. Yet sometimes, it feels like he enjoys torturing her with his light touches and friction almost enough to relieve the ache between her thighs, but not quite. Sometimes, much like right now, she just wants to rip those boxers off of him and sink down into his body, even though she knows she will eventually enjoy what he has in store for her. 

He gets down from the bed and into the floor, standing on his knees between her spread legs. 

The anticipation feels like a giant rock pressing down her belly. 

He is back to kissing her everywhere, starting his journey up from the inside part of her left knee. Every kiss, every lick, is a slow torment, and she is oh so tempted to take matters into her own hands. When she can feel his mouth getting close to where she needs him, she holds onto the bed sheet tightly, praying for some kind of release. 

But he has other plans for her. Of course he does. He just moves to her other leg, and trails the exact same path of kisses he did before. 

Sometimes she wonders how he doesn’t explode during the foreplay, when he takes his time like that, like he doesn’t have any care in the world. 

“Robert, please.” She huffs out, her voice raspy and breathy, her throat dry. 

“I thought we said no talking, Herrera.” He warns. 

Andy bites down on her tongue, deliberating if she should really say what is on his mind, but the words come out of her mouth whether she means it or not. “Please, Chief Sullivan.” 

“Herrera, I swear to god if you use that title ever again in the bedroom, I will never be able to get that picture of you, with your legs spread wide open, out of my head every time I will hear someone refer to me that way. And believe me, neither of us wants that to happen.” His voice is low, and it is a threat, or a promise, Andy can’t quite tell. He pulls the only piece of fabric left on her body in one quick move, and for a moment she thinks he is going to throw the foreplay out the window and just slam himself into her. 

Rough, hard, just as she likes it. Maybe she managed to press all the right buttons. 

But once again his actions remind her of his stamina, one that she obviously got none of. 

She thrusts her hips again when she feels his mouth exactly where she needs him, finding just the right spot to have pleasure starting to build in her stomach immediately. She takes her left nipple between her fingers, the one he didn’t dedicate as much attention to, pinching it, imagining her hand was his. It does the trick, getting her one step closer, and when he adds his fingers to the mix, moving inside her in a fast, almost rhythmic pace, it doesn’t take long for her to see stars behind her closed eyelid, for the orgasm to wash over her body as she screams out his name. 

Once Robert can hear Andy’s breathing evening out, prolonging her climax as much as he possibly can, he moves back into the bed next to her. There is something about her face that hits him in all the wrong places. She looks… Sad. 

“Babe, what's wrong? Did you not enjoy it?” Andy can see the concern on his face. 

“Relax, Robert.” She says, lying a soft hand on his face. “I don’t fake an orgasm for anyone, not even for you.” He gives her a lopsided smile. 

“Then what is it?” He asks. 

“It is just… I realize you told me today that I am the woman you love, and I didn’t have the chance to say it back, that’s all.” 

“Oh, so I made you come with my mouth and now you suddenly love me.” He laughs, and she hits him playfully on the arm. “Well, as much as I would like to keep talking about how much we love each other…” He trails off, looking down between the both of them. 

Andy lifts herself up and kisses him again, tasting herself on his lips. They kiss heatedly for a few moments, trying to bring themselves back to the point where they stopped. He pushes his boxers down his thighs, until they are both completely naked in the room lit only by the small bedside lamp left turned on and the moon filtering through the windows. 

He pushes himself into her slowly, inch by inch. He knows when to stop, to let her have a little time to adjust, and when he can continue, reading her wants and needs only by the little noises she makes every once in a while. 

They are like two bodies fading into one. 

He moves slowly first, pulling almost the way out, leaving only the tip inside, and then pushing in again. He does it a few times, until Andy hooks her ankles behind his lower back and whispers “Faster” 

He is happy to obey, and Andy can tell he is close, but he is trying to hold back for her chance to come again. She slips one of her hands between their connected bodies, finding her bundle of nerves and rubbing it quickly, while her other hand pinches one of her breasts. It takes her only a couple more of his quick thrusts to fall over the edge again, and he follows her quickly, as bliss rushes through them both. 

He pulls out of her quickly, and suddenly she misses the steady weight on top of her. There is a chill going through her body without him to keep her warm. 

Robert disappears into the bathroom, yet Andy can do nothing but lie there and enjoy the feeling. She lies on the bed, her limbs sprawled, her eyes shut closed tightly, and a content smile on her face, one she can’t seem to shake off. 

Even if they can’t piece together the thing between them that is broken, this was a hell of a way to end things on a high note. 

“Let’s talk.” He says as he comes back, a wet washcloth in his hand. It finds a way between her legs, as he starts to clean the mess he made. 

Andy can’t help but realize how intimate is the thing he does, almost as intimate as having sex is. He takes care of her, fully, and she is more than happy to allow him to do so. 

“I am a firefighter, Robert.” She tries to explain herself. “A firefighter is who I was since I was a seven years old running around with my father’s helmet on, and a firefighter is who I will always be. Running towards danger… That is practically my middle name.” Andy smiles. She can see him trying to speak, but she puts a finger on his lips, letting him know that she isn’t done talking yet. “But, I am also trying to understand you, a man who has lost a woman he loves in such a young age, even though I never will.” 

“So, how do you suggest we work this conflict out?” Robert asks. He tosses the dirty towel aside and crawls back into bed with her, wrapping his arms around her middle. 

She was right about one thing. Orgasms do have a calming effect on the human body. They don’t yell anymore, none of the anger they felt earlier still present. They are just two adults in love with each other to a painful level, trying to figure out how to make the pieces of the puzzle that form their relationship click in all the right places. 

“I think that we should just try to keep how we feel toward each other between these four walls, and try to keep things professional at work. So no more booty calls in your office in strange hours of the day.” She gives him a stern look, and she can read the disappointment in his face. “You will treat me like you would any other lieutenant, and so I know that if you make something a command, it has nothing to do with what you feel, and I will follow it. You will just have to trust me to keep coming out alive of those near death experiences, because they will keep coming our way.” 

“It is just hard for me not to worry about you.” Robert confesses, his finger drawing lines and patterns just beneath her collar bone. 

“Now, do you want to tell me anything else about your leg?” She asks, trying to keep the thing that has already been decided sealed and settled. 

“I re-injured it when we were on the wild fire in LA. The pain was… Is unbearable. That is the reason I asked you to leave that day in the captain’s bunk. That is the reason I had to take the battalion chief’s job, and I couldn’t risk it by having a relationship with you.” 

Andy tries to hide the pain in her face when he talks about the times he broke her heart, but she can’t fool him so easily. He places a hand on her face, caressing her cheek with his thumb slowly. “I have hurt you, and I have lied to you, and I was self medicating to help me manage the pain, until it spun completely out of control. I know I have a lot of work to do, but Dr. Shepherd has been helping me, and I am determined to never get back to that point again. I don’t want to hurt you again.” 

There is a silence after he speaks those words. Andy rolls to her other side, her face away from him, and Robert is quick to adjust to the new position, spooning her in his arms. 

He breaths her in as he asks. “Say it again.” 

“Say what?” Andy wonders, until she realizes. She takes a deep breath in before she whispers. “You are the man I love, Robert Sullivan.” 

She is not sure if he heard her though, because when she twists her head to see his reaction, he is already fast asleep.


	5. Always Remember Us This Way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!  
> This one shot takes place just before 3x12  
> Please let me know your thoughts, especially on the whole smut thing. Would you like more smut? Would you like me to write things that don't have smut in them?  
> I hope you enjoy!

"When you look at me  
And the whole world fades  
I'll always remember us this way"

-Always Remember Us This Way from "A Star Is Born" soundtrack

**************** 

He likes to take his time around her. Andy knows that much already.

In the first few times she shared his bed with him, when their clothes were stripped off and the rush and anticipation took their place on their skin, when his eyes wandered and his fingers caressed every curve and every bend of her body, she thought it was just the excitement of a new beginning. She believed that he was just trying to get to know her, the little things that make her arch her back into his touch, and the ones that make her sigh in pleasure.

Andy believed that once he got to know his way around her body, once they will become more familiar with each other's needs and wants, the way he moves around her will change. She thought that once he had seen it all, he wouldn't be as fascinated by the way she jumps slightly when he first touches her just in the right spot.

She couldn’t have been more wrong.

If anything, his complete awe of her just grew deeper as they kept coming back for more, never getting enough of each other. She feels like he sees her body as a road map, or a book, one he has to remember, memorize cover to cover.

Tonight though, tonight is different.

It is late, later than they usually stay awake in order to indulge in each other. They have already done it twice. Once when they just made it home. She had control over that one, and it was rough, dirty, messy, even. It was all bites and sucks and the noise of skin moving, grinding against skin. They didn’t even make it to the bedroom, just let all their inhibitions go and fucked each other senseless on the sofa.

When they finally made it to the bedroom, hours later, he was the one to have control, because they usually play a fair game.

They made love to each other.

She used to hate that expression, used to think it was a way of overly romanticizing a primary action that two human beings engaged in together since the dawn of days. A way to make an action that belongs solely to the body, one that comes from the soul.

Yet with him, she can’t deny it. She can’t deny the way her heart swells when he touches her, the way she can sense his love for her with every kiss he places softly on her skin, with every slightest move his hips make when they find the right rhythm.

And maybe they are making love to each other, because there is no other explanation to the way the afterglow is almost as pleasurable for her as an orgasm is. She has no other explanation for the way he cares about her satisfaction, for the way he controls his urges until he makes sure she is sated.

They have done it twice by now today, and it is late, and they are due to show up in the station early tomorrow morning, but for some reason, he is reluctant to leave her body. His hands are still everywhere, prolonging that satisfying feeling that has taken place inside of her after she calmed down from her high. She is lying half on top of him, her head resetting against his chest, her belly pressed tightly against his. He isn’t hard, so she knows he isn’t trying to lead them into another time when he moves inside her, yet still he can’t stop touching her. His fingers are twirling with the ends of her hair, his hands caressing her long spine, his lips kiss the top of her head.

“Robert.” She sighs his name when his hands reach her butt and goes lower, until he encourages her to spread her legs a bit with no words. “We really need to go to sleep. We have an early morning ahead of us tomorrow. Or it might already be today, I don’t know.”

His hands stop, not really touching her, just hover around low enough between her legs for her to feel it. “Are you tired?” He asks. She knows that if she tells him to stop he will do just as she bids, but a part of her can’t let go of the feeling of his body pressed against hers. As if she is holding on to a single, last breath before completely drowning. As if she will never get to sense that bliss again.

That notion is silly, now that they are married, and maybe she is afraid that the honeymoon period will end soon. Terrified of their first fight that hasn’t come yet, anxious about the idea of a day when the fire between them will die down, even though she can’t fathom a day like that ever arriving, if the way her body aches to be around him when they merely disconnect from each other is any indication.

“No.” She whispers. Her body is exhausted from the extensive workout they have done today, every muscle aches from the way she stranded and flexed it earlier, but she is not really tired, and a part of her tells her that even when he will break the contact off, she won’t be able to fall asleep properly, only missing his touch. “I am just a little bit sore, that’s all.” She smiles.

“Oh.” He whispers. “I didn’t realize I put you into so much work.” Robert moves his hands up her body, back to an area where it is safer for his touch to linger, for the sake of the both of them. Andy almost whimpers by the loss of the contact. She is already wet again between her legs, and she knows that even if it takes his body a while to recuperate, it doesn’t mean that he can’t do something for her that will make her come again. A thing that by the look of it he was very much willing to do.

“Well, it was worth it.” She reassures him, promising him that he didn’t hurt her, neither pushed any boundary she wasn’t willing to cross. She doesn’t request him to proceed where he left off, knowing the amount of time it will take if they will heat things up all over again.

Their bed is silent for a long while after that, as if what she had said was final, but she knows he is still awake, can sense the way he breathes in and out deeply, as he always does when he is invested in one thought or another.

“Can I ask you for something?” She mumbles into his warm skin.

“I will give you anything.” He replies, and deep down she knows that is true.

Andy knows Robert Sullivan hasn’t let himself love many people during his lifetime, but when he did, when he finally opened up his heart and soul and would let someone in completely, he would go lengths for said person.

“Can you just hold me until I fall asleep?” She requests, lifting her eyes up to him. He nods silently, and of course he will, he does it more often than not anyway.

“Come here.” He coaxes softly, encouraging her to find her safe place inside his embrace.

She rolls on her side and he spoons her in immediately between his strong arms. His nose finds a spot behind her ear, and he inhales her deeply, a scent that is a mixture of sex and sweat and a faint trace of her body wash filling his senses.

He holds her tight, holds her close, and without words he tells her that he will never let her go, not as long as he can fight for her, for them.

And though he holds her close, though he shields and protects her from the outside world and all the danger it might bring with it, there is a feeling in her gut that she can’t shake, a hunch that keeps her awake. Something inside her tells her to remember him, them, this way.

*************

Andy wakes up to the feeling of his lips pressed on her neck.

She blinks once, twice, trying to wake up, even though there is no light in the bedroom other than the alarm clock by her side of the bed telling the time. It hasn’t beeped yet, hasn’t woken them up offensively to a start of a new day, but she knows by reading the time it soon will.

“No morning sex.” Andy reminds him of the one thing she absolutely refuses to do. Well, she refuses to do it more often than not, but she can’t say they never indulged in some early morning activity as she was just waking up. He has a way of convincing her, of promising things he can do to her, telling her all the ways he would make her body feel, to which she just cannot resist, no matter how much she tries.

“I just wanted to wish my wife a good morning, that's all.” He grunts, trying to excuse his behavior.

“You just wanted your wife to spread her legs for you.” She mumbles, her voice still filled with sleep.

When Robert finally realizes that he won’t be able to change her mind, he rolls out of bed and makes his way into the bathroom, being the one who was obviously woken by the needs of his body earlier than she did. Five minutes later, when the alarm beeps offensively, Andy pulls the covers off of her reluctantly, grabs one of Robert’s t-shirts and puts on a pair of underwear. She pulls the garment above her head and makes her way downstairs, so she will be able to brush her teeth in the bathroom that is supposed to be for the guests, but it isn’t like they can have anyone over. Not when no one other than her father even knows she took an oath to share her life with him, for better or for worse, for richer or for poor, in sickness and in health.

When she is done, she goes ahead and turns on the coffee maker, as she hears the water in the shower upstairs still flowing. She goes along the kitchen, going through steps that have already become her morning routine, their morning routine, together.

She hums to herself a song that has been stuck in her head for a few days as she checks the steps off in her little routine, so she doesn’t notice his presence in the kitchen until he steals her coffee mug in one hand, and warps the other around her middle, pressing himself to her, still a little wet.

“Hey!” She protests. “That was mine, make you own coffee!” She tries to stand on her tiptoes to get back the item that had belonged to her in the first place, but he is taller than her, significantly so, and she isn’t able to grab it back. She huffs in annoyance when she can hear him gulping whatever it is that was left in the cup, and then his lips are on her neck again, kissing her softly.

“Well, if you think that drinking my coffee will get you anywhere closer to having sex right now, then you are very much wrong.” Andy turns around to let him see her annoyed expression, the way her entire face frowns and her lips pout. It does nothing to him, in fact, other than making him find her even sexier than before.

When she looks down, she can see he is still hard in his pants, even though she had thought he took care of that matter in the shower. Andy knows that if she says no, he won’t push her anywhere further, but a part of her can’t bring the word out of her lips. Not because she is too worried about the way he would react when she refuses. He is a grown man with two working hands and he will handle her leaving him high and dry if he has to, a thing she doesn’t do very often, a thing she didn’t do at all, she realizes.

It is that feeling again, the one she can’t seem to shake, no matter how irrational it might be. The one telling her that she has to take every chance she can to share every moment with him, to be close to him, because things might never be the same again.

So when he kisses her, tasting like coffee and mint toothpaste, she opens her mouth, letting her tongue twirl with his. She holds his face with her hands tightly, and only when she is completely out of air she whispers “We really don’t have time for that.”

He lifts her up to the counter and sits her on it, tugging the hem of her shirt, his shirt, actually, up to the middle of her belly. “Just a quickie.” He breaths out.

“You, Robert Sullivan.” Andy chuckles as he licks a sensitive spot on her jawline. “Have absolutely no clue what a quickie is. And if we do things your way, we are going to be so late to work.”

“And what is my way, exactly?” He inquires as he bites down on her earlobe, even though Andy is sure he is already well aware of the answer.

“Taking your sweet, sweet time.” She breathes out. “Kissing every piece of skin you can find, travel every part of my body with your hands. Checking that I am wet, over and over again, until I am ready enough for your liking.”

“Then let’s just be late.” He suggests. Andy is quite taken aback by his statement, considering the fact that he is so enthusiastic about following the rules. Maybe he feels that irrational, inexplicable sensation of ending in their actions, too. “I am your boss's boss, I can make sure you won’t get reprimanded for that.” He chuckles.

Andy nods eagerly as he pulls his T-shirt off of her body and throws it on the floor unceremoniously. “But we are not heaving sex on the kitchen counter.” She decided firmly. “We make our food on it, and this is just so unsanitary in so many ways.”

“You have a lot of rules today, Herrera, coming from someone who begged me just yesterday to take her hard against the inner side of the front door.” He laughs.

Andy turns red. She is usually able to keep her emotions at bay, to not let anyone else read how she feels off of her face, but when the memory of the previous evening comes back, she can’t help but blush. It is still vivid, the way he pinned her to the hard surface with his hands, the way he used his knees to keep her legs spread out. The image is enough to make her wet between the legs, and suddenly she is happy he didn’t take matters into his own hands earlier. She will take care of that for him.

“Maybe, there is a way we can have sex, and I can get ready, all in the same time.” Andy suggested.

“What do you have in mind?” Robert raises a brow mischievously. She jumps off the counter and takes his hand in hers, leading him back up to the bedroom they share. He didn’t have the chance to bother with his clothes for the day yet, only wears a pair of sweatpants and a boxer, which makes her job easier when she peels them off of him in one swift move. She looks down between them at his pulsing erection, and when she looks back up, straight into his eyes, she is licking her lips seductively.

“You are going to be the death of me, Andy Herrera.” Robert groans.

“I love you too, Robert Sullivan.” She takes his hand again and pulls him into the shower, closing the distance between them. They kiss heatedly as he turns the water on to a light, warm stream, that will relax the muscles in her body that are still a little bit aching. They make love again, and that word keeps spinning around her head as they rock their hips together, as if they move in sync to a beat of a drum only the two of them can hear.

They move slowly, cautiously, afraid to fall down in the small space, slippery from water and body wash.

She comes with his name on her lips like a prayer for which no other words exist. It doesn’t feel as strong and as overwhelming as it felt yesterday, yet it is more a wave of simple, steady pleasure she feels in her lower belly and in the tips of her toes.

As the both of them come down from their highs, the first rays of sunlight finally filter through the small window above them. Andy feels content, almost whole in some way, and when she looks up at him again, she promises herself she will always remember him this way.

Smiling at her and bathed in sunrise.

After they have managed to calm down and get themselves cleaned from the reminisce of their activity, they make their way to the station as quickly as possible, each of them driving their own car, yet they both still arrive at the same time, and very much late. They sneak in, each of them going in a different direction, him to his office, her to the locker room she shares with everyone else, not before sending one last, knowing smile in his direction, which he returns happily.

She grabs her uniform and gets dressed quickly in a corner where no one can see her, grateful she didn’t encounter any other firefighters in her way, to whom she would have to give an insufficient excuse, which will probably won’t be able to explain the fact that she has arrived later than she should have.

All along that smile is still spread across her face, the picture of him standing naked in the shower, little droplets of water flowing slowly down each of his abs still engraved in her mind, and that feeling is still bugging her in the pit of her stomach.

Maybe she will be able to sneak into his office later, only so he can reassure her, so he will be able to hold her in his arms and press a kiss to her forehead or the top of her head.

When she hears Jack talking about the men who practically raised her alongside her father, she runs up the stairs, giving each of them a warm hug. Robert arrives at the beanery not much longer after her, sending that knowing smirk her way once again, the one that makes her feel like he had seen her naked, even though he obviously has, on many occasions. The one that makes her feel as if she has done something dirty, but also makes her want to do the same thing again, and again, and again.

She almost calls him by his first name, almost lets the fact that she is so in love with him, that she is sharing her days and her nights with him slip past her lips, but she catches herself just in time.

They are drawn to each other in a way neither of them can explain, like each star holds its moons with a force no one can even imagine. She has to keep her hands together to avoid reaching out and touching him on an instinct, and she can see he does the same, his palms shoved deep into his pockets.

And then there is an incoming call, and in a blink of an eye she is gone, not before giving him an once over with her eyes, the feeling inside her pulling her down, sharper, like a sucker-punch straight to the gut.

And how does one ever know? How does one ever know that the day that started with laughter and orgasms, will end in a form of pain and sacrifice only few can understand? 

How can one ever know that the perfect bubble they built around themselves would burst so abruptly, without any warning? How does one know that their relationship they shared will come tumbling down, a victim of secrets they keep from each other and her self doubt?

How could they ever know that morning was their last completely happy moment together, not surrounded by the judgment of others and decisions that will only drift them apart further from each other? How could they ever know that they won’t share a million more showers, and coffee cups, and blissful wake up calls to the warmth of each other?

How could they have possibly known that in not so long, they are going to drift apart from each other, until she would have to call it the end and serve him the divorce paper, because she will be certain there is nothing left of them to save?

How could they have ever known that love by itself is not enough to glue that cracks that opened between them, which only went and deepened into a fracture nothing in the world could ever fix?

How could they have known it is their last night of happiness together? How could she have possibly known that she has to remember them that way?


	6. Illicit Affairs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: infidelity.  
> I don't want to give too much away, but if this subject makes you uncomfortable, then skip this one.  
> This is for the person who said they don't like smut, I decided to make it cleaner, but I would still rate it T for language.  
> I was kind of holding off of this idea for a while because I didn't know how everyone will react (I still don't) and I was scared it will be out of character, but after listening to this song I decided to go for it.  
> Also, an update for Daughter later this week, I promise. I know some of you have been waiting for that.  
> Leave me your thoughts if you want to!

"And you wanna scream  
Don't call me kid, don't call me baby  
Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me"

Illicit Affairs by Taylor Swift 

*******

Andy needs to angry chop. 

Maya is staying over at Jack’s, and Andy is not hungry, but she needs to chop something, otherwise she is going to just take a knife and throw it at one of the walls. 

She goes through whatever they have in the fridge, until she finds a piece of celery that seems like it needs to be thrown out anyway. She picks the sharpest chef knife they own and starts to cut into the piece of vegetable vigorously, trying to channel all of the anger and hurt she feels unsuccessfully. 

She moves the knife up and down in big motions, violent, even, and therefore doesn’t notice where the food ends and her hand begins. The knife makes a cut down her left palm, not deep enough for her to need stitches, but deep enough to draw a fair amount of blood streaming down her hand and onto her wrist. 

“Shit.” Andy mutters under her breath. She opens one of the drawers and pulls out a clean washcloth, pressing it down with her right hand to the wound on her left, until the piece of fabric absorbs the blood and changes its color to red. She holds it down for a minute or two, so she is sure the cut won’t bleed anymore. 

Andy is about to put the bloody towel in the laundry, among her dirty clothes from the call they had in Los Angeles and everything else that needs to be washed and scrubbed, when she hears a knock on the door. The lights in the apartment are dimmed, and she keeps quiet for a moment, thinking that it might be enough for the unwanted guest to be convinced she is not home, and leave her to her own devices. When she hears a knock again, this time harder, louder, she understands that her little plan is doomed to failure, and she has to make her presence known. 

“Miller, or Warren, or whoever it is, I am fine, I don’t need a babysitter, so you can go ahead and tell Maya or anyone else who might have sent you that I am doing alright, really.” She calls in the direction of the closed door as she makes her way toward it. 

When she turns the key in its hole and swings the door open, he is there. 

Her heart skips a beat, and then starts racing in her chest, and she is so afraid that it is thumping loud enough for him to hear. 

She would have given everything not to feel that way for this man. The way she has never felt toward any other man before he came storming into her life, uninvited, uncalled for. 

For years now, she managed to convince herself that she was perfectly happy with her life the way they were, she didn’t need any of that feeling. 

The feeling that gets everything messy and complicated and tears people from the inside out and leaves nothing but ashes in its wake. 

“Andy…” He whispers her name softly to the sight of her, and if it wasn’t completely impossible, she might have said that he feels the same way. The way she feels whenever he is around. Like the world is frozen and time has no meaning, and there is nothing but the way his eyes look at her. ”Nobody sent me to check on you. I just care. You looked so… Disoriented after we arrived back from California. I just wanted to make sure you are alright, that’s all. I couldn’t walk away after seeing you like that.” 

They are still standing by the front door, Andy reluctant to let him into her home. “See, but that’s just the thing. You shouldn't care. You should only care for me as much as a captain cares for his lieutenant. As much as you care for Maya, or Jack, or any other member of our team. I am certain you won't make a house call outside of work hours just to check on them. I think we have proven to ourselves that we can’t even be friends, damn it, because it makes me feel all those things I really, really shouldn’t feel!” She yells. “So I would appreciate it if you just treated me like any other lieutenant from now on.”

She never admitted that before this very moment. The way she feels for him. Not to herself, and definitely not to his ears or to anyone else's. 

“Andy…” He whispers her name again, in that tone that makes warmth spread in her core. “You know I can’t do that.” 

They hated each other at first. And that place, the one where she hated him, was comfortable enough for her. Because in that place, where she felt nothing for him other than complete despise, it was easy enough to fool herself into believing that the fire that burns inside her when he is around is a fire of hatred, and not one of attraction. 

Everything changed after they had been through their first near death experience together. They grew closer, became friends slowly but surely, as can be expected for an experience like that to do to two people who used to be almost enemies. And with every stolen glance, every half smile they sent each other’s way, the fire inside her grew brighter and warmer, until it almost consumed her entirely today and she had no other choice but to put a name to that awful and glorious feeling inside of her. 

She fell in love with him. 

And as that invisible string kept pulling them towards each other, she kept telling herself that she could stop whenever she wanted to. She couldn't have been more wrong. She fell in love with him. The one man who she shouldn’t, couldn’t, fall for.

Her forbidden fruit. 

And she is oh so tempted to have just a taste. 

“What happened?” Sullivan asks as he sees the bloody towel in her right hand and the quite deep cut in the other. He steps into the apartment and closes the door behind him, understanding that she is not going to invite him in on her own free will. He takes her left hand in his, and traces a circle around the cut with his long, delicate fingers.

She feels his touch deep in her body. Everything in her belly clenches, and her heart does the same, too. 

If only he could kiss it better and make the scar disappear. 

If only he could kiss her better and make every wound and every cut she has on her heart and soul disappear as well. 

“Did… Did you cut yourself?” He asks softly, and she can see the concern in his eyes. 

Andy rolls her eyes at his reaction. “Do you really think I am so sad over you that I would harm myself on purpose?” She answers, and looks at the direction of the kitchen. “I was just making dinner and I didn’t pay enough attention, that’s all.” She lies. 

And it seems like this is all they do lately. Lie. They lie to the people around them, lie to each other, lie to themselves. And she is so sick and tired of lying, and hiding, and pretending, and pushing her feelings down until she chokes on them. 

“Oh.” He whispers, and that’s the moment she realizes he still has her hand in his. He never let go. 

“Look, I really appreciate that you came in and checked on me. Everything in that wildfire was different for me. Everything felt heightened. I have never been in a fire like that before, and I really believed we were not going to make it out alive. But I am fine, really, and I just think it is going to be best if you just go now, please.” She begs. She glances into his eyes, and she might be imagining it completely, imaging everything, but she thinks she sees a battle that rages inside of him. “She is probably waiting for you, anyway. You haven’t been home for a while now. Go back to her, Robert. Please.” Andy pleads. 

She is sending him back to the arms of another woman, because she knows. She knows that if he doesn’t turn around and leave right now, if he doesn’t forget about her completely, the two of them might slip into an abyss neither of them will be able to climb out of. He has to leave her behind, out of sight and out of mind, and never look back. 

Andy is not sure how exactly she knows that, but she has that hunch inside her telling her that the moment she will let herself be wrapped in his arms, the moment their bodies will first meet, entangling in each other, the moment they will get to explore each other’s skins and tastes, there will be no going back. They won’t be able to stop. 

He is like a dangerous addiction she has, and she is oh so tempted to fall off the wagon. 

“I can’t go.” He breaths out. She doesn’t pull away, can’t pull away from his soft touch and those dark eyes that pierce deep into her soul. For a long minute they just stand there, breathing the same air, staring into each other's eyes. It will only require her to step on her tiptoes and wrap her hands around his neck, and she could be kissing him. She could be tasting him. She could have him, even if only for a short amount of time. 

Because she knows he will never be hers, not fully, not truly. 

What the hell did she get herself into? 

It takes every bit of self control she has, but she manages to disconnect herself from him and puts some distance between their bodies. She thinks that the action will lower the ache she feels for him deep in her abdomen, but if anything, it does the exact opposite. 

There is a sudden chill going through her spine, even though it is the middle of the summer, and the weather outside is anything but frosty. 

“Andy, please, talk to me. Just tell me. What is it that you want?” 

She snorts and crosses her arms around her chest, as if it can protect her heart from shattering any further. “I want you, Robert!” She screams. “I want you like I have never wanted anything else in my life, I want you like I have never wanted any other man I have ever met! I want everything! I want to be the woman you wake up to, and the one you go to sleep with. But I can’t be all those things for you, because you have another woman who keeps your bed warm, right? And I bet she doesn’t even know you are here.” 

“Andy...” He calls her name in that soft voice once again, even though she is already screaming at the top of her lungs. Robert moves closer to her again. She flinches and walks back, and she can see the hurt on his face as he notices her reaction. 

“And I am so, so afraid that I will never feel this way again toward any other man but you, a married man.” She looks down, scared to see anything else in his eyes when she adds the next part in a whisper. “And I can tell you what I don’t want to be. I don’t want to be the other woman.” 

He walks towards her, making a few big steps, and she has no other choice but to step backwards to his rhythm. And then her back hits a wall, and he is oh so close again, closer than he has been before. He still has a faint smell of ashes, couldn’t really scrub the scent of fire out of his skin. She can smell his cologne on his skin, and if heartbreak had a scent, she is sure she could have smelled it too. 

“Claire is great, Robert. We can’t do this to her.” Andy advocates for his wife. She places a hand on his chest, and she means to push him away, to shove him off of her, she really does, but she can’t find the strength inside her to do just that. Instead, her hand just lingers there, feeling his firm muscles and his heart pulsing beneath the T-shirt he wears. “She is beautiful, and considerate, and everyone in the station loves her. She always smiles, and wishes everyone good morning. She bakes cookies and raises donations for the department, even though she has a full time job as an accountant. She has been through hell and back, she survived a terrible car accident fifteen years ago, and yet she is so strong. She is perfect, and I will never, never be her.” 

“I don’t want you to be her. I want you to be you, Andy Herrera. The beautiful, strong minded, free spirited, funny, amazing woman that you are. The woman that I…” He tries to complete the sentence, but she puts her hand on his mouth, preventing him from making another single sound. 

Oh, how she wants to hear him say those three little words to her. And oh, how she dreads to hear him say those words like that, when they both know they can’t act on them, as if they mean nothing at all. 

She looks up, and brings the hand that is covering his mouth down slowly. Her fingers caresses the stubble on his cheek and makes a path down his neck until she reaches his chest, and then drops it down completely. 

Lust. 

If she could only describe the look he has in his eyes at the moment with one word and one word alone, lust is the one she would have chosen. 

Andy is sure he is going to kiss her, is going to devour her with his lips and his hands and his body. Every part of her skin, from the tip of her head down to the end of her toes buzzes with sensation, and she knows that the moment he will cross that line, there will be no going back for either of them. 

Robert settles on a soft peck to her forehead. It might have been friendly, might have been something she could have easily dismissed, if it weren’t for the way his lips linger on her skin, his hands grasp her arms and doesn't let her go. 

“This is such a cliche.” Andy protests. She moves and detangles herself from his hold. He takes a step back, and suddenly she is no longer trapped between his body and the wall. She can breathe again when he is not so close to her, can finally gulp for air, and the feeling of the oxygen missing from her lungs takes her back to the moment they shared in that pool, when they almost lost their lives. She can finally breathe again when he is not almost pressed to her, but she understands that the loss of contact, the loss of his hands on her arms makes her feel like something is missing. 

As if something was stolen, robbed from her. 

“This is such a cliche.” Andy repeats. She presses the balls of her palms to her eyes, as if by doing so he will disappear, away from her home, away from her sight, away from her heart, and she will be able to push those feelings down again, all the way to where they belong. 

He is still standing there when she opens her eyes again, looking at her with so much care and concern she has to look away, otherwise his gaze will burn into her skin and make her fall apart completely. She starts to pace back and forth along the living room and breaths out the air in her lungs before she explains. “The older, married man and the younger subordinate. Much like a plot of a book you can find in the trashy novels section in the library. But unlike those books, I know better than to wish for a happily ever after. I know what will happen next. You are going to whisper all those pretty promises in my ear. You are going to tell me that you will leave her, and that we will be able to be together. But you never will, always find a reason why it isn’t quite the right time to break up with her, and I will keep falling for it, over and over again, waiting for you to choose me. And I refuse to be the woman you fuck when you are all alone at your office in the middle of the night, or when she is away on a vacation. I refuse to be nothing but a meeting in a parking lot. I don’t want you to act like I don’t even exist.” 

He reaches softly to touch her arms again, to offer what little comfort he can, but she pulls away from him. 

Andy continues talking, the words leaving her mouth quickly. “I have never heard of a married, male firefighter who had an affair with another female firefighter. I… I don’t know if anything like that ever happened before, or if this is, if we are a first. But I have heard a story about a firefighter who broke this unwritten firefighter code, who slept with the wife of one of his teammates. And when it came to light, inevitably so, the consequences were devastating. He became an outcast, until he had no other choice but to leave his own station, maybe he even left his badge, too, and never came back. I don’t know what everyone else is going to say or do when they find out, but I don’t want to give them any more reason to hate me.” 

She stops dead in her tracks and looks at him, waiting for him to say something, anything. A part of her wants him to admit that she is right, that they are playing with a dangerous wildfire, and that they are going to end up with a nasty burn. But another part of her wants to hear him promise that everything is going to work out. He looks sad, and exhausted, and there is that internal battle again in his eyes which he doesn’t even try to hide from her. 

A war between doing the right thing, and the way he feels, his deep and dark desires. And she knows that no matter which side will win, it will kill him slowly. 

Andy bets that if she looks at her reflection in the mirror, she will see the exact same fight in her own eyes, too. 

“I don’t want to hurt her.” He whispers. 

“So you are just going to settle on hurting me instead. Got it, captain.” Andy nods. “Now if you can just leave. It has been a long couple of days and I need some sleep.” She makes her way to the door and opens it up for him widely, signaling very clearly that as far as she is concerned, this conversation is officially over. 

He puts his hand on the door and slams it shut, and they are so close again. “Nothing happened between us, Andy. I didn’t cheat on my wife.” The words that come out of his mouth sound like he speaks to himself rather than to her, trying to convince himself that he had done nothing wrong. 

She wonders if he actually believes any of that. 

“You know, you and I have very different definitions of nothing.” Andy bites. And she knows that at the moment, she has to hate him. She has to hate him, because she knows no other way to contain whatever it is she feels for this man. “As I see it, cheating is not only sleeping with someone else. Cheating is throwing longing glances to a woman who is not your wife. It is to let your hands linger, to let your eyes wonder.” 

“Are you saying that I harassed you?” Sullivan asks in disbelief. 

“I am saying that I fell in love with you, a married man! And you did nothing to discourage it! I am saying that I think you let yourself fall in love with me!” She yells until she has no more air in her lungs and her voice is hoarse. 

Andy looks up to his left hand, still holding the front door shut, and his golden marriage ring glistens on his finger, teasing her, a constant reminder of the reason she can’t have the one thing she desires more than anything. 

“Robert.” She whispers his name again. “It might not change anything between us, but I need to know, please.” She begs. “Am I the only one who feels this? I know, I know that no matter what the two of us might feel, it can’t happen. But please, tell me, am I crazy? Did I make everything up?” 

The silence as he contemplates his answer is heavy and suffocating. They both know what the easy answer is, the one they both need to hear in order to keep living their lives apart from each other, away from each other. But that answer, the easy one, is a lie, and they can’t keep lying to each other anymore. 

Sullivan shakes his head as he tries to come up with the right words that won’t leave the two of them heartbroken and bleeding, if such words even exist. “You are not making it up. I fell in love with you, I let myself fall in love with you. And as much as the love I feel for you is true, it just can’t happen.” 

Andy grunts as she hears him say the one thing she wanted to know is true, but was also so scared to hear coming from him at the same time. 

Love. 

She slams a fist against the door, making him jump. “How did I find myself in the middle of all of this?” She asks, not sure to whom the question is intended. It might be to him, or to herself, or to God and the universe. It isn’t like she is going to get that one answered, anyway. 

“Do you think I planned to fall in love with you? That it is easy for me to feel all those things toward a woman who is not my wife, and who is also my subordinate? That I don’t want to take you in my arms right here and now, and make love to you, or fuck you, whatever it is that you prefer to call it? That I haven’t dreamed about peeling away every piece of clothing off of you and discovering all the things that lie underneath? That I didn’t almost whispered your name when I was having sex with her? That I don’t close my eyes and picture you when I am with the woman I promised to be faithful to, until death do us apart? Tell me what lie you want to hear, Andy, and I will gladly tell it to you!” 

“Leave. Now.” Andy orders, because she can feel the tears standing on her eyelashes, threatening to fall, and she knows she won’t be able to keep them at bay for much longer. 

And she refuses to cry in front of him. She refuses to let him take any other part of her soul as he walks away and never looks back, like she knows he will do, sooner or later. 

He has taken enough from her. 

“I don’t want to leave you.” He whispers. 

“Please go.” She begs, whispers the words again and again, until he is finally convinced. 

Just before he steps out of the apartment, she stands on her tiptoes and kisses him goodbye, pressing her lips to his cheek gently. They both linger, praying that time will stop and they will remain forever frozen with her skin touching his. But time doesn’t stop, it never does, and as she disconnects from him, she can see one of her own tears making its way down his face. 

And then she closes the door, and he is gone. 

Andy slides down the door and sits with her back leaning against the wooden surface. Her tears stream down her face now, and she is crying, and no matter how much she tries to wipe the tears away, to make them disappear, they refuse to dry. 

And that’s the thing about illicit affairs, and clandestine meetings and stolen stares. They are all born from one single glance, but they die, and they die slowly, and as they die, you die with them, a million little times.


	7. Photograph

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Thank you for coming back!  
> This one is rated M for smut. Please read till the end, it will be worth it I promise!  
> This is my take on the spoilers we got so far, so this is kind of an idea of what will happen in S4.  
> Leave me your thoughts if you like, and if you have any one shot prompts for me, I would love to hear them :)  
> Hope you enjoy!

"And if you hurt me  
That's okay baby, only words bleed  
Inside these pages you just hold me  
And I won't ever let you go  
Wait for me to come home" 

Photograph by Ed Sheeran 

***********

Andy keeps spinning the polaroid picture she found in the pocket of her ripped jeans between her thumb and her forefinger, feeling the smooth surface between her fingers. She stupidly enough washed the pair of pants with the photo still inside them, so the colors faded and the edges are a bit wrinkled, but she can still recognize well enough the two people looking at her from the little card. 

Two people who were so in love with each other, never knowing what fate has in store for them, lurking around the corner, waiting to surprise them just when they least expected it, tearing them apart from each other completely. 

Andy can remember vividly the moment she took that picture. She was looking for something, can’t really recall what, going through Robert’s belongings in an attempt to retrieve whatever it was that she needed. Then she found that old polaroid camera, different from the ones they make today. It was dusty and obviously out of use, but Andy managed to take one good picture with it nonetheless. 

Her eyes are shining in the picture, her hair a mess from being properly disheveled by him. She is smiling widely as he kisses her cheek, his eyes open, staring into the camera, too. After the photo was taken, Robert insisted on her keeping the small memento, and so she shoved it to the pair of ripped jeans she is currently wearing. In the aftermath of everything that happened just a few days later, she forgot the little piece of film in the pocket, and she never got around to wearing this particular pants for some reason ever since that day. A day that took place forever ago. 

She can recognize the man and the woman in the picture, in love with each other to a painful level, but she can’t say she knows who they are anymore. 

They drifted apart far, far away from the smitten man and the woman whose memory this photo forever holds. 

Andy sighs and places the picture on the bar with a slam. “Hey, Trey, can I have another one please?” She asks as she points at the empty tequila shot in front of her. 

Joe’s bar is significantly quiet for a midweek night. There is the regular stream of doctors and nurses coming in and out, de-stressing after a long shift at the hospital just across the street, and a few other clients who found themselves in the dark bar nursing a drink at a late hour in the middle of the week. 

Andy can feel the eyes of a few of her friends piercing a hole through her back. They all came over together, inviting her to sit down with them and share a pint of beer, but Andy prefers to be alone. 

Her marriage is over before it even had an actual opportunity to start, and the last thing she wants to hear right now is her teammates saying they told her as much, and that she should have known better. 

All she wants to do is have another drink or two, even though she knows that no amount of liquor will be able to subside the ache she feels between her rib cages when she thinks about the ugly turn her life had taken in the last couple of months. 

“You know, he comes by pretty often.” The bartender points at Robert’s image, looking up from the picture still tossed on the bar, as he places the drink she ordered in front of her. “He goes down the stairs every couple of days or so, and takes a good look around. I can always see hope on his face as he scans the room thoroughly, and when he can’t find the one thing he is looking for, there is always that surge of sadness that seems to cling to his entire body. Then he leaves, never stays, never orders a drink.” Trey gives her a small smile, as another customer signals for him from across the bar, expecting to be served. “Look, I know I should probably not meddle in whatever it is that is going on between the two of you, it is obviously none of my business, but I have seen my fair share of broken hearts, and by the way you look at this picture, I can safely say that the one thing he comes looking for is you.” 

Then he goes to fill the requests of his other paying clients, leaving her to dwell on his words and the memories. 

Andy swings the little glass up to her lips, emptying the content into her mouth. The amber liquid burns its way through her throat and into her stomach, making her feel a little warmer inside than she previously did. It has been her third or her forth shot, and even though Andy is a woman who is known for her capability of holding down her liquor, the world already starts to blur around the edges. 

Things have been bad between the two of them. 

They have been arguing more than they have been loving, have been screaming more than whispering words of desire to each other. All they seemed to do is fight, and it has been months and she is exhausted. He has been blaming her for never giving their relationship a fair chance, always so scared of what her peers and her mother might say or think. She has been accusing him of self sabotaging, of bringing them to the point they found themselves in today. 

She has moved out of his bed and to the coach, then back to Jack’s apartment all together. 

The last time she saw him was a month ago, give or take. He works for a private firefighting company now, the fire department never giving him a chance to find his way back to it’s lines after he admitted to stealing narcotics. He was lucky enough they let him off the hook without pressing any criminal charges. She met him on a call, and instead of both of them doing their jobs and staying as far away from each other as possible, the incident ended up with another big explosion between the man and the woman who once promised they would have and hold each other, for better or for worse. 

Andy doesn't know why, but it just seems like every time they come face to face with each other, they have to pick a fight. She can’t help herself around him, has to argue, even though she is not sure anymore what they are arguing about. 

The fallout between the two spouses was bad, to such extent Maya had to reprimand her, to scold her to leave her personal problems out of their calls once they made it back to the station. For a change, Andy said nothing back as her captain yelled and yelled, because she knew she deserved it. 

She made her own bed, and now she is sleeping in it. 

Andy signals Trey to pour her another one, the fingers of one hand play with the rim of the empty glass, as the other shoves the polaroid deep into her left pocket, where it belongs, out of sight and out of mind. 

She will never admit that, but everyone around her telling her that her marriage to her former battalion chief was doomed to end in failure were right, yet she was just too stubborn and too in love to see the train-wreck approaching her way rapidly. 

Too bad that love by itself is not enough to get the two of them to keep holding onto each other as the world keeps throwing obstacle after obstacle their way. 

Andy can feel someone standing behind her, hovering just over her shoulder, and for a moment there is a surge of hope deep in her belly that it might be him. That it might be Robert, telling her that he is not ready to give up on her yet, that they can mend whatever it is that is broken. 

But moments like that only ever happen in fairy tales, and the belief of a happy ever after kept letting Andy down over and over again in the past six months. 

And she is no damsel in distress, so when she sees Jack finding a seat on the empty bar stool just to her right, she gives him a smirk, and bits her lower lip seductively. 

“Hey there, stranger.” Jack greets her, handing over a bottle of beer he just opened. Andy nods her head in his direction and clicks her drink with his, before bringing it to her lips and taking a long sip. “Do you really prefer sitting here all alone, dwelling on whatever it is that you think about, instead of hanging out with us? There is still an open spot next to our table.” He makes an offer. 

“I don’t particularly feel like having every choice and every decision I have ever made being judged and torn apart to shreds tonight.” Andy shrugs and takes another big swig, leaving the bottle half empty by now. 

“So what do you feel like doing?” Jack asks. She should say she wants to drink alone, she should send him back to the table where her co-workers laugh and make jokes on account of each other. He is a good man, and she should not sabotage his progress. The progress she knows he has worked so hard to achieve. 

But hell, he is also a grown man, and he can make his own choices for himself. 

“I want to feel something other than angry, and hurt, and frustrated.” She admits, taking the two of them back to another night when she made the exact same comment, at the exact same bar. “And as far as I can recall, we have a history of helping each other out in such cases.” 

The both of them know how that exact night ended, and the many nights that followed. 

“Do you really believe it is a good idea for me to sleep with a married woman again?” 

Andy snorts. She rotates the bottle in her hands, watching the bubbles rising to the surface. “Jack, I am currently married on the paper only, and I have a reason to believe even this is bound to end soon. We don’t live under the same roof anymore, we haven’t spoken to each other for over a month. I am many things, but I don’t think I can call myself a married woman anymore.” 

Andy places the bottle on the bar, among some bills she fishes out of her other pocket, that will cover the few drinks she had and quite a decent tip. “Look, Jack. I am not looking for flowers and chocolates and sweet words. If it makes you feel all bad and guilty inside, that’s on you, but I am telling you that he and I both know that our marriage is over.” She sighs. “I am going to the storage room. If you are not going to be there in five minutes, I am just going to turn around and I will meet you at the house. But if you do plan on showing up… Well, I don’t think I have to explain to you what is going to happen.” 

She stands up, ready to make her way to the back of the bar, when she feels his hand grabbing on her wrist. “Wait.” He stops her from going any further. Jack pays for his drinks and takes her palm in his, lacing their fingers together. 

As they make their way to the room where they will be able to find some privacy, Andy catches Maya’s eyes in her glance. The blonde shakes her head, and Andy knows she is trying to make her think again about her choices. 

But Maya is the last person who can pull any criticism about the choices Andy makes. 

She needs to forget, she needs to forget him and forget that picture, and if alcohol won’t help her erase whatever it is that she is feeling but can’t name, well, then maybe Jack will. 

Andy tears her gaze away from the woman who used to be her best friend, and enters the storage room, Jack closing the door behind them. 

They just stare at each other for a long moment, not knowing how to proceed. It has been a while since the last time they have been together, and the whole situation is a bit awkward, but Andy is sure that once they will push through the initial embarrassment, they will be able to slide right back to the place that used to be so familiar to the both of them. 

Jack slides his hands into her front pockets and pulls her closer to him, until their bodies touch and their breaths mix in together. 

And then she sees it, lying on the floor between them. 

That photograph. It must have fallen when Jack pulled her towards him. 

And she knows she can’t do it. 

She hasn’t had sex since the morning before her father died, when everything felt so new and exhilarating. When she had no other care in the world other than to convince her husband that smoothies don’t count as breakfast. She hasn’t had sex with any other man but him since the day she came to his door and told him she wanted him to kiss her, to make her feel. 

And she realizes she doesn’t want to have meaningless sex with another man, who she cares for very much, her friend, whose feelings are bound to get hurt in the process. 

She hasn’t had sex with anyone else, but that doesn’t mean she didn’t touch herself from time to time, when the nights got long and lonely and she couldn’t sleep. And as she closed her eyes and came quietly, in each and every time it was Robert who she had imagined touching her, making her head spin. It was his hands, his body, his name that came on her lips. It has been him for a long while now, and Andy knows deep down inside of her that it will always be him. 

She doesn’t want any other man, she doesn’t want just another random man to take the edges off and make her feel pleasure. She wants him, still wants him, and she has to have faith in him, in them, as long as there is still the slightest chance that they can untangle the giant mess they found themselves in. 

She has to find her way back into his arms, even if it seems impossible at the moment. 

“Jack, Jack stop.” Andy pushes him away as he kisses her neck. “I can’t do it.” 

Jack steps away, staring at her with confusion written all over his face. She was the one to initiate the contact, after all. “It is him, isn’t it?” He asks as she picks the photograph of the floor and pushes it deep into her pocket again. 

Andy nods. “I love him, Jack, I am in love with him. Even if none of you can understand it. Even if I can’t understand it more often than not. You are a great man, and you deserve your happiness. But your happiness isn’t with me, and I don’t want to hurt you.” She takes his face in her hands and kisses him softly on the cheek, before she barges through the door and up the stairs of the bar. 

On her way out, she can see Maya again, only this time she is smiling at her, and nodding her head in approval. 

And Andy knows she is doing the right thing, by herself, and by Jack, too. 

She uses a ride share app on her phone to find her way back, knowing she drank too much to drive herself, or to walk anywhere. Her car rolls to the entrance of the bar in no time, and in the driver seat sits a middle aged man who wears glasses and a warm smile on his face. He refers to her as ma'am, asking her about her night politely. 

The rest of the drive goes by quietly, the only noise in the car is the radio playing softly and the sound of the heavy rain that started to pour outside. It was nothing but a drizzle when she left the bar, yet the weather in Seattle is everything but predictable, and as she steps out of the car and thanks the driver, she finds herself in something that resembles a storm very much. 

The house she stands in front of is filled with so many memories, each of them stabs her like a knife to the chest when she recalls them. Waking up to his warm body in the morning, and his complaints about her cold feet every night. Cooking meals together, and making love to each other, and cuddling on the sofa in front of a movie, until her eyes felt heavy and he had to persuade her sweetly to follow him to their bed, his leg injury preventing him from carrying her up the stairs and into the bedroom they shared. The rare night she went to sleep on the sofa, when the cracks in their relationship have already started to show, and woke up in the middle of the night to him sliding behind her and wrapping his arms around her middle. The beam of hope she felt at that very moment, even though that come morning, it didn’t last. 

And as she stares at the house that holds almost every happy moment she shared with the man she still loves, even after all the pain and the heartbreak, she can’t bring herself to walk in, or rather to push the doorbell and wait for an answer that may or may not come, since she doesn’t have a key anymore. 

She can’t bring herself to order another ride back to the place she has been sleeping in either, to the apartment she shares with Jack, but still doesn’t think of as her home. 

So she just stands there, lets the seconds and the minutes pass by, until she is soaking wet, drenched to her bones with the rain that keeps falling heavily on her. She is shaking, but still, she doesn’t flinch, doesn’t make a move towards or away from the four walls where she last felt happy and safe. 

She doesn't have to make a move, because the door opens to a crack, and as she sees him peeking out to the street, her breath catches in her throat. He is wearing a pair of light gray sweatpants and nothing else, his chest is naked and his feet are bare, and he is every bit as handsome as he was the day she finally realized she was in love with him. 

“Andy?” He asks, squinting his eyes in her direction, trying to figure out if it is really her figure he sees, completely soaked with rain water, her hands crossed across her chest. 

“I… I…” She tries to explain her presence in this late hour of night outside a house she doesn’t live in anymore, but her teeth are rattling, and she can’t really find the words anyway. 

“Come in.” He invites her. She hesitates, not really sure she should take the offer, afraid of what she might do or feel around him. “Andy, you are still my wife, and I don’t have a habit of letting my wife get pneumonia when it is really easy for me to keep you all warm and cozy. Come on, I know you are stubborn, but so am I. Now get inside here before I will have to step outside and carry you in.” 

It takes her a moment, but Andy finally manages to move her legs, walking slowly towards the door, which he closes behind her. 

His house is warm, and she breathes in the familiar scent as he wraps her in a dry blanket. His hands linger on her shoulders, rubbing up and down in a soothing motion, and she does nothing to push him away. “I am getting everything wet. Another reason for you to hate me now, as if you don’t have enough of them already.” Andy is still shaking, so she wraps the blanket tighter around her small body, but her clothes are drenched, so it does very little to prevent the chill she feels going up and down her spine. 

“I don’t hate you.” He whispers softly, his mouth so close to her ear she can feel his warm breath tickling down the back of her neck, and suddenly the goosebumps on her skin are not solely an outcome of the rain. “I don’t ever think I can hate you.” 

“I am sorry I woke you.” Andy apologies. She knows she wasn't the one who woke him up, but she has so much to ask his forgiveness for, so she might as well start with something. 

“I wasn’t sleeping.” Robert admits as he pulls away from her. “To be honest, it is quite hard for me to sleep in that big bed all alone, without having another body to keep me warm and keep me company. I know you weren't there, at the other end of the bed, for that long, but I guess I got used to your presence quite quickly.” She wants to tell him that she feels the same, but there is no sound coming out of her mouth. “So I wandered downstairs, and as I looked out the window I thought I saw someone standing in the rain. It is a good thing I decided to open the door to get a better look, otherwise you would have probably become an icicle by now.” 

Andy smiles at his joke, but then there is another shiver going through her body, and she is shaking. 

“Let’s make a deal.” Robert suggests. “We will take you out of those wet clothes, and I will make us two mugs of hot cocoa, and then you can tell me what you were doing outside of my house at two in the morning on a Tuesday. 

“I didn’t know you could make any other drink but smoothies.” Andy manages to crack a joke, and he is smiling at her. 

She doesn’t have a logical explanation, but the air between them is clearer now, like they have been stuck under a thick blanket of fog for the last months, and only now the clouds have risen and they can finally, finally see each other the same way as the day he asked her to marry him, and she said yes. 

“Well, it is my specialty, but I didn’t think suggesting that would be a good idea. I find it hard to believe a smoothie will be your drink of choice, while you will fight that inevitable cold coming your way.” He peels the blanket off of her body, but as he reaches to take off her sweater, she takes a step back. 

“I didn’t leave anything here. I won’t have anything to wear.” Andy explains. 

“Wait here, I will get you something of my own.” He promises, and then disappears up the stairs, climbing them up two by two, now that his leg injury is no longer an issue. 

Andy uses the little time she has to take in her surroundings, scanning for any little thing he could have changed in the few months she hasn’t been living under this roof. The house is impeccably organized again, now that there aren’t any of her boxes taking space and collecting dust everywhere, but other than that, it stayed completely the same. There is a picture facing flat on the coffee table, the only thing that is out of sorts in the otherwise perfectly decorated house, and Andy is painfully aware of the fact that this is another picture of the two of them. 

She guesses that they each made an effort to keep the memories as far away from sight as possible. 

She can hear him coming back down the stairs, sees him holding a navy blue colored hoodie in his reached out hand. “Andy, please get undressed so I will be able to take your clothes to the dryer. It isn’t like I haven’t seen it all before. Every minute that you stay in your wet clothes, the larger the chance you have of getting sick. And I know you, you won’t tolerate it if Maya decides to send you home before you get the entire A shift infected.” 

“I know where the laundry room is, Robert. I used to live in this house for a short while. You really don’t have to do this for me.” She tries to make her way to the small room just next to the guest bathroom, but he is blocking her way. 

“Let me do this for you. Please.” He begs. 

Andy nods, and she can’t ignore the way he looks at her as she starts to get undressed. His glare is heated, burning her skin, and at the same time it makes her feel like she is standing in the middle of a blizzard, her entire body shaking to the core under his gaze. She takes her shoes and socks off, then undoes the button and the zipper of her jeans and takes them off. Her top is the last item to go, and as she pulls it up and over her head, he is standing in front of her, frozen, her hands reached in his direction with the little crumpled pile of wet clothes. 

“You are not wearing a bra.” He swallows. ,

“I didn’t feel like it before I left the apartment, and the sweater I wore was thick and loose enough to cover everything I needed to keep covered.” Andy shrugs, trying to keep her tone casual, as if she doesn’t get a little wet between her thighs just by the way his eyes keep roaming back and forth across her bare chest. “I just thought you said you saw it all before.” She smiles triumphantly. 

He doesn’t make a sound, doesn’t even try to say something to tease her back. Her nipples are hard and dark, and Andy can’t tell if it is from the fact that her skin is still a little bit wet, or from the way he looks at them at the moment, like he is planning to take one of them in his mouth and suck on it, hard. 

Andy knows that if he chooses to do so, she will be putty in his hands. She remembers vividly how good he can make her feel, using his hands and his tongue and his body, and she is willing to take whatever he wants to give her. But she already knows that sex is not the way to solve all their problems. She is afraid that if they use the pleasures of flesh instead of making actual work to close the gap that kept growing bigger and bigger between them, she is just going to push them further apart. 

“Robert, are you going to hand me the hoodie, or are you just going to keep standing here like a statue?” She reaches her hand out. He finally takes her wet clothes and gives her the dry one, and as he moves quickly towards the laundry room, she pulls his hoodie over her head and down her naked body. 

“Wait.” She asks him as he turns around, remembering the photograph she left in the front of her pants. She reaches out and pulls the little piece of film out of the pocket, and for a moment they both look at it. It is completely soaking wet from the rain, the picture crumpled and changed to a point where neither of them can recognize it, but they both know well enough who the man and the woman captured by the camera were. 

Robert is gone, and Andy places the little photograph on the coffee table, right next to the frame still lying upside down. 

The piece of clothing she wears is thick and warming, and it still smells so much like him. It reaches her mid-thigh as she stands, yet as she sits down instinctively on the side of the sofa she used to call hers, Andy pulls the top a little bit further down her thighs, suddenly aware of the fact that other than the top and her underwear, she wears absolutely nothing. 

When they were still together, she used to steal his T-shirts and his sweatshirts all the time, used to run around the house wearing nothing but them, so his hands would have easy access to the place between her thighs where she needed him more often than not. She has one certain memory of her sitting on his desk in his makeshift home office, her legs spread wide, his fingers inside of her, his mouth biting down hard on her neck. 

Her eyes are fixated on a random spot on the wall as she recalls their activities in the room not far away from the one she is sitting in, so she doesn’t hear Robert coming back, until he hands her a steaming mug of the chocolaty liquid. 

“Thank you.” She whispers her gratitude as she takes the cup out of his hand. 

“You are blushing.” He notes as he sits right beside her, nursing his own drink in his hand. “What are you thinking about?” He inquires, even though Andy has a feeling he already knows. 

“I am not blushing.” She objects, and doesn’t answer the second part of his sentence. Andy blows lightly on her hot drink, and then takes a small sip of it. The rich, sweet aroma feels her senses, and she hums in appreciation as it moves down her throat and settles in her belly. 

“You added whiskey to our hot chocolate?” She raises a brow in his direction, yet reaches for the hot beverage again and takes another long sip. 

“Well, I only added alcohol to yours. I thought you might appreciate it. I, on the other hand, can’t drink. It is not wise for drug addicts to drink, you know, with booze being a slippery slope and all. Amelia won’t appreciate me putting whiskey in my hot cocoa, that is for sure.” He refers to his surgeon, who became his AA sponsor once he was officially no longer her patient. 

He never told her as much, their relationship being too far into the abyss when it happened, but she heard that specific detail about his life from Meredith in one of her trips to Grey Sloan. In one of her attempts to gather information about her husband’s progress from anyone but him. 

“Are you trying to get me drunk, Robert Sullivan?” 

“Never, Andy Herrera.” He promises, and as she sneaks another glance in his direction, she can see a rare and satisfying smile spread across his face.

“Well, I will have to admit that I did have a few drinks at Joe’s before I came here. I needed some liquid courage.” Andy taps her fingers nervously on the side of her mug, until he places a soft hand on hers, asking her to stop fidgeting without using that many words.

It has been a long while since he last touched her, and the feeling of his skin on hers makes her jump a little in surprise. He takes his hand away sharply, and she can see in his eyes that he is scared he had gone too far, that he had done something he shouldn’t have. 

“What did you need courage for?” He asks, trying to distract the both of them from  
whatever it was that just happened. 

“To tell you that I don’t want to fight anymore. To ask you if you are willing to have a quiet, simple conversation, just the two of us. Two adults who were so in love with each other once. Two adults who might find that same love still somewhere in their hearts.” 

“I would very much like that.” He nods. 

“I…” Andy hesitates, but if there is one thing she learned in the past year, is that life is short, and if you love someone, you should tell them. If you want something, you should ask for it. She may get rejected, but at least she will leave this house for the last time knowing she tried her hardest. “I have so many amends to make. To be honest, I can’t even recall what all of our fights and arguments were about. But I do know this. I still love you, I am still in love with you, even if I can’t explain it, even if after everything we have been through, I should probably hate you, and you should definitely hate me. But instead, I found myself standing by your door step in the middle of a storm, wanting to ask you if you think our relationship, or whatever that is left of it, anyway, is worth salvaging.” 

As Andy finishes the little speech she rehearsed over and over again in her mind all through her drive in her Uber, she can’t look him in the eye, too afraid she will see rejection in them. She pretends to drink the remaining of her cocoa, grateful for having something to concentrate on as she waits for him to say something, anything. 

Her relief doesn't last long, because he takes the mug away from her grip and places it on the table, right next to his. This does the job, and as she looks at him, she can tell he is closed some of the distance between them, and now he is awfully close. 

“Despite everything that you might think of me, I didn’t magically stop loving you six months ago. I fell in love with you a long time ago. It isn’t so easy for me to just fall out of love, and hearing what you said, I think it isn’t very easy for you, either.” He smiles at her. His hands find a little strand of hair that fell on her face, and he moves it back behind her ear. 

When he is done, his hand lingers on her face, his thumb caressing her cheek lightly. 

“I want to do things differently this time, if we want this time to be the time when it lasts.” Robert continues, and Andy nods, ready to hear whatever conditions he might have. “I think it is best if we keep the fact that we are trying to find our way back to each other to ourselves for the time being. I am not searching for anyone to blame, but I think that other people’s opinion had a lot to do with the falling out we have. So maybe this time, the only people whose opinion will matter are the ones of the two who are actually part of this relationship? Only until we feel whatever it is that we have will be strong enough to carry the weight of other’s thoughts without falling apart.” 

“I want to date this time.” Andy calls. “I want you to take me to dinners, and to movies, and whatever it is that normal people do while they get to know each other. You no longer work for the fire department, so us being together in public is not a problem anymore. I feel like almost every memory we ever made, good or bad or ugly, was between these four walls. Maybe if we have a change of scenery, we will have a change of luck, too.” 

“You have yourself a deal.” Robert agrees. “But I want something in return, too. If this is going to go well this time, I want us to have a real wedding. The white dress and the vows and the first dance. Your father got to be at your first wedding, maybe your mother will get to be in your second?” 

“You can be so romantic sometimes, it makes me sick.” Andy smiles into the warm hand still on her cheek. She turns and kisses his wrist softly. “One last thing.” She requests. They have moved closer to each other, now that the air between them is cleared and there is new hope where nothing else but pain and sorrow were just a month ago. “I want you to let me in. Truly. And I promise I will try to do the same for you, even though I still have to learn how. No more secrets, no more lies, no more self doubt.” 

Robert moves closer to her now, closing the final little gap. He rests his forehead against hers, and she instinctively closes her eyes and breathes him in, the scent of his body wash filling her nose. His hand studies on her face as he repeats “No more secrets, no more lies, no more self doubt.” 

“Andy?” She hears him calling her name softly. 

“Mmm?” She hums back, refusing to open her eyes, refusing to let the moment end. 

“I am going to kiss you now.” He gives her a warning, and she nods eagerly, waiting for him to be the first to move. 

She is sitting there for a while, her forehead pressed against his, her breaths mix with his, her belly filled with anticipation. 

All she sees is darkness when he kisses her for the first time in what feels like forever, her eyes shut tight, her lips open slightly to let his tongue slide in. He tastes like chocolate and smells like winter, and when he lifts her up so she can sit on top of him, straddling him with her legs, she releases a surprised giggle. 

She missed him. 

His mouth moves from her lips to her jawline, and then starts to travel down her neck. He bites and kisses every spot that he can find, as Andy wraps her arms around his neck, pulling him closer to her. 

“I don’t… I don’t make it a habit to sleep with men before they even take me on our first date.” She breathes as she feels him sucking hard on a particular spot on her neck, but at the same time she rolls her hips forward, contradicting completely her statement as she makes her intentions clear. 

“Andy?” He whispers her name as he is desperately trying to catch his breath, as if he is trying to reassure himself she is the woman who is sitting in his lap, and not some random stranger he picked up at a bar. 

She opens her eyes and tilts her head in his direction. Maybe she misinterpreted the situation. Maybe he wants to take it slow this time around, doesn’t want to progress anywhere past heated make out sessions for the time being. 

He just leans forward and catches her lips with his again. Her eyes close and her thighs keep thrusting forward, over and over again. They kiss like two horny teenagers for a couple long minutes, and she can feel him harden with every rock of her hips forward. He stops her again when he places a hand on each of her legs, pinning her down to place.

“Robert, if you don’t want us to progress so quickly, I understand it.” She tries to be considerate, even though he can read the disappointment off of her face. She is wet and ready for someone else to pleasure her, something other than her two hands and the vibrator Maya bought her as a Christmas present a few years back. 

“Oh, believe me it isn't the issue.” He manages to breath out as he is trying to inhale as much air as possible back into his lungs. “But if you won’t stop dry humping me soon, I might come in my pants, and this will kill the mood for the both of us.” 

“Sorry.” Andy mumbles, and suddenly she feels like an inexperienced teenager all over again, learning the secrets of the male anatomy for the first time in her life. “Let me help you with that, then.” She suggests. She stands in front of him, her knees suddenly throbbing, protesting the position they were in for quite a while. He stands up as well, the back of his calves pressed against the sofa, as she slides her hand through his pants and into his boxers. 

Andy gives him one long, slow stroke, starting at the base and making her way all the way to the tip, in a manner that makes him moan in pleasure and throw his head back before she takes him in her hand and guides him out of the pants. She lowers the only two clothing items on his body down to the ground. Robert completes the task at hand, and kicks his pants off of his calves, pushing them aside with his foot, until he is completely naked in front of her. Her hands are still on the inside part of his thighs, her fingers moving up and down slowly. 

“Andy.” He whispers her name when he thinks she is going to take him in her hand and relieve some of the pressure. 

“Yeah?” She asks innocently as she moves her hands back down, making sure he knows that even though they haven’t been engaging in any of this particular activity for the past six months, their game of control they have is still a part of their foreplay. 

“Take down your underwear, leave the hoodie on.” He orders. 

Andy does as he bids, her hands disappearing inside the big sweatshirt she wears. She takes her time, feels the way his look is burning her skin with want and desire, until the garment finally reaches her ankles and she can kick it in the direction where his clothes already pile. 

She pushes him back down to the sofa, straddling him once again, placing each of her knees to either side of his hips. Her finger trails the outline of one of his abs, until she takes him in her hand and tries to find the right angle to sink down to him. 

“What exactly do you think you are doing?” He reprimands as he catches the wrist of the hand touching him and pulls it away. 

“Well, I didn’t think you told me to get my underwear off so we can play a heated game of Monopoly.” Andy sighs. When she tries to sink down to him again, he places two hands on her hips, holding her from moving any further, his short fingernails digging into her flesh. 

“I think you know better by now.” He scolds. His hands guide her to the position he wants her in, standing on her knees in front of him. “Now, don’t move until I say you can’t.” Robert inserts one of his hands into the long hoodie she wears, his fingers start to move down from her bellybutton, to her navel, until he almost reaches just the right spot. His thumb gives her clit one long, slow stroke, which makes her hips move forward on an instinct, just to find them grinding against nothing but air. 

He does it again, in a pace that will keep her wet, but will never make her come on its own. He pinches the bundle of nerves between her forefinger and his thumb, hard enough to make her hiss. “Please.” She begs, her eyes shut close, every muscle in her core tight. “I need more.”

She needs him to pick up the pace, make the move of his thumb steady and consistent. She needs his fingers, or his mouth, or him to be inside of her. She needs everything to release the pressure she feels in her lower body. Yet she is now experienced enough, not as naïve as she was the first time he gained control over her body. When she sees him like that, his eyes dark with lust, his expression dead serious, his chest falling and rising in a set rhythm, she can beg and scream and fight all she wants. She won’t have her release until he decides it is the right time. 

“I just need to ask you a few questions before I let you come.” Robert lets her know. He moves his thumb in a circular motion again, which makes her throw her head back and bite on her lower lip hard enough for her to draw blood. 

The rhythm in which he moves his finger or pinches her most sensitive spot is calculated perfectly. A stroke, then a long pause, then a stroke again. He uses a pattern she can’t memorize, so every time he touches her, she moans again, taken by complete surprise. 

Enough for pain and pleasure to build slowly in her stomach, but not enough to make her finally come with a groan and his name on her lips. 

“Did you sleep with anyone else when we were apart?” He asks. She can’t find her words when he pinches again, harder this time, so she just shakes her head to say that no, she hasn’t. 

If her mind wasn’t completely vague from want and desire, she might have wondered what he might have done if the answer to his question was positive. 

A part of her wants to find out. 

“Good.” He approves and removes the hand still on her thigh and slides one finger into her. She doesn’t move, stays completely still as she thinks he might finally, finally, help her fall over the edge. 

“Wet.” He whispers into her ear when he finally feels her. “Warm.” Andy nods and bits down harder on the lip she holds between her upper teeth, waiting for him to proceed. “Did you touch yourself during those months? Did you use that vibrator you think I don’t know about?” He asks again, rubbing her clit and thrusting his long finger in simultaneously. 

Andy nods eagerly. She doesn’t know how he figured out about the vibrator, she made sure to keep it hidden away, since when they were together, it obviously had no use. She doesn’t know how he knows, but right now, she couldn’t care less. 

Robert pushes a second finger into her, making Andy lower her head and moan quietly into his ear. “Where?” 

“In my bunk at the station.” Andy gives him the answer she knows he would like to hear, and the one that is also true. “When the nights were long and quiet, I used to lock the door and tried to keep it down as much as I could.” She breaths. 

Robert pushes a third finger into her, still moving them inside her. He knows that she is close, can feel her tightening around him. “Last question. Who did you think about? Touching you, pleasuring you?” 

Every muscle in her body burns when she screams the word “You”.  
After he finally got what he wanted, he decides that he has made her wait long enough. His fingers move faster and deeper inside her folds now, his thumb rubbing against her clit, knowing that the stimulation will make her release come in no time. 

He watches her when she comes, her head thrown back, her hair spreading down her shoulder, a drop of sweat sliding down her face. She moves her hips frantically into his hands as she calls his name over and over again, the pleasure washes her body. 

He knows she is done when she finally stills completely, the only sound in the air is her panting breaths, desperately trying to even out and go back to normal. 

“I don’t know if I should thank you for the mind-blowing orgasm or I should be mad at you for making me wait for it so long.” She whispers as he pulls his fingers out of her. 

“Definitely thank me.” He decides. 

Andy wraps her arms around his neck and lowers her head down to place a kiss to his lips. “Thank you.” She whispers. 

“Are you still on the pill?” He inquires, his breath heavy. She got her release, but she can’t say the same thing about him, and when she looks down between them, she can see he is more than ready. 

“Yeah.” Andy confirms. 

“Great.” He smiles, satisfied. “Because I would hate to have something between us that will ruin the feeling of you tight around me.” He guides her hips down slowly, inch by inch, until he is completely buried inside her. 

It has been a while, and it feels slightly like the first time all over again. Not uncomfortable by any means, but she does need a minute to adjust to his size and his length inside her walls. 

Robert moans in pleasure when Andy hooks her ankles behind his back and starts to move slowly on top of him. “You have no idea how long I have been waiting to feel you again.” 

“I guess I wasn’t the only one touching herself, then.” She laughs, thrusting her hips forward again, picking up the pace. 

“Trust me, you weren’t the only one.” Robert laughs and pulls her in for a kiss. Their kiss is sloppy, filled with tongue, as one of his hands reaches between them, his finger finds her clit again, going over it in circles again and again, so she will be able to come one more time. She moves on top of him faster, harder, and it doesn’t take long for her to hit her climax, moaning his name into his mouth. 

Few deep thrusts later, and he finds his release as well. 

“Andy?” He calls her name once the high is settled. 

“Mmm?” She hums, her eyes still closed shut tightly, her arms still around his neck. 

“You need to climb off.” He coaxes softly. 

“Do we have to move?” She tries to prolong the moment. His hands find a stray piece of hair and twirls it around a finger. 

“Babe” She breathes in sharply as he uses this nickname he has for her, one he hasn’t spoken since the day she left him in the hospital, alone and wounded. “I am not going to order you to leave after I got what I wanted. You are more than welcome to spend the night, and if you want to go again, I can come up with a few more creative ways to make you call out my name.” 

“I will hold you accountable to that promise.” Andy finally moves off of him, but as she feels every sore muscle in her body, from her thighs to her butt and up to her abs, she knows she probably won’t be able to handle another round. 

Well, not until the morning, anyway. 

He lifts himself off of the couch as Andy just sits back and relax, completely immersed in the afterglow. She bites her lips as she watches him walking away, his backside completely naked, every muscle as well defined as she remembered it to be. 

A part of her finds it hard to believe that this handsome man is hers again. 

He comes back with a blanket in one hand, and the old polaroid camera in another. “Thought we should make some new memories, now that the old one is completely ruined.” He explains before she even has a chance to ask. Robert wraps her body with the blanket, then hands her the old camera. 

They find the position they were in the older photograph in no time, she with a huge smile on her face, he placing a kiss on her cheek. 

Yet she moves as she presses the button at the top of the old device, sneezes, can’t keep it inside. When the photo comes out, her form is completely blurry, and they both laugh. 

“Bless you.” Robert raises a brow.

“Sorry.” Andy shrugs. 

Robert takes the camera and the picture out of her hands and places them on the coffee table. He stands up, then takes her in his arms, carrying her up the stairs.

Andy thinks that he does it now because he can, his pain syndrome finally not being an issue anymore, so she doesn’t resist, doesn’t scream at him to lower her down, that she can make her own way up the stairs, thank you very much. 

“Come on, typhoid Mary.” He laughs with her still in his arms. “Let’s get you to bed.”


	8. Like Real People Do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Thank you for coming back! This is my version of the events that happened right before 3X09, that resulted in the two wine glasses on Robert's bedside table. This is M rated for smut. In this story, a few shifts have passed between 3X08 and 3X09. Also I have never been to Seattle so I took some libraries with this one, and I might have gone a little bit too far with the smut as well. Hope you enjoy it and leave me your thoughts!

"Honey just put your sweet lips on my lips  
We should just kiss like real people do"

Like Real People Do by Hozier 

*************

They sit on the floor of his dim lit office.

It is a habit they picked up in the last few shifts, as they have been secretly together, seeing each other under the noses of the entire team.

The urge to touch each other, to feel each other during the long hours they are on duty is unbearable. They are attracted to each other, drawn to one another by an invisible force neither of them can name, but its presence is felt deeply by both of them. Yet during the hours of the day the only thing they can do is send each other stolen glances and knowing smiles when they are sure no one is looking. They can't risk doing anything that will reveal the relationship between them, and probably will put an end to it before it even had a real chance to begin.

The wait to be alone is excruciating, the hours and the minutes barely moving as the both of them wait eagerly for the moment they will finally be able to meet at the entrance to his house. When they will be able to kiss and to touch, to peel off the clothes from one another and strip the masks away as well.

She wandered into his office late at night the first shift after she told him he is the safest place she has. The first shift after they have made love to one another for the first time, learning the secrets of each other's bodies. It was late, and the entire A shift called it a night after another long call. Andy knew she needed the sleep, but couldn't bring herself to close the door to her bunk and lay her head on the pillow before she checked if he was still at the station. Before she had a chance to wish him good night, knowing that he is going to sleep in his bed without her to keep the other side of it warm.

To her surprise, she found him there, his head buried in a pile of papers, his upper teeth chewing on his bottom lip.

She comes by his office just to say good night every shift since.

She comes to say good night, then she stays to keep him company for much longer.

They always remember they are in their workplace, never letting their hands wander, never letting any pieces of clothing off. She just makes her way to the room that was previously used as a conference room, and there she stays. They talk in hushed voices, open up to each other, learning to know one another, in a way the privacy of his home won't let them. Because as soon as they arrive at his door, their lips find each other, their hungry bodies meet, and they engage in an activity of a different nature, one that doesn't leave much room to anything but eager moans and silent cries. As they sit in his office, they keep a safe distance from one another, so it looks like a conversation between two friends, rather than one between two lovers, to anyone who isn't in on their little secret.

"Robert." She whispers his name. Neither of them have been talking for a long while, the both of them just enjoying the comfortable silence and the company of the other. But her eyelids are getting heavy and her mind is getting foggy, and she knows that if she wants to get some rest before another call comes in, she needs to tiptoe her way back to her bunk sooner rather than later.

"Mmm.." His eyes are still closed, and she isn't sure if he as well was drifting off to sleep, or if he just surrendered himself to the sound of silence before she broke it harshly.

She moves a bit closer to him, presses her knees against his, and starts to draw patterns on his palm with her finger. It is a bit closer than they usually let themselves get when they are in the station, but Andy is almost certain that no one is going to walk in his office in the wee hours of the night. She is pretty sure that no one but her even knows he stays in this late, way past his mandatory work hours.

"Can..." Andy starts, but then she shakes her head, trying to dismiss the notion.

"What is it? He whispers, opening his eyes and looking deep into hers.

"Nothing, forget I said anything." She tries to let the subject go, but he is reluctant to give up.

"Andy, talk to me." He tries to coax.

"I was about to ask if we can go on a date. A real date, like real people do. You know, the place where a single man and a single woman go before they sleep with each other, before they throw love declarations into the air."

Before they break each other's hearts over and over again, she thinks to herself, but doesn't add a word.

The pain and the heartbreak are a part of their past, and there is no use in bringing them up now, as they finally managed to put the heartache behind them and form something good, something great, though new, between the two of them.

"But it is a stupid idea. We obviously can't be seen together outside of work." She shakes her head.

He is silent for a long moment, and Andy really thinks that he has let the subject go. The closest thing to a date they can have is the one they will be able to improvise in his house, and she can get on board with a takeout from their favorite Italian place and snuggling on the couch in front of a movie.

"Actually, I think I might have the perfect place." He surprises her. "How does tomorrow night sound? Before our next shift?" He suggests. "I will take care of the reservations, you will just have to dress up. There is no way I will take you on our very first date to a place I don't think is nice enough."

"And how will you manage to get a reservation so quickly?" She raises an eyebrow, but she already has a smile on her face.

"I have my ways." When she gives him a glare full of disbelief, he adds. "Don't look so surprised."

"Then, should I stay tonight back at my own apartment? You know, I don't make it a habit to spend the night at a man's bed before he even took me to our very first date." She grins.

"And after the first date?" Sullivan asks, lacing his fingers with hers. It is a risky move, a gesture of affection between two people who are obviously more than just friends, but she does nothing to pull away.

"That depends on how well it will go." Andy places a finger on her lips, as if she is contemplating the idea of going home with him. As if she didn't already spend several nights of her life in his house, in his bed, with him inside her.

"Well, I plan to make it an evening to remember."

"Good night." Andy places a quick peck on his cheek, and then makes her way to the door.

"Wait, does that really mean you won't be coming over after your shift is done?" He asks, alarmed. His whole expression changes by the idea that he won't be able to have her first thing after their shift is over, and he looks genuinely upset by the notion.

The only answer she gives him is a low chuckle, and the sound of the door closing behind her softly.

***************

"You look... Wow." Jack gives Andy a once over, admiring her appearance. She feels uncomfortable under his stare, yet she says nothing about it.

"Thank you." She replies to the compliment, hoping and praying that it will put an end to the awkward conversation, and that Jack won't ask anymore questions.

Questions she can't possibly give an honest answer to.

This is exactly the thing she was afraid would happen, and now it comes true. He wasn't home when she arrived from the few locations she had to visit before her date. She got her nails done in a black color that matches the dress she is wearing. A perfect manicure is a luxury, one she can't keep in her line of work long enough for it to be worth the cost or the time she spends at the salon. But she went the extra step today. It is the little things that will make her entire outfit come together, after all. She made a stop at a certain store at the shopping center closest to their house as well, to pick up something for herself, but she is sure he will enjoy the items she bought immensely as well.

She showered and got dressed, curled her hair and did her makeup in a manner that is natural, yet compliments her face perfectly. Probably during the entire chaos she has been in, spinning around her bedroom like a tornado, running from her bathroom to her closet to her vanity, Jack came home, and she couldn't hear him over the music she had playing or the offensive noise of the hair dryer.

"Hot date tonight?" He asks, and maybe she is completely imagining it, but she thinks she can hear a trace of jealousy in his voice as he speaks.

The thought of lying goes through Andy's mind. She can blow it off, saying she is going on a girls night out. But she hasn't been in touch with Maya for a long time now, resenting her for the choices she made, and Vic isn't very good at keeping secrets. Other than the two of them, Andy doesn't really have any other friends who also happen to be women.

Other than her co-workers, she doesn't have any friends at all.

"Something like that." Andy settles.

"And who is the lucky guy?" Jack inquires, relentless, and Andy desperately prays he will quit the game of twenty one questions he suddenly seems eager to play, and let her leave, because she is already five minutes late, and Robert is probably waiting for her.

"Someone I am not ready to talk about yet." Andy comes up with the best answer she can think of in the spur of the moment. She places the lipstick she has on in her black clutch, which already contains her phone, her keys and her wallet, even though she is certain there is no way in this world Robert is going to let her pay for their meal. She hangs the bag over her shoulder and gives Jack a quick kiss on the cheek before she heads out of the house.

He waits for her at the corner of the street, just like they agreed on. Andy knows it is a longshot, and probably wouldn't have happened, but she was afraid Jack would pass by and recognize the car waiting in their driveway.

Better be safe than sorry, she thinks to herself.

Andy wonders how much time they would have to keep hiding, keep lying to everyone in their lives, to everyone she cares about.

She wonders what toll a secret like that has on a relationship, what is the price the two of them would have to pay for all the sneaking and deceiving they are doing.

She hopes she will never have to find out.

As she walks down the street, her high heels making tapping noises on the pavement, she thanks God for the fact that she already has a change of clothes and underwear in his house, and a toothbrush of her own standing next to his sink. Carrying an overnight bag would raise a set of long questions from Jack, and she doesn't even want to imagine what would have happened if she tried to walk of shame in this little black dress to their house come morning, or worse, to the station.

She smiles widely as she sees his car. She slides in, but as she is about to place a heated kiss on his lips, he turns, and places a soft peck on her cheek instead.

"What was that?" Andy asks.

"Well, I plan to be a perfect gentleman this date." He lets her know his plans, much to Andy's disappointment.

"So does it mean you will drop me off at my own house later, seal the date with a goodnight kiss, and then call me again tomorrow morning?" She laughs.

"Don't push it, Andy. You and I both know how this night is going to end."

The exact thought about how this night is about to end is the reason she feels warmth in the lower part of her abdomen, aching with anticipation.

Maybe dinner wasn't the best idea she had ever had. Maybe they should have skipped straight to dessert.

The sun is still up in the sky as he is driving across town, its rays filtering through the shield, blinding her. "You know, when you said a dinner date, I thought it might be a little bit later. It feels weird going around the city in a cocktail dress when it isn't even dark outside." Andy tries her luck. Maybe, with a little bit of her wit and her charm, he will give the location they are headed to.

"Andy" He whispers her name as they come to a stop in a red traffic light. The streets and roads are busy at this time of day, people returning to their homes after a long day at work, tourists going out and crowd the sidewalks in this area of the city, having a meal or hopping from shop to shop. "Can you just sit back, relax, and enjoy the surprise?" He asks.

"I hate surprises." She huffs, but says nothing more about it.

He parks his car and opens the door for her to exit, taking her hand and helping her up on her feet.

"You look..." Robert swallows the sight of her with his eyes. "You are beautiful."

"Well, thank you." She shrugs. She won't let him know that this little black dress she wears is about the only sophisticated item of clothing in her closet, which holds mainly simple sweaters and piles upon piles of crew shirts. It isn't like she goes on a date in an upscale restaurant on a regular basis, but she makes a mental note to buy a few more elegant pieces of clothing, so she will own something else other than this dress, just in case he will have another fancy date idea in his mind anytime soon. "You clean up quite well yourself, too."

It is an understatement, to say the least. He wears a black jacket and black tailored pants, but dressed it down a bit with a white buttoned down shirt underneath, which has the first few buttons popped open. He is devilishly handsome, and Andy is oh so tempted to tell him to cancel the reservation he made, and just take her to his bed.

She keeps the idea in as it comes though, knowing that his plans to be a perfect gentleman don't include eating her out instead of eating their dinner.

"Come on, Andy. You don't want to miss it." He coaxes, takes her hand in his and starts walking.

"Don't want to miss what?" She asks, but he is still reluctant to give her an answer to his plans.

When they enter the Space Needle and make their way through the line of tourists waiting patiently for an elevator to take them to the observation deck, she understands.

"You know, I think you are pretty smart. This place is packed full with tourists. No locals will voluntarily spend their evening here." She compliments, finally understanding his plans. "Which means the chances we will come face to face with someone that might recognize us are pretty much slim to none existing at all."

"Have you ever been here?" He inquires as the elevator takes them up higher, towards the upper floor.

They hold their hands together during the entire ride, neither of them wanting to let go, both of them enjoying the simple contact.

"I think Ryan and I came here on a school trip one year. Or my dad brought us over, I can't really remember."

As they step out and into the restaurant, Andy can see the entire view of the city spread across the big windows, going all the way from the ceiling to the floor. Someone shows them to their table, one placed exactly against one of the windows, giving her the opportunity to watch the landscape change as the big hall rotates slowly, with nothing abstracting the spectacle.

Robert orders a glass of white wine, only for her, since he is the one she trusts to bring them safely to his house tonight, as Andy keeps watching out of the restaurant. The sun began to descend while they made their way up, and as she watches, the entire city shines beneath her in shades of yellow, orange and red.

Andy has been born and raised in this city, has been living in this town every day since she can remember herself, and yet she never saw her own home like this before.

She can't sense it, not when her entire being is fascinated by the change of scenery outside, but he doesn't look at the view, not even once. His entire attention is dedicated to her, his eyes skimming over her appearance, starting from the way her eyes move frantically, so she will be able to catch as much as she possibly can in them, the way she bites her lower lip, the way her head tilts when she catches something she is really mesmerized by. His eyes slip down lower, to her breasts, to quite the amount of cleavage the dress she is wearing reveals, to the way it is tight around the curves of her waist, and he has to swallow hard and blink, just to realize that she is really his, that she is really the woman sitting on the other side of the table. That he had had her in his bed, and that he is going to have her over for many nights to come. That she is going nowhere. Not anymore.

"Thank you." Andy whispers as the night finally begins to take its place, and the sun disappears behind the horizon.

"I thought you might like it." Robert answers.

Andy takes her wine glass in her hand, and twists it by the leg as she thinks. "Cheers to finally having everything." She clicks her glass with his, even though he drinks nothing stronger than water, looking him deep in the eye as they sparkle, and she is sure hers shine too. She doesn't have everything, doesn't have her best friend by her side as she makes her first steps in this relationship, and she knows he would like to have his best friend around as well, if he had the chance. She doesn't have the promotion she wanted, the one she still believes she deserved, but tonight is not about the things that were taken away from them, but rather about the ones they gained.

She takes a long sip from her glass, the wine dry and burns a little as it makes its way down her throat. Not what she would have usually ordered herself, being a fan of the sweeter taste more than anything, but it will do the job, and she might let him know her preferences later. "Sorry I made you wait so long. Watching the sunset was just so beautiful."

"Not as beautiful as my company." He compliments.

"Stop flirting." Andy gives him a stern look, but also a warm smile, one saying she doesn't mind the flattery and the sweet words as much as she lets on. "You know I am already going to spend the night in your bed."

"I will stop with the smooth talking only if you choose what you want to eat already. I am starving."

They order their food, she goes with the salmon, he for the steak. They decide to skip the starters and have dessert later instead, the both of them having quite the sweet tooth, apparently.

This is the first new thing she discovers about him in the night that will be filled with new information about this man she is so in love with, but still won't say those three little words to.

As the waiter takes away their menus, their fingers find each other again, lacing together. They talk and they talk, the conversation easy and flowing. They deliberately avoid the topic of past romances and have been loves, even though Robert is aware of her relationship with Gibson, and Andy knows about the woman he loved deeply, but was taken away from him too soon.

Yet tonight is about them, tonight is about second chances and finally finding the right person, the one who makes you feel everything deeply, so they stay away from the subject that makes the both of them hurt, they don't scratch open scars that never healed properly.

Instead, she tells him about what it was like to grow up at the fire station. How it felt to be a seven years old and run around with a helmet, and how she has a different memory from every knock and cranny in the fire house she is now a part of. He can't stop laughing when she tells him about the time the entire team drenched her with water, unintentionally, of course, and about her sweet, sweet revenge as she emptied buckets on top of their heads, which turned into a full on war.

Her father was furious that day, loading them with extra chores for an entire week as punishment.

"You laugh now, but you would have been so angry if it happened while you were the captain. We would have probably gotten another month of extra chores instead of just a week."

"You wouldn't have dared to pull something like that when I was your captain." Robert shrugs, and continues laughing at the top of his lungs.

"True." Andy nods. His laugh is rare and contagious, so she lets her inhibitions go, lets herself join him, laughing as well at the memory of a moment that took place years ago.

He speaks about his time in the military, and she sits and listens in awe as he tells her tales of heroism and bravery from Afghanistan and Iraq. He tells her why he decided to join in the first place and how the experience changed him, made him a man rather than the frat boy he would have probably become if he decided to head off to college, like his entire group of friends from high school did. He avoids the stories about the brothers and the sisters he lost deliberately, feeling like it isn't the time or the place to share the causes of the nightmares he still has from time to time.

They have all the time in the world, and he will tell her, eventually, he is sure of that. But he doesn't want to darken the atmosphere, weighing down the air with stories about death and injuries. Not when she looks at him like that. Like he is her own personal hero.

He doesn't want to break the illusion. Doesn't want to tell her that he might be many things, but hero is not one of them.

Their food arrives as they talk, and they each manage to take a few bites as the other one keeps the conversation alive. Their dishes are already cold when they are just past half eaten, but neither of them puts any importance to it, and they keep eating until their plates are cleared and their bellies are full.

When they aren't talking, there is a pleasant silence wrapping them, one that neither of them feels the need to break, and they just look out the big window as the restaurant moves in a slow circle, unveiling the majestic look of the city, lit by a million lights, and their reflection that shines over the water.

Andy isn't sure how, but as she eats she finishes her first glass of wine, and another one appears in front of her instead, this time it tastes sweeter, much more to her liking.

When she declares she is full, her head is already buzzing lightly, and there is a nice warmth spreading across her stomach.

"We have to try the bread pudding." Robert insists on ordering a dessert. "The reviews on the internet say it is absolutely divine."

"Fine." Andy gives in, and he smiles at her triumphantly. "But only if we share one."

And so they do. Robert orders one bread pudding for the both of them to share, and a coffee for himself. Andy declines his offer for a hot beverage, doesn't want anything to take away from the comforting sensation of the wine still in her veins.

As Andy is the first to dig into the decadent dessert, she takes a spoonful and shoves it into her mouth. The warmth of the pudding combines perfectly with the coolness of the ice cream, and the sweetness fills her senses. She closes her eyes and savors the flavors, hums in satisfaction as she does so.

"What?" She asks him when she opens her eyes and realizes he is staring at her, never making a step to try the dessert he talked so highly about. "Do I have something in my teeth?"

Robert shakes his head. Andy decided to take a leap, and as she takes another bite, the hum she lets out resembles a quiet moan more than anything else. She closes her eyes as her tongue twirls around the spoon, in a manner that is supposed to send him back to the activities they engaged in just a few nights ago.

"You are playing with fire." He warns, giving her a glare, and Andy knows exactly what he is thinking about as he moves uncomfortably in his seat, trying to reposition himself.

"Well, I happen to fight fires for a living. I am not afraid of a little heat." She teases back. "Eat your dessert." She leans toward him over the table, placing her mouth next to his ear. "And then we can go home and eat the other kind of dessert."

That does the trick, and as she sits back in her chair, he takes his first bite from the dish they are sharing. "The people of the internet were right. It is really, really good." He nods his head.

They finish whatever is left on the plate silently, looking into each other's eyes, the both of them eager to move to the next step, to make their way to his house already, but they both remain composed, eating slowly, enjoying every bite.

As they ask for the check, Andy glances outside once again, the city completely dark at this moment. She scans the inside of the restaurant too, half of the tables that have been full when they arrived now stand completely empty.

She wonders how long they have been sitting here, indulging one in the company of the other, yet makes no move to check the time on the screen of her phone.

"Did you enjoy our first date?" Robert asks.

"Immensely." Andy smiles at him. "Which will make it very hard for you to outdo yourself as you take me on our second date."

"So does it mean it was good enough for you to agree to come back home with me?" He teases, even though he knows the answer already.

She makes an expression playfully, one that has her lips pouting, as if she is actually debating the idea, and she manages to get another one of those satisfying chuckles out of him.

"Don't you think about it." Robert calls before Andy even has a chance to offer to pay the bill on her own.

"You know, you already won me over. You don't have to do all these chivalrous gestures to get me to agree to go on a second date with you."

"I told you I am about to be nothing but a gentleman, and I am a man of my word." He hands over his card, and Andy knows he won't hear anymore of it.

The way back down feels long.

He takes her hand in his as soon as they rise from their table, and doesn't let her go. They decide to walk around the building for a while, enjoying the fresh, crisp night air, neither of them wanting the evening to end, trying to prolong the sensation as much as possible.

They both know what the night has in store for them, and even though the excitement and anticipation settle low in Andy's belly at the thought of what there is yet to come on this perfect first date, she can't deny the way she enjoys the little things, like the hand he places on the small of her back as they walk, or the way he leans in from time to time to place a soft kiss on the top of her head.

Besides, they have all the time in the world.

"Are you cold?" He asks, breaking the silence as he watches her shiver.

She nods, knowing that she can't lie, not to him. The weather changed while they were having their dinner, and even though she can't say it is wintery outside, the air is definitely chilly, now that the sun is no longer out to keep her warm. Robert takes off his jacket and wraps it around her shoulders, and she can't help but breathe in the scent she is learning to know, his perfume and his fabric softener and something else she can't really put her finger on, but is uniquely him, and it fills her senses until she is dizzy.

Or that might be the outcome of the two glasses of wine she had, she isn't sure.

"Come on, let's head back to the car before you freeze to death and before those heels start to hurt your feet."

The drive goes by excruciatingly slow, her skin itching with the need to touch him, every nerve ending in her body crying with the need to feel his hands on every exposed part of her body.

As they arrive at his doorstep he fumbles with the keys, his hands shaking, and Andy can't help but think that maybe he is in a desperate need of some skin to skin contact, just as she is. As the door finally gives in and opens with a squeak, she pushes him inside and slams the door behind him, shoving him against the cool wooden surface and holds onto his shirt for dear life.

She pulls him down to her, her lips finding his. She starts to kiss him eagerly, but pulls away as she understands that he doesn't cooperate, doesn't kiss her back, doesn't open his mouth for her so her tongue could slip right in.

"Is everything okay?" She asks, alarm starting to creep into her voice.

He releases himself from the way she has him pinned against the door, his hands finding her biceps and caresses them slowly, reassuringly. "I want to take it slow." He whispers.

"You and the way you like to take things slow." Andy rolls her eyes and steps away, turning her back to him.

She doesn't want slow. She doesn't want small kisses and fingers wandering around her body. Doesn't want him to torture her and make her squirm until he finally decides it is time to let her have her release. She wants it rough, wants him now. She wants his body slamming into hers, wants loud cries, wants to come with a scream of his name.

She can feel his hands wrapping around her middle, his chin finding a spot to rest on the curve of her shoulder, and she melts into his warmth, can't be mad at him, not when he gives her neck a soft kiss and whispers "If you cooperate, I will make the wait worth your while. I promise."

He takes her purse and his jacket off of her shoulders as she answers. "I will hold you accountable to that promise."

"Oh, I am counting on it."

Robert goes to the cabinet and picks up a bottle of wine. He unscrews the top and pours the dark, red liquid to two glasses, filling them around halfway to the top. She gives him a confused look as he hands her a glass, looking deep into her eyes, waiting for her to click it with his.

"I already had two glasses of wine." Andy states the obvious. "I am not sure it is a good idea for me to have a third."

"Well, I had none, and I would very much like to share a toast with the woman I date. And besides, do you have anywhere to be? It isn't like you don't know who you are going home with tonight. I think that having another glass is a great idea."

She looks up to him and bites her lower lip. He rolled the sleeves of his shirt up, so now the fabric presses tightly against his upper arms, revealing the well defined muscles he hides beneath his shirt. He popped open another button, so now she is able to get a glimpse of his well built chest.

Not that she hasn't seen any of them before, not that any of this is a first to her. She had her chance to explore much more of his body, with her eyes and her hands and her tongue, yet every time he undresses, every time another piece of skin is revealed to her eyes, it is like the first time all over again. It is new and existing, and she can't get enough of it.

She can't get enough of him, and she thinks she will never be sated.

"To second chances." He calls as she hears the soft sounds of the two glasses meeting.

"To the right person, at the right time." She replies with a toast of her own, and then the both of them take a sip.

She isn't the biggest fan of red wine either, the taste too deep and too dry to her liking, but she doesn't mind the one he poured her at all. It is smooth and warming, and it feels expensive, the complete opposite of the kind of wine she usually has.

"You mentioned you danced salsa when you were in high school, right?" He asks as he finishes his drink and places his glass on the kitchen isle, then takes hers away from her grip and places hers next to his, too.

"I did." Andy nods, not sure why the one detail she shared with him over dinner is the thing that caught his attention the most.

"And how much of it do you remember?" He inquires.

"Enough." She answers. She remembers most of it, being her greatest passion for years, other than firefighting. She hasn't told him that, hasn't told anyone, really, but she continued to go and dance years after her days as part of her high school's dance squad were over.

He offers her a hand, and as she takes it, he pulls her closer, holding her tight against his body. She gives him a confused look, even though she enjoys the newfound proximity, enjoys the way she can feel his body pressed against hers in all the right places. "Well, I have a surprise for you. I used to dance salsa too."

"How come you didn't tell me that detail while I was going on and on about it in the restaurant?" 

"Because, I have to keep some surprises up my sleeve." He answers, placing the hand not holding hers on the small of her back.

"I hate surprises." She breaths, as he dips her down, and her back arches. When he pulls her back up, her face is close to his, and her lips catch his in a quick kiss. He tastes like the wine they drank, and something a little bit sweeter. Andy closes her eyes, waiting for him to proceed, to deepen, to reach his tongue out to play, to fight with hers.

She hates surprises, yet she has one for him just the same.

They stare at each other's eyes for a moment, and then she makes her way up the stairs as fast as she possibly can still wearing those very impractical heels, as if she is trying to run away from him. He chases her quickly, and she laughs when she moves just past the entrance and he catches up to her.

They sway to the rhythm of a song that is not playing, dance to a beat of a melody only the two of them can hear. And though they haven't practiced it, they move in unison, the one matching their moves to the steps of the other.

She moves her hips sensually, her fingers going through her own hair, her waist and her thighs sending a clear message, one that he has only one way to interpret.

She wants him, wants him to touch her, wants him to skim his fingers and his hands all over.

They stop their impromptu dance from time to time to engage in some kissing, which turns into heated make out sessions as they grow bolder.

When he spins her again, this time a few turns at once, she loses her balance and falls down the bed. She is not sure if it is the alcohol still clouding her senses a bit, or the high heels she is not quite used to anymore, but she finds herself flat on her back nonetheless.

Robert seizes the opportunity he sees and climbs on top of her, placing his lips against her ear and whispers. "I am tempted to rip your underwear off of you and take you still wearing this dress."

And she knows the game is over.

"Please don't do it." She breaths, her voice filled with want and need as she feels his body pressed against hers. "It will ruin your gift."

"You have a gift for me?" He asks, confused. Andy nods her head eagerly, biting down on her lower lip. She moves from underneath him, standing back on her unsteady feet, leaning down so she will be able to unstrap the high heels and kick them away from her feet. His gaze follows her, his eyes dark, his pupils wide with lust, and he turns around so he will be able to get a better look of her, now sitting up on the edge of the bed, his hands supporting him.

"Keep the shoes on." He orders.

"Only if you let me have my way with you for a little while before you make good on that promise from earlier." He nods eagerly, and she straddles him, placing one knee on each side of his hips.

Andy unbuttons the remaining buttons of his shirt with skillful fingers, taking her time, doesn't want to ruin yet another one of his shirts.

She made enough mess in the past few times they have been together, left a significant number of his blouses in a desperate need of repair.

Andy pushes the fabric down his arms and off of his body, revealing his chest and his abs to her eyes, to her touch. She licks her lips suggestively, as she pushes him down with one hand, ordering him to lie down on his back.

She leans her weight on top of him, her lips finding his in another heated, sloppy kiss. Her mouth makes its way to his jaw, then down his neck and his collarbone.

She is debating her next move. She hasn't been with many men in her life, but she learned that they either love or hate what she is planning to do next. She hasn't tried it with him yet, isn't sure what his reaction to her little tease will be, since he never brought it up when they talked about what they like and what they don't, and she never asked. But the alcohol in her veins takes the better part of her, and she lowers her head and bites down on one of his nipples.

"Did you like it?" She raises her head and asks, even though the way he moans and thrusts his hips up towards her is answer enough.

He nods, his breath elaborated, his eyes shut close tightly, his mouth ajar.

So she does it again, a few times over, until she hears him mumble her name over and over again like a prayer. She moves her body down a bit, so she is pressed against his thighs. She fumbles with his belt, opens it and pulls it out of the loops of his pants as he rises himself up to a sitting position.

She rolls the leather against her palm, feeling the smooth texture of it against her skin, her thoughts drifting.

"Not today." He uses his stern, chief voice on her, the one that is conclusive, the one that doesn't leave any room for persuasion.

"Will you let me try it in the future?" She asks, tilting her head to one side and biting her lower lip at the thought of all the uses she can come up with to the items which he usually uses for his pants. "It won't hurt... Too bad."

"I might." He answers, and she knows to take what he offers and not push it any further. Andy throws the belt to the far corner where his shirt already lies, then lowers her hand to the seam of his pants, her hand going over the bulge, and he hisses.

"Now, your time is up." He lets her know. "My turn."

Robert pushes her off of him, back up to a standing position. He kicks his shoes off and undoes his pants, and in a moment he is left wearing nothing but his boxers. She turns around, waiting for his hands to unzip her dress, waiting to feel his fingers against every piece of exposed skin he will be able to find. Instead, she feels him pressed against her lower back, letting her now that he is hard and ready for her. Letting her sense the effect she has on his body.

He kisses the bare skin of the back of her neck, then his lips find her shoulder blade and his teeth bite down on it hard, but not hard enough to leave a mark.

He knows better by now, knows better than to leave bruises on her skin that will remain a testimony to their nightly activities. He knows better than leaving a mark that will make people question, even though Andy is well aware of the fact he has to hold himself back, has to gather every bit of self restraint he has not to leave a hickey on her neck or on her shoulder.

His fingers flatter lightly across the areas his mouth just devoured, his touch barely there, making her shiver, making goosebumps rise all over the skin of her arms.

Then he finds the zipper of her dress, and lowers it in an excruciating slow pace. It takes forever until she finally feels the black fabric pooling down at her feet, and she can feel him holding his breath in for a moment as he gives her backside a once over, admiring the view, his stare burning into her skin.

His fingers are on her back side again, traveling lower, exploring every new area that is now naked and revealed. He makes his way down her back, and this time Andy is the one who can't breathe, the one who feels like her lungs are on fire, like her body isn't getting enough oxygen. Her breaths are shallow as he grabs her ass, digging his fingernails deep into her flesh as he mumbles. "I think this is the best gift I have ever gotten."

"Wait until you see the front." She manages to tease, even though she isn't sure why or how they are still talking.

Paying a visit to Victoria's Secret is on the bottom of the list titled Andy's least favorite activities, but she wanted to surprise him, wanted to do something for him, since she knew he went a length to make their first date nothing but perfect. So she entered the store, and purchased the matching set of bra and thong she is currently wearing. They were quite the expanse, and are very much impractical, so the only place she can wear them is to bed with him. But even before she turns around to see the expression of his face she knows he loves the little treat she had for him, so she doesn't regret going the extra mile.

He promised her the waiting will be worth her while, but it seems like all she does is more waiting.

"Turn around, then." He orders, his voice raspy. She does as he bids, and there is a sly smile spreading across her face as she watches him glaring at the lace that leaves very little room for imagination. The bra is revealing, decorated by delicate flowers, matching the front of the thong. There are straps and strings everywhere, and a little black and white bow in the valley between her breasts, and on either side of her hips.

"Robert" She whispers his name, looking up to him, her eyes hooded. As he hums to the sound of his name, she continues. "Just be careful when you take them off, okay? I want to be able to wear them again."

"I am tempted to ask you to leave them on as I fuck you, but I don't see how this is going to work." Andy chuckles, and Robert pushes her down, until her legs hit the bedframe and she drops to her back again.

He kisses her, this time needier, deeper. His tongue slips into her mouth, his teeth biting on her lower lip. Andy's arms are wrapped around his neck, and his hands find her nipples underneath the lace, giving them a tug between his fingers. The sensation is rough, and it sends a jolt of pleasure down her body, one that makes her whimper into the kiss.

"Take it off." She pleads. Robert nods, one hand comes to her back, lifting her up a little, so he will be able to reach the other behind her back and unhook the garment with his skillful fingers.

For a man who claims to have had very few sexual encounters over the course of the last fifteen years, only enough to satisfy his needs, he knows exactly what to do.

He watches her again after he throws the bra into the little mountain of clothing forming next to the door, looking at her like it is the first time he had a chance to see her almost completely naked. His stare makes her nipple two hard peaks, makes her feel her thong becoming wet and slippery between her thighs, and she hates the fact that he has that kind of influence on her body, without even needing to touch her. She hates the way she is putty in his hands, but she also loves it at the very same time.

"I don't know if I like it better with the bra on, or off."

"Robert?" She calls his name.

"Mmm?" He hums, and Andy laughs a little, because it is crystal clear that he doesn't look her in the eye, but rather quite fascinated by the way her chest rises and falls with every needy breath she takes.

"Stop talking." She orders, and he is happy to obey. His mouth catches one of her nipples as his fingers take the other, and he bites down and pinches at the same time, hard. The feeling, pleasure mixed with just the right amount of pain is perfect, just what she needed, just what she wanted, and as he hears her letting out a small cry of "Yes", he keeps going, to her encouraging moans and cries. He only manages to do it a few times over before she moves uncomfortably under him, trying to find something to rub against, trying to find anything that will alleviate the pain she feels between her legs.

"You need some of my attention down there, don't you?" He asks, pleased, and she nods. If she could, if she wasn't so worked up as she is right now, she would have punched him playfully, would have erased that smug smirk off of his face.

He lets go completely, and she whimpers at the loss of all contact, at the way she feels nothing but air against her breasts. Then his hand moves down, lower, and Andy can't breath as she waits for him to touch her.

He plays with the threads of the thongs, touching the underwear, moving his fingers around her outer lips, but never pushing in, never brushing against her clit to provide her some kind of relief.

After he gives her the orgasm she needs, she is going to kill him.

"Soaking wet." He whispers, knowing so just by the touch of her thong.

"Stop giving yourself compliments." She manages to hiss.

He takes the thong down her legs carefully, slowly, and Andy regrets asking him to do just so. He throws it away, and then she is naked, finally. The only thing she still has on are her shoes, but it isn't like they are the thing denying him access to where she is already pulsing. She feels everything. She is burning from the inside out, her entire body on fire.

And just when she thinks he is finally, finally going to make a move in the right direction, he climbs up her body.

"I hate you." She mutters as he kisses her neck, placing soft, wet pecks all the way down.

"Herrera" He pins her head above her head. "I had just enough of the insubordination." He says, sending her back to a night when they have already been in love with each other, but have been anything but lovers at the same time.

"Yes, Chief Sullivan." She answers. It does something to him, that alias, changes something in him.

She asked him about it when they had that conversation the night she knocked on his door, begging him to kiss her. They have made love that night, in a simple way. It was a night of wandering hands and heated kisses, and in the afterglow, they asked each other questions. Not enough to reveal everything, not enough to take away from the fun and excitement all the firsts have in store for them, but enough to set boundaries, enough to avoid doing things the other completely dislikes.

She asked him about using his official title in bed. He refused to answer that one, so she tried it, referred to him as chief or sir whenever he had her pinned under him, whenever he had control, and she was his subordinate.

And it makes something shift in him every single time, makes him release a low groan, makes him get rougher around her, hungrier.

Tonight is no different.

His mouth finds her again, biting hard, and she thinks she can taste a bit of blood coming from her lips. His tongue draws patterns, starting from her jaw, down her neck, to the valley between her breasts. He deliberately avoids touching any of them, even though she knows the feel of them in his hands, in his mouth, is as satisfactory for him as it is for her. He goes down further down, kissing her abs, dipping his tongue in her belly button. He is almost there, almost where she needs him, his head already disappearing between her thighs. She manages to grab on his shoulders, manages to dig her fingernails into his back, encouraging him to proceed, opening her legs further apart from each other to allow him easier access.

She cries when he gives her one long lick, his tongue barely brushing her bundle of nerves, and then he lets go.

"You are going to pay for this." She threatens.

"We will see about that."

He undoes the straps of her shoes, letting them fall down to the floor and shoves them away. He kisses a pathway up her left leg, moving up slowly from her ankle to the inner side of her knee, and up her thigh.

"Andy, tell me what you want." He asks.

Dirty talking, that is another thing he seems a fan of when they are in bed.

"Fuck you." She answers.

"Oh, I know you plan to. Now tell me what you need, or else I am going to do the exact same thing on your other leg." He threatens, and she knows he can, knows he will.

"I need your lips on my clit." Andy begs, her chest raising and falling in a frantic rhythm.

"Don't hold back. There is no one here to hear you." Andy nods, and then she feels him exactly where she needed him.

Apparently, she is not the only one who recalls details from that night, from the night she told him she would like him to go down on her in every chance he has.

There is a surge of acute pleasure going through her body when he bits down, and she lets out a loud moan, doing exactly as he asked. There is tension starting to build in her lower belly immediately, one that grows with every suck and lick. He adds two fingers in, pumping, moving inside of her, and her head is spinning, her fists gripping the bed sheet hard enough for her knuckles to turn white.

"I am really, really close." She breaths, but then she is afraid, scared that he is going to stop just as she is about to fall over the edge. Terrified that he is going to use that information to taunt her further.

He doesn't stop, but rather adds a third finger inside of her, his hands move faster, deeper, his lips sucking harder.

She comes with a loud scream of his name as the pleasure washes over her. He doesn't still, just slows down the pace a bit, trying to get her to ride her climax for as long as possible.

Andy can't open her eyes. She tries to speak, but her throat is dry, and she isn't able to breath in deep enough to make words form on her tongue.

"You know, you can take your hand out of me." She tells him, half jokingly half seriously, as his fingers stop their motion inside of her, but he keeps them there nonetheless.

He responds with a kiss, and she can taste herself on his lips. "I want to work you up a little further, so you will be ready for me."

"I am ready." She tries to pull him on top of her, but he stays.

"Tell me when you need something more ." He asks. She takes a deep breath, readying herself to the sensation, and then nods lightly, giving him the all clear.

Everything seems heightened after she came the first time. His hands move slowly at first, like he usually does. At the beginning it is nothing but a slow rotation of his thumb against her clit, making her feel again, making her toes curl with low pleasure. He adds his fingers back slowly, one by one, and there is a buzzing sensation in the back of her head. It is slow and lingering, and it is not enough to make her fall over the edge again.

"I want to come with you inside me." She breaths. "Please." He takes his fingers out, and they make their way up the bed.

"You on top?" He asks, even though he knows the answer already.

She is always on top, and he doesn't mind it even one bit.

"Actually, can we try something new today?" She suggests. "Maybe from behind?"

"Lie down on your side." He orders, and she does just that. She feels it again, the giant block of anticipation that seems to be pressing down on her belly. Andy can hear the noise of his bedside drawer opening, then closing, and feels him positioning himself right behind her, his boxers gone somewhere in the process.

"What are you doing?" She asks, snitching the condom away from his grasp and throwing it away. "We don't need them anymore."

"Force of a habit." Robert apologizes.

They took care of that matter just before the last shift they had.

They snack into Grey Sloan with their uniforms, and being first responders, they got to cut the line. They had their blood work done, and not long after, while Andy was doing her chores, rubbing the same spot on the ladder over and over again nervously, she got the phone call telling her that she is clean.

When he looked at her from the catwalk, smiling and nodding his head just slightly, she knew he got the same results too, and they could finally ditch the condoms and just stick to the pill.

She can feel him hard behind her, just waiting for her sign to proceed, and when she nods and closes her eyes, her body surrendering to the sensation, he pushes himself into her, inch by inch. 

"How does it feel?" He asks, always making sure she is comfortable, that she enjoys herself just as much as he does.

"Good." She swallows. "Great."

She doesn't have to ask him the same question, the low, deep groan he releases into her ear as he starts to move inside her giving her all the answer she needs. He bites down hard on her shoulder as he moves inside of her, and she reaches her own hand forward, rubbing her clit, helping herself get to the finish line once again.

"You, touching yourself." He mutters.

"You like to watch?" She asks, and she isn't sure how she is still talking, isn't sure how she is still breathing as she is so, so close to coming again. She can't look at him, can't bring herself to twist her neck just so as she can feel him moving deep in and out of her, constantly rising the pace, but she can feel him nodding to say that yes, he would like that.

She makes the mental note right as her walls tighten around him, and she comes with a soft cry.

He is still moving inside her as she comes down from her high, but it doesn't take him much longer until he empties himself inside her.

And then there is just the heavy sound of their breaths, and the way his fingers remove a lock of hair covered with her own sweat from her face, and tuck it behind her ear.

"That was..." He places the last kiss to her sticky shoulder, and then pulls himself out.

"Yeah." Andy agrees.

"I am going to get something. Stay right here." He kisses her on the lips this time, and then disappears, out of the room and down the stairs.

Andy uses the time to pop into the shower, her legs still jiggly, her mind still spinning. She uses his body wash to scrub away as much of the sweat and grime as she possibly can, being careful not to wet her makeup. She will take care of that later.

When she steps out of the shower, a towel wrapped around her, he is still not there. She gets dressed, throwing on one of the few pieces of underwear she keeps in his drawer, and one of his crew shirts, then crawls back to his bed.

"You got dressed." Robert gives her a pout. He holds the two glasses of wine they left empty on the counter earlier that night, before they got so occupied with each other, now back to being half full.

"More wine?" She asks , yet takes away the glass he offers gratefully.

He doesn't answer her question, just looks deep into her eyes as he raises his glass. "To dating." He proposes.

"Like real people do."


	9. Him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Thank you so much for reading and reviewing.   
> This one is rated T, and it take place just between 3X03 and 3X04. This was something I really needed to happen on the show but didn't, so I filled in the blanks.   
> Hope you enjoy and leave me your thoughts!

She hates him. 

She hates him, and she loves him, and she is furious with him, and she is drawn to him. 

She wants to slap him, wants to see him bleed, but at the same time she wants him to comfort her, wants to listen to him as he whispers words of reassurance in her ear. 

It is two in the morning on another day when her best friend is no longer in this world, and Andy can’t sleep. 

If she is honest with herself, she hasn’t been able to sleep since the day she held Ryan in her arms, begging him to stay with her, to keep fighting for his life. 

Because every time she closes her eyes, she can hear the gun fire, and Milo crying, and Ryan’s elaborated last breaths, and the monitor's sharp beep, letting them know that his heart is no longer pulsing. 

It is two in the morning on her first overnight shift since the last time she talked with her childhood friend, and she already had a workout session at the gym, got the keys and sneaked in there, even though she knows it is not allowed, and she might get in trouble. 

Not that she cares. She doesn’t care about anything anymore, and her new captain’s way of punishing her for disobeying the rules is at the very bottom of the list of things she doesn't care about. 

At the gym, she punched the bag hard, over and over again, until the skin of her knuckles became red and itchy inside the gloves. 

She already had a shower, the water turning ice cold about half way through, but she couldn’t bring herself to move, her limbs feeling like stones that were attached to her body, and she had no control over them. Her hair was lathered in shampoo as she just stood there, the water running over her head, and she thought of nothing, staring into the wall. 

And that is how she finds herself creeping on the catwalk, silent like a thief in the night, lurking outside his office. 

And it is him again. The man who she feels something towards, something she never felt for any other man in her life, and yet he keeps hurting her again and again, in every chance he gets, it seems. 

And somehow deep inside of her, in a twisted spot deep down in the pit of her stomach, Andy knows it will always be him. She will always want the one man who is just out of her reach. She will keep waiting for this man, sending him longing glances across two sides of a big room. She will keep loving him, the man who breaks her heart time after time. She will keep waiting for him to come and pick up the pieces. 

She can see through the crack in the blinds that the lights are still on, even though that as battalion chief, he is under no obligation to stay in the station overnight like the rest of them are. 

Andy thinks that he might be sticking around to monitor her, to keep track of her, to wait for her to fall apart. It makes her blood boil, the thought of him waiting for her to screw up, like everyone else does. 

Or maybe it is just the habit. Maybe he is just so used to spending the night with his team, that the idea of going home to get a good night’s sleep is just unthinkable for him. 

Andy walks back and forth on the catwalk, trying to get her thoughts in order, trying to prevent herself from doing the one thing she knows she shouldn’t. She feels everything, and she feels nothing at the same time, and as she hears the rain falling hard on the roof of the barn, she makes her way to the closed door of his office. 

Because he can’t possibly do anything that will hurt her further. She has nothing left to give, so he has nothing left to take. Her heart belongs to him anyway, whether she likes it or not. 

She thinks about barging, thinks about stepping in, uninvited, and damned the answers she deserves. But she is tired, too exhausted to start another war against him, one she is bound to lose, so she just knocks softly on the door, then pulls the strands of hair that fell on her face behind her ear, as she waits anxiously for his answer, not knowing if he is going invite her in, or kick her out. 

“Come in.” She can hear him call. Andy places a hand on the doorknob, but it is shaking, and she has to use the other to stabilize it and push the door open. 

Her breath catches in her throat as she sees him sitting in the big leather chair, going through a huge stack of paperwork. In the moment it takes him to look up at her, she gives him a small once over, can’t help herself. She notices the way his brow furrows in concentration, the way he bites down on his lower lip, the way his big hands flip through the pages. 

And then his eyes meet hers, and she sees nothing in them. 

“How is the view from your high throne up here?” She spits. 

“Herrera, I am going to let this one go, because you are grieving the loss of your close friend, but just so you know I have no intention of tolerating this kind of insubordination for much longer.” His voice is completely still as he answers, and just like his face, Andy can’t read any emotion in it. 

He gets up from his chair, standing high above her, looking down. He won’t let her forget the fact that she is his subordinate even for a moment, even in the middle of a stormy night, away out of range of any curious eyes. 

“Say it.” Andy demands. She crosses her arms around her chest and looks up at him, defying. 

“What do you want me to say?” He asks, pretending the two of them don’t know what she intended. 

“Save it.” She breathes. 

“You are walking a thin line, Herrera. If I send you home again, it will be written in your personal record.” 

How can she hate so much a man she is so in love with? 

He takes a deep breath before he gives voice to the one thing she knew was coming, but still dreaded to hear. “I recommended Bishop as the next captain of station 19.” 

Andy walks across the tiny office, paces back and forth, her hands pulling at her hair. “That is funny.” She gives out a little sound that is supposed to resemble a laugh, even though neither of them find the situation they are in the least bit amusing. If anything, the joke is on her. “Because I have this vivid memory from not long ago of you saying that we can’t be together, because you wanted me to be captain.” She yells now, her tones are high, but she doesn’t care if she wakes all of her friends, or the entire block, for that matter. “And now you're telling me that not only I don’t get to have the man I want, but also I don’t get to have the job I deserve? The job I worked so hard to be worthy of?” 

“Andy…” He whispers her name and takes a step closer, and all she wants to do is to melt into his body, fade into him until they will become one. 

“Don’t.” She stops him with a hand on his chest, keeping him away. 

Because she knows. She knows that if she only let him get close enough for her to smell him, close enough for her to remember how his mouth tasted against her exploring tongue, how his body felt when he moved against hers , she might fall apart. 

She might start to cry in front of him, she might let out all the feelings that have been bottling up inside of her, and he has no right to see her at her worst. 

He is not her family, he is not her lover, and he lost the right to call himself her friend a long time ago. He is just her battalion chief, and she is just one of his lieutenants. 

“Just, give me a reason.” She begs. “Just something, a little thing, anything, to justify the decision you made. Explain to me why you asked me to let you know what I wanted, and a few moments later you pushed me away? Explain to me how come we fell in love with each other, and yet we can’t be together? Tell me why you promised me a promotion, only to give it to someone who used to be my friend, but right now I am pretty sure she just used me all along?” 

Robert says nothing, just stares at her with these deep dark eyes that reflects no emotion at all, and makes Andy want to scream, because she knows well enough she wears her feelings on her sleeve, and that he can read all of them on her face in a moment. “I am so sick of men getting to make decisions about my life for me! I am so sick of you thinking you know what’s best for me!” Andy yells. 

He takes a step towards her, grips her biceps in a firm hold. 

“No, let me go!” She wiggles and moves, trying to get out of his grasp. When she finally manages to push him away, she starts to throw her fists against his chest. “I hate you!” she calls and pushes him back. “I hate you!” She screams again at the top of her lungs, and closes the distances between them, only to shove him back another step. She keeps yelling that she hates him, keeps moving them back, until he hits a wall. 

He doesn’t flinch, doesn’t try to stop her, even though they both know he is stronger than her, and he could have just grabbed her by the wrist and dragged her out of his office. But he does nothing, let her hit him and curse him and blame him for everything that is wrong in this world. 

Maybe he believes that he deserves that. This is his punishment for all the lies and the secrets, and to be frank, it is a small penalty to pay for the extent of the hurt he caused her. 

He never meant to harm her. His second love. The one person who crept into his heart for the first time in fifteen long years, and never got out of. But even though his intentions were pure, he ended up causing her pain nonetheless. Maybe that is all he knows how to do. Maybe he shouldn't have opened up to her in the first place. 

Maybe he shouldn’t have let her in. 

She is not sure when, but during the time she used him as her own personal punching bag, she started crying, and only realizes it as the first warm and salty teardrop makes its way down her cheek and to her neck. 

When she has him pressed against one of the walls, she looks up at him, and for the first time that night she can see an emotion in his eyes, as he watches the tears streaming down her face faster now. 

And it breaks her. 

Her legs give in, her knees fold under her weight, and she is on the floor, her hands covering her face, hiding her tears from him. 

He sits down by her in a blink of an eye, his hands taking her wrist in a feather light touch and pulls her hands away from her face, so he will be able to look at her as she sobs quietly. 

“Andy, please don’t hide away, not from me. Please.” He begs, then wraps his arms tightly around her middle. She wants to free herself, away from his grip and his touch, but she is weak and tired, so she lets him hold her. 

Her face finds the place where his neck meets his shoulders, and she breaths him in as she cries, her tears wetting his shirt. 

He takes her face in his hands and places her forehead against his. For a moment they just sit there, in the dim lit office in the wee hour of the night, the sounds of their heavy breathing filling the air, the only thing keeping the room from being completely silent. His thumb brushes one of her tears away from her cheek, his lips find the other one, kissing another tear away. 

“No, no, stop.” Andy protests, shaking her head. “You don’t get to comfort me! You don’t get to kiss my tears away! You chose your career and your promotion over me!” She yells as she tries to rise herself from the floor. She tries to push herself up with her palms, but his reflexes are quick, and he holds onto her, reluctant to let her go when she is obviously still so agitated. 

Andy sits back down and starts to hit him on the chest again. “I hate you!” She screams, but as she looks into his eyes, she falls into his body. 

Her arms wrap around his neck, and she cries into his chest this time. “My best friend is dead.” She hiccups. “I watched him die in front of me, I held his entire blood volume in my hands. My best friend is dead, and he jumped in front of a bullet shot by a child who didn’t know better so I could live.” She cries. 

“Shhh..” Robert whispers into the top of her head, placing a soft kiss there. He strokes her hair gently, running his fingers through her soft locks, still a little wet from the shower she had earlier, as he murmurs. “I am here. You are safe.” 

“My best friend is dead, and the other friend I thought I had accepted a job that I earned.” She pulls away from him, and this time he doesn’t stop her, doesn’t do anything to keep her body pressed tightly against his. She wipes her tears away with her own hands, trying to compose herself, even though she is not sure why. They are obviously the only two people around, and the both of them watched as she melted down, so what importance does her appearance have anyway? 

“And the man I love keeps letting me down and breaking my heart, time after time.” Andy muttered. 

She makes her way through his office to the door slowly, and a part of her wants him to follow her. 

She wants him to hug her middle tightly and promise her that everything is going to be alright. She wants him to tell her that he chooses her. She wants him to take the pain away from her, and carry some of it on his shoulders. She wants him to lead her to her bunk and peel away every piece of clothing she has on. She wants him to make her feel, make her feel pleasure, make her feel anything else but anger and hurt. She wants him to hold her as she sleeps, and maybe if he spoons her, the nightmares won’t be as bad, and she will finally be able to close her eyes and not see the black of death and the red of blood in her mind’s eye. 

She gets to the door, and places a shaking hand on the doorknob again. She can’t help the temptation, so she twists her head back, only to find him sitting at the exact same spot on the floor where she left him. 

But she wants him, wants him so bad she gives him one last chance. 

“Robert, please say something that will make me stay.” She begs. 

There are tears in her eyes when he says nothing, the silence providing her answer and breaking her heart further at the same time. 

She manages to open the door, then close it behind her. She leans on the other side of it for a second, letting another tear stain her cheek, and swearing to herself this is going to be the last one she cries over him. 

And it is him again. 

The man who keeps crawling back deep under her skin, the man who makes her feel everything. The man who makes her feel something at all. 

And it is him again. 

The man she loves. The man she hates.


	10. Parents

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone and welcome to the 30 days countdown!   
> 30 more days until Surrera are back on our screens!  
> This is my first Surrera as parents fic and this is my headcanon.   
> As always, thank you for all the love, and I hope that you leave your thoughts on this one too if you feel like doing it.   
> Hope you enjoy this one!

“Everything looks exactly as it should be.” Carina concludes, then peels off the gloves she wears and throws them away in the nearest trash can. The doctor starts to make her way through the examining room, washing her hands and sanitizing all the equipment she used to check on Andy. “You know, you can get up and start getting dressed. I am done, everything is normal for a woman six months after giving birth.” Carina says again, just in case Andy didn’t hear her the first time. 

The fire fighter still sits on the examining chair, her legs spread open, and she is staring into the wall across from her, perplexed. 

“Is there anything else I can help you with?” Carina asks, even though she has a few more back to back appointments, and she really needs Andy to clear the room, otherwise she is going to be behind her schedule. Yet she has learned to know the firefighter quite well in the few years that has passed by since she started dating Maya, and she knows that there is something on her mind. She also knows that Andy won’t leave until she gets whatever it is that is burdening on her chest out in the open. 

“We are friends, right? Can I say we are friends?” Andy inquires. “You and Maya have been together for years now, you are as much of a part of the station family as any of us is, and you were the one who helped me through the very slow, painful process of delivering my babies. So can I say we are friends?” 

“It was only painful because you didn’t want to do what I recommended you to do. It would have made it so much smoother, but it was your choice.” Carina pulls at her shoulders, and Andy can feel herself turning a bright shade of red. The last thing she wanted to think about is that specific idea of natural pain reliever the doctor had offered her during her very intense labor. 

And yet, the thought of the particular expression Robert had when Carina brought up that idea so very nonchalantly makes a smile spread up on Andy’s face. 

“And you said I was clear for having sex, right?” Andy continues, ignoring the comment Carina just made. “All kinds of sex, no restrictions what so ever?” 

The doctor turns, and looks at Andy in a mixture of confusion and shock as she understands what the firefighter was trying to say. “You haven’t had sex with that gorgeous, tall, firefighter of yours ever since you gave birth?” 

Andy feels humiliated as she gets up from the chair and makes her way to the little hidden area in the room where she left her clothes. “I would really appreciate it if you won’t talk about my husband like that.” 

“Honey, I am happily taken, and you know that.” She can barely hear the doctor say behind the sound of the crackling medical tools she puts back in place and the drawers she slams shut. “Is there something wrong?”

“Yes, No, I don’t know.” Andy grunts as she pulls her underwear and her pants up her body. “Before I got pregnant, it seemed like he could never have enough. Seriously, I had to push him off of me sometimes, because it was just too much. And it wasn’t a thing that only happened when we were first married. It didn’t fade away for years. ” 

She can hear Carina’s laughter from the other side of the room. “Yes, I do remember the day a couple of years back when you came in with so much pain and I had to break it to you that you got yourself a nasty urinary tract infection from having too much sex, and that you had to slow down or otherwise it would have gotten much worse. I remember you being not very happy about that, and it is safe to say your husband wasn’t either.” 

Andy’s face turns red again, and she is glad the doctor can’t see her at the moment. She has her way of knowing exactly what buttons to push to make a person squirm in embarrassment. Andy tries to keep her voice as leveled as possible as she continues to let the thing she has been keeping on her heart for the last couple of months out, hoping that Carina will never know how humiliated she feels. “I am just scared that he doesn’t find me as desirable now, after my body has been through all of that. He keeps saying that he loves me, and keeps showering me with sweet talk and compliments like he has been doing since the moment we got together, but he didn’t even try to make a move to get things heated up.” She sighs before zipping her pants up and making her way towards the door. 

“Andrea, come here.” Carina coaxes. Since Pruitt’s death, no one around her really uses her full name anymore. But Andrea is also the name of Carina’s brother, and Andy thinks that’s the reason she likes her full name so much. The firefighter grabs her purse and stands in front of her doctor, who has also become her friend over the years. “You are every bit as attractive as you were before those lives were conceived inside of you. I have seen a fair share of new mamas as part of my job, and a lot of them have the same concern. But your body did a miracle, and there is no reason to be ashamed of that. Men are idiots, Andrea, and sometimes you have to be very specific about what you want from them, otherwise they remain clueless. Just talk to him, I am sure he didn’t even notice anything was different.” 

“Thank you, Carina.” Andy smiles at her, as she opens the door to leave the room and let the doctor go back to her own business. She has kept her from her job long enough. 

“No problem Andrea.” Carina smiles back. “Oh, and just so you know.” Andy stops and turns around to hear what she has to say. “Your husband is very handsome and tall, but if I wanted to make a move on someone in your marriage, it wouldn’t have been him.” Carina winks, and the doctor can hear Andy’s laughter even after the new mom closes the door behind her. 

*********

“Robert, I think we should move.” Andy whispers, her free hand caressing up and down his arm. 

“You know that if I do as much as breathe the wrong way they are going to wake up. And frankly, I don’t think I have it in me to go anywhere, even if she wasn’t sleeping on my chest.” He mutters, trying to keep as quiet as possible in order not to wake up one of the babies, who will in turn, wake up their sibling. 

“Do you want to hand her to me, then? I can take care of the both of them if you want to take a shower and get some sleep.” 

“Are you telling me I stink?” Robert chuckles, and regrets it immediately, because Rayna starts to stir. He holds his breath for a long moment, until he can see her tiny face relaxing again as she drifts back to deep sleep. 

“I am just saying that you smell like you transferred to station 23. And they never use their showers.” Andy giggles. Robert is lying with his head in her lap, but she knows that if he was able to get a good look at her, he would have given her one of his death glares that used to scare her good when they just met, but as time went by the effect of them faded away. “Babe, you have been awake almost the entire night, juggling between these two. Get some sleep.”

“You know that the moment I will let her go, she will start screaming and won’t calm down until I pick her up again.” Robert states, and Andy knows that is true. Their son always seemed to manage with either of his parents showering him with attention, never really minding who will be the one to take care of him, as long as somebody does. Their daughter, on the other hand, seemed to be completely awestruck by her father from the first moment she came into this world. He was the first person she smiled to, and she is only content when he takes care of her. Whenever Andy tries to do as little as to pick her up, the little girl starts to scream, and her dad comes running to save his little princess. 

Of course he does. 

“Sometimes the amount of attention and love she gets from you makes me jealous.” Andy jokes. She knows her husband is a great father to both of their children, but as his time and attention has to be divided between work and taking care of the twins, it seems like there hasn’t been enough time to take care of their relationship ever since their babies were born six months ago. 

The dates outside and the cozy nights at home, the mind-blowing sex and the naked, lazy late night conversations in bed, they all disappeared once the two kids showed up in this world, and were replaced by nightly feedings and long strolls around the neighborhood park. 

“What can I say? I have another woman in my life now. I am sorry, babe, but you will have to get used to that.” He whispers. He moves his head down and inhales the smell of their daughter, and then places the softest kiss to the top of her head. “She even smells better than you. She smells like a baby.” 

“I don’t know, I recall you used to like smelling me. Especially when I smelled like sex and sweat and you.” She teases. Andy wants to lower her head and place a soft kiss on his lips, but the way they are occupying the sofa is rather strange, as she sits down on one side, and he lies sprawled all over the length of it, his legs half in the air, and she knows that as soon as she does it, as soon as she makes the sharp change in her position, Luke is going to wake up. 

They are silent for a long while, and her eyelids start to feel heavy, her mind drifting, but she knows that she can’t fall asleep, not as long as he stays awake. She somehow managed to get some decent amount of rest last night, while he did the majority of taking care of the babies, who woke up every five minutes it seemed. 

“Do you think it will ever go away? Being exhausted all the time?” He asks her. She can tell how tired he is, learnt to read him so well by now, but he keeps himself awake, keeps his eyes open wide, and there is even a half smile at the tips of his lips. 

On some days, much like today, Andy can’t possibly understand how he does that. How he looks so whole when she finds herself falling apart. 

“They are going to sleep through the night at some point, Robert.” Andy promises. 

“Yeah, and then I will have to stay up all night worrying, waiting for them to return home in the middle of the night from whatever party they are going to attend and not tell us about, and I will have to make sure she is not going out with any guys until she is thirty years old. Just the thought of that makes me feel fatigue.” 

“You know they are not going to turn from seven months old to seventeen years old that fast, right?” Andy inquiries, even though it does feel like that sometimes. Every day, every moment, something changes about the two of them, and she is so scared that if she will only do as much as blink, she is going to miss something small but important, and her babies will never be the same. 

“It is just a lot. Having two of them.” Robert concludes, and Andy doesn’t know if his statement is meant for her, or just to reassure himself. 

“Would you have it any other way?” Andy asks, even though she knows the answer.

Conceiving them was a hard and long process. 

Robert has always been a natural father, but Andy needed a little bit of a push in the right direction before she was fully on board with the idea of becoming a mother. It took her time, and many late night conversations in bed about the possibility of a life just the two of them, and about the alternative, the one that includes more members joining their family, until she finally decided it was the right time. 

They tried and tried, and with every at-home pregnancy exam reading negative, Andy’s heart broke a little bit further, and Robert had to pick up the pieces, month after month, cycle after cycle. They were so close to giving up and heading in a different direction to become a family, were almost sure that at least one of them had a medical issue that didn’t allow Andy to conceive, but then, after so many months of heartbreak and pain, the positive result finally came in.

No long after, Carina let them know that they were expecting not one, but two other members to join the little family they were building, and after nine long months of morning sicknesses and swollen ankles, they finally emerged into this world.

Lucas and Rayna, named after two men who are no longer between the living, but were true friends to their parents, and they will forever have a place in both of their hearts. Andy and Robert hoped that by naming them after their best friends, they will be best friends to each other, too, as they will grow older. 

“You know I wouldn’t.” Robert answers. 

“What if…” Andy starts. “We will make some phone calls, see who wants a little bit of baby time on their day off, so we could have some time alone, just the two of us?” She suggests. 

“And what are we gonna do with all the free time we will suddenly have in our hands?” Robert asks, and suddenly his voice lowers, and not only to keep the kids from waking up. 

“Oh I will make it worth your while.” Andy promises. Robert raises a brow in her direction, encouraging her to elaborate on whatever plan she has in mind. She takes her free hand away from him and covers Luke’s ear, as if at six months he can understand or repeat what she is about to say. She mouths the word “Blowjob”, and then bites down on her lower lip. 

It is something she knows he very much enjoys, but doesn’t get around to doing that for him too frequently. It has always been one of her biggest insecurities, even though he does everything in his power to explain to her what makes him feel good, and to reassure her. He is usually more than eager to do the same thing for her, and more often than not he gets forgotten in the process of their foreplay, dedicating all of his attention to her. 

He smirks at her, before he asks. “Who do you think we should call to babysit?” 

“Jack and Inara.” Andy suggests. 

“Maya and Carina.” Robert mentions their names exactly at the same time as she brings up the other couple. 

“Do you want Maya to take care of our babies? Out of all the people in the world? Really?” Andy inquires with a raised brow and a questioning look on her face, trying to convey the message that she is thinking back to every decision he ever made for the both of them, debating if he is even capable of making a right call at all. 

“Well, that is the reason I mentioned Carina too. She is a babies’ doctor, after all.” 

“She is not a babies’ doctor, Robert.” Andy snorts. “She is the doctor who takes care of expecting mothers during the pregnancy, among other things. She is the doctor who caught these two.” She points at the sleeping babies. “When they were pushed out of here.” She points at her belly. 

“Do you really want to have Jack of all people around when we will try to have sex in our bedroom upstairs?” Robert asks. “I know for a fact it won’t bother Carina and Maya, but your ex?”

“Well, Inara is a mom. And Jack has been a father figure for Marcus since the moment the two met.” Andy tries to reason her thoughts. 

“Yeah, when Marcus was eight! If I will need someone to help them with math homework when they are in elementary school, I will make sure to call Gibson!” He is talking too loudly, the conversation getting too heated, and before they know Ray wakes up and starts to cry. 

Robert finally moves, cradles his daughter in one hand and pushes himself to a sitting position with the other. He stands up and starts to pace slowly through the living room, rocking the baby gently back and forth in his arms, trying to sooth her, trying to figure out what is wrong. 

When her brother wakes up as well, Andy gives up and says. “Fine. I will call Maya and Carina. Just don’t expect Maya to change any diapers.”

***********

“Carina dragged me here.” Maya huffs as she walks through the door, pointing at her significant other, letting the two parents know she is not at all happy with what her plans for her night off turned out to be.

“I will make it up to you.” Carina promises, as she walks into the house and takes Luke from Andy’s reached out arms. The baby stares at the doctor for a while with his dark, curious eyes, and after he decides that she is good enough, a small smile spreads across his tiny face. 

“Just please don’t tell me you agreed to this arrangement because you are trying to convince me to pop one of those out of me.” Maya requests. “Because Andy might have been fine with making this choice that has alternated her body, and her relationship, and her life to a point where they are unrecognizable, but I won’t do the same.” 

“Thank you, Maya. You make me feel so very confident.” Andy says, trying to keep her face completely unreadable, so her friend won’t know she touched a sensitive spot. She is grateful, though, because that means Carina hasn’t let the conversation they had the other day slip. 

“Always.” Maya promises. She makes her way to Ray, who lies in her little crib in the living room. The little girl keeps quiet, looks content enough, even though Robert isn’t around to hold her. Andy prays that she will keep up with this unusual behavior, just long enough for Andy to have her husband all to herself for the next couple of hours. 

Andy gets closer to Luke, who seems satisfied in the arms of the other woman. She bends down and places a soft kiss to her son’s little forehead, and as she does she whispers. “Thank you. I know you were the one to convince Maya to spend some time here.”

“No problem, mama.” Carina smiles at her. “Now go. Go to your very attractive husband and get some.” She coaxes. 

“There are clean diapers, clothes and anything else you might need in these drawers.” Andy points out in the right direction “And there is some milk I pumped earlier in the fridge, but I just fed them so they shouldn't be hungry.” She notifies the two, to Maya’s very vocal sounds of disgust. “We are going to be upstairs if you need us. But please, please, don’t need us.” She begs, glaring at Maya pointedly. 

Andy makes her way to Robert, and interlaces their fingers together. “Thank you Bishop, DeLuca.” He nods towards the couple in acknowledgment, and then climbs up the stairs to their bedroom, Andy following him closely. 

She is kissing him as soon as the door closes behind them, pushing his body against it, and reaches for the key blindly to lock the door. It has been a while since they shared a kiss like this one, passionate, heated, one that is supposed to get him hard and her wet. It is awkward at first, and it takes a while, but they finally find their right, familiar rhythm. He pushes her, and she walks backwards slowly, never breaking the contact, until her legs hit the bed. He shoves her lightly, and as her body falls into the mattress, he climbs on top of her. 

Her husband’s lips find her neck, and she giggles as she feels his breaths tickling down her throat. He kisses and nibs at the sensitive spot he knows she likes, and his fingers trail lower, picking the hems of her shirt up and trying to lift the fabric above her head. 

Andy stops him with a soft hand on his chest, pushing him away from her lightly.

“Is anything wrong?” Robert asks, the look on his face full of worry. He is concerned, but he is also tired, a feeling which she knows he tries to hold back from her, for her, but doesn’t do even a half decent job hiding it away. 

“I…” Andy starts, but is hesitant to say the words that will let him know how she really feels. 

“Babe. Please don’t hold back.” He requests. “Whatever it is, share it with me, and I will do my best to try and fix it for you.” 

Andy lets go of the air she has been holding in her lungs as she breathes out the thing that has been causing her to look away every time she stares into a mirror. “My body is not the same as it was before I got pregnant.” She admits. 

They keep silent after her statement, and she can almost see the train of thoughts cruising in his mind behind his eyes.

“May I?” He asks for her approval to continue with his intentions. Andy nods, and he lifts the shirt she wears over her head and throws it far away, until it lands on the floor next to the door, her pants follow quickly. 

She is left lying beneath him in nothing but her underwear, and she suddenly feels bare, naked, overly conscious of everything that isn’t completely perfect in her body anymore. She tires to cover her belly with her arms, but he pulls them away, exposing her completely under his touch. “Don’t you ever, ever think that you have to hide anything about yourself from me.” Robert insists. He told her that so many times now, over and over again, but sometimes, in moments like this, she needs him to remind her. 

He moves down the bed a little bit and starts to kiss her abdomen. He goes slowly, pointedly, makes a trail down her belly, and when he is done, he moves further down to her thighs. 

Until she understands. He kisses every one of her stretch marks, every piece of skin that isn’t as tight as it used to be. 

“This body carried the two beautiful babies downstairs. My babies. If anything, I love it even more than before, though I don’t think it is possible.” He whispers into her skin, then keeps kissing softly. 

“It just seemed like you weren’t very interested since they were born.” Andy admits, and sighs as he bits down on one spot pointedly. 

“You really thought it was because I wasn’t attracted to you anymore?” Robert asks, finding it hard to believe. He climbs up her body again, leaving a trail of wet, hot kisses on every exposed piece of skin his lips are able to find. He pushes away a piece of hair that fell on her face as he explains. “I can’t think of a day where I won’t be as drawn to you as I am now, as I was on the day we first kissed in the station, or the day you came to this very house and told me that I make you feel. But our lives have changed ever since they were born, and suddenly spontaneous sex on the sofa, or against the desk in my office, or in the shower is not much of an option anymore. We will just have to do a little bit more planning in advance if we want to have some alone time. Only until they go to college. Then I plan to fuck you properly in every possible spot in this house.” Robert smiles.

“I have to wait till they go to college?” Andy raises a brow. 

Robert tries to say something that will keep up their banter, but instead he just lets out a huge yawn, and Andy can see he is barely keeping his eyelids open. 

“I think we should use this time to catch up on some sleep, and maybe we will be able to schedule some alone time on another day?” Andy offers. She wants to have sex, wants to take advantage of whatever breathing room Maya and Carina provide, but she can’t be selfish. 

“But you wanted to…” Robert trails off, already lying on his side of the bed. 

She doesn’t say anything, just caresses his cheek lightly, then turns around to set the alarm on her phone to wake them up in a few hours. 

When she checks again after a few seconds, he is already sound asleep on the other side of the bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I need to do some explanations about the names I chose. I feel like Lucas is obvious. I know there are a couple of ways to spell the name Rayna, but the way I chose means "the song of God" rather than the other ways that means queen. Also I feel like this way resembles the name Ryan the most.  
> Also, I just like the name spelled like that.   
> Thank you so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed!


	11. Nothing Usual

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's note: Hey everyone! Thank you for reading and reviewing, even though I know the last one shot wasn't everyone's cup of tea (also, noted) . I just wanted to say that updating times might change, since uni started again and it is a lot. I will try to keep it at twice a week, but I make no promises, so please don't be mad if I won't update as much anymore.   
> This one takes place right after 3X12 ended. It was such a shame they didn't show us what happened right after Pruitt died, so I decided to write it.  
> Hope you enjoy and leave me your thoughts!

It isn’t his grief to feel, it isn’t his sadness to take over his body and drop him to his knees. It isn’t his tears to cry, it isn’t him who needs to search for a back to lean against, it isn’t him who needs to find a shoulder to cry on. It isn’t him who needs to find someone to carry him to safety.

Robert and Pruitt Herrera, or maybe he should think of him as his father in law now, had known each other for many years, have crossed paths on many occasions, but were never practically close by any means. Even after Robert saved the undocumented restaurant workers from being deported, he still had a feeling deep in his guts that Pruitt didn’t really approve of him, didn’t really believed he was good enough for his daughter. But when he sees the cap standing on the edge of the ladder, the only remnant of the man who rescued all of them all from a certain death, Robert's knees feel like they are going to give and fold in, leaving him sprawled on the ground.

He has to breathe, has to remind himself that there is someone else who probably feels everything so much stronger now. The woman he has been sharing every one of his mornings and every one of his nights and every free moment he had in between with. The woman to whom he recently started calling his wife.

His eyes search for her. They left the storage unit together, but somewhere along the process he lost contact with her, and by now, it seems as though she disappeared into thin air. Everything around him is a mess of shouts and black smoke, of firefighters coming and going, so he can’t locate her at first, isn’t able to recognize her in the sea of helmets and coats all looking exactly the same.

He is able to catch a glimpse of Hughes standing next to the ladder, leaning against someone who Robert suspects is Miller, and he is almost convinced she is crying. He keeps looking for his wife, finally walking, finally able to move his stiff body, even though it still feels like his leg is on fire, still feels like someone came and stabbed him with a thousand knives right at that particular spot up his thigh.

He walks slowly, using the vehicle for support, until he spots his wife in the distance.

Andy stands far away, as far as she possibly can from the chaos the scene has become. Her hands fumble with the blue cap, twist it around over and over again, but as far as he can tell, her eyes are dry and her cheeks are stain free.

She is probably in pain, so much pain, and there is absolutely nothing he can do about it. He wants to hold her in his arms, to reassure her he is there if she wants to fall, to crumble. He is there to catch her, and if it is up to him, he will always be there, until he takes his dying breath.

When he promised her he would have her, for better or for worse, he meant it, every word he said.

“Bishop.” He calls the direction of the captain he appointed.

“Sir.” She nods. “I just wanted to say, I tried to talk him down, but he didn’t listen.” She tries to explain what happened while he was inside the storage unit, attempting to save the woman he loves, tries to give a reason as to why things escalated to such a point a retired firefighter had to lose his life in order to save theirs.

“If he is half as stubborn as his daughter is, there is no way you could have convinced him to step down. There will be a time and place to talk about the chain of events that ended up with him on that roof, but it isn’t right now, that’s for sure.” Robert reassures, lets her know he is not there to reprimand or investigate, and only then he realizes he talks about his father in law as if the man is still among the living. “I need you to do something for me.”

“Yeah, of course.” Maya nods. She looks at him with her eyes wide, as if she is ready to take notes and follow his order by the word.

“Call the C shift as soon as possible, and tell them we needed them at the station an hour ago. If they are unavailable, call whomever will be willing to come from B or D shift. You all lost a father figure today, and I want everyone from the A shift to go home as soon as possible, so you will have the time to grieve properly.”

“But…” Maya starts to protest, yet Robert interrupts her before she has a chance to say anything else.

“Every minute someone from the A shift remains on duty poses a threat to both my firefighters, and to the poor unfortunate soul who will be stuck in the wrong time and the wrong place and will need a rescue. Go back to the station and get someone to take over. I will not ask again.”

“Yes, sir.” Maya answers. He has a mouthful of things to say about her, especially due to the way she hurt his wife, but he can’t say she is unprofessional. She doesn’t cry, just looks at him with no expression at all, not letting anyone know how she really feels, even though he is sure Maya was as close to Pruitt as any other person who has ever spent time under his command. “Anything else?”

Maybe she is inhuman, like the rest of the team members believe her to be.

Robert takes a deep breath before he lets the words standing at the tip of his tongue out. They might expose his relationship, his marriage, but at the moment, he doesn’t care. His wife needs him, and he is willing to do anything it takes to be there for her, willing to sacrifice everything he has. “Yes, one last thing. Leave taking care of Herrera to me.”

“Sir, do you really think it is the best idea?” Maya asks.

He isn’t sure how much she knows about the rollercoaster that has been his and Andy’s relationship, isn’t sure how much his wife shared with the woman she used to call her best friend. Everyone at the station knew Andy and Robert were friends, it wasn’t a secret, and when they had their falling out after he kissed her, then banished her out of the captain’s bank, everyone knew they were back on bad terms, even though they weren’t sure exactly why they sent each other heated stares across the room and only spoke to each other in screams.

They tried to keep the façade up after she came to his door, begging him to kiss her, but he isn’t so sure they did an exceptional job, considering the fact that they giggled like two lovestruck teenagers every time they were certain no one was watching.

“Yes, I am sure it is the best idea.” He snorts. “Now go get the team and leave as quickly as possible.” He orders, and Maya runs, never looking back. He watches for a moment as she gathers everyone around her, and they start to load the engine and the ladder with all of the equipment that wasn’t lost during the fire.

“Hey.” He whispers as his wife walks past him. He wraps his hand around her wrist slowly, making her linger, signaling her to wait.

“I need to help them.” Andy looks at her teammates, but stays put, as if she is too weak to remove her hand out of Robert’s light grasp.

“I told Maya not to wait up for you.”

“Then, how am I supposed to go back to the station?” Andy asks, as if she genuinely thinks he is just going to leave her there, still covered in ashes and dirt, so close to the place her father found his death.

“You are coming with me.” Robert states.

He looks at her for a moment, really looks at her. She seems sad, doesn't have the usual mischievous grin on her face, the one she has been wearing since the first morning she woke up in his bed when no one else was looking. It is a very specific kind of smile, one that tells him she is planning to do dirty, dirty things to his body once they are all alone. She doesn’t have that smile, but doesn’t have tears in her eyes either, and her voice is so monotone he might as well have been talking to a robot.

He is worried about her. His Andy, his wife, his second chance in love and happiness.

She doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t object, doesn’t suggest it might not be the best idea, considering the fact they still haven’t made their marriage public. She just climbs up to his car and remains silent through the entire drive, staring through the windshield into the horizon.

“Babe, talk to me, please.” Robert begs once they made it halfway to the station and she was yet to let out a word.

She says nothing, does nothing to fill the silence. He tries to touch her, to slide his thumb up and down her thigh in a manner that is supposed to be calming and reassuring, but when she flinches away from his touch, he takes his hand back, and makes a mental note to ask for her permission next time he tries to offer some sort of contact as comfort.

When they finally reach their destination, Andy remains seated in the passenger side, staring blankly at the outside of the firehouse she was practically born and raised in.

“Do you need anything from your locker?” Robert inquiries.

“No, I have everything I need at your place.” Andy shakes her head, her voice barely audible, and his heart breaks as he watches her like that. He goes around the car and opens her door, waiting for her to step out, but doesn’t reach out his hand to help her, too scared of what her reaction might be if he touches her again.

“Take off your turnout gear for me?” Robert requests.

Andy does as he asks, still staring at the brick wall, still avoiding any eye contact. She lets the clothes fall to the ground, yet makes no move to pick them up, and he suspects she has no power left inside of her to carry out even the smallest of tasks.

Oh, how he wishes he could read her mind. How he wishes he knew exactly where the pain is, so he could take it away from her, making it his.

He bends down and picks up the coat and pants she left, dragging them inside to place them in their rightful space. “Wait for me?” He calls.

Andy nods, and he walks quickly into the station. He sets the turnout gear in place, then goes up to his office to pick up a few of the papers he still didn’t have the time to go through. He has a feeling it is going to be a few long days before he will feel comfortable with the idea of leaving her side, because as of right now, she isn’t even able to form a complete sentence.

He makes his way down the stairs as quickly as possible, going down two by two. Andy is still at the exact same position he left her, and it seems as if she hasn’t done as much as breathe, hasn’t moved even an inch, her eyes still fixated to the outer part of the station.

She is still wearing her turnout boots, he realizes, but he doesn’t have it in him to tell her to go inside and change them, not when she looks like that. Tiny and tired and about to collapse. “Come on.” He coaxes.

He is surprised when she initiates a contact, sliding her palm into his and squeezing. He looks for his phone with his free hand, typing a text for Bishop, asking her to store Andy’s shoes in her locker and inquiring about the status of his request from earlier. It takes him twice as long than it usually does, writing a full text only using one hand, and he has to erase more than once, accidently typing the wrong letter, or changing a word completely.

He can’t fathom a case where he lets go of her hand, though.

The drive goes by quickly, and after a few more silent moments they stand in front of the house they have been sharing.

When he opens the front door, the house feels big and empty, and Robert isn’t sure how he managed to live there all alone, without her filling in the empty spaces. Without her cuddling into him as they watch a movie on the sofa, or the little dance she has every morning as she storms around the kitchen, taking care of breakfast and coffee for the both of them. He told her time and time again he only drinks green smoothies in the mornings, but his comments kept on falling on deaf ears, as she claimed that a smoothie does not count as breakfast every single time he tried to argue.

Andy looks around as she finds herself in the living room, examining every part and every detail of the house, as if she hasn’t been spending all her free time inside these four walls for the past few weeks. As if she is a stranger, walking in for the very first time.

“How about you going to take a shower, and I will order us something to eat in the meantime?” Robert suggests. He doesn’t feel like doing as little as using the microwave, let alone cooking something from scratch, and he is afraid that if he lets her take care of dinner, she is going to stand and stare into the open fridge, in the best case scenario. In the worst, she is going to end up with a burn on her skin that will require a trip to the emergency room.

She doesn’t reply, doesn’t tell him what she would like to eat.

And there it is again, that empty, hollow stare, the one that scares him to death, frightens him way more than screaming or crying or blaming him for her father’s death ever could.

“Okay, I know what you like.” He claims, and it is true. He knows that she hates raw onion, but doesn’t mind it as much when it is cooked. She is willing to eat tomatoes, but only the cherry kind, or as a sauce. He even knows her favorite dish to order from every single takeout place they like.

He types quickly on the screen of his phone, his fingers moving up and down frantically, trying to get the task at hand done as soon as possible and shift all of his attention back to her. When he gets a text saying his order has been successfully placed, another one pops up, Bishop letting him know that she managed to find a last minute replacement for all of them, and that it is only a matter of time before they will be able to leave, each to his home, or probably all of them to Joe’s bar.

Robert can’t remember the last time he did something like that, but he turns his phone off and leaves it on the kitchen counter.

They can look for him all they want, but right now, his attention is directed only to his wife. Life and work and the outside world can all wait.

When he looks back, she is still there, standing in the middle of the living room, looking around like an alien who just landed from outer space, or a time traveler waking up in a completely different century. “Andy…” Robert whispers her name, lacing it with as much comfort he can find in himself to grant.

“I can’t move.” She lets out. Their conversation is nothing but hissed voices and shallow breaths, as if they are afraid to wake some kind of a sleeping beast neither of them can see.

“Come here.” He opens his arms for her, waiting until she slides into his embrace. On any other day, on any other circumstances, he would just take her in and hold her as close as he possibly can. But he already saw his touch might make her uncomfortable, and the last thing he wishes is for her to drift further apart from where she is now. The last thing he wants is to deepen the gap that formed between them, which he still tries to figure out how to close, so he just stands there, waiting for her to come to him, waiting for her to use him as the person she leans on.

Her person.

To his surprise, she does just that. She walks into his open arms and rests her head against his chest, and as she does, he lets all of the air go out of his lungs with a loud sound. “I am going to help you shower now, is that alright?”

Andy nods, makes just the slightest of moves telling him she is too tired to think for herself, to do anything on her own. He can’t carry her, not with his leg injury still pulsing and very much present, reminding him every single day he is not completely well, even with the device Dr. Shepherd gave him. Robert does the best he can, and takes her hand in his, guiding her up to their bedroom, step by step, stair by stair, until they finally make it to the upper floor, a journey that seems to take a small forever.

He helps her out of the grimy uniform, his fingers fast as he unbuttons her top and pulls her crew T-shirt over her head. He has done this many times in the short while they have been together, so many times he lost count, but this time is different. This time, undressing her has nothing sensual to it. Tonight, her nakedness isn’t supposed to lead anywhere.

When her clothes are all shed, Robert works the same actions on his body, unfastening his belt and throwing his pants in the pile of clothes next to the bathroom door.

Usually, this type of mess would bother him, and he would even tell her so. Usually, she would silence him with a kiss, a promise to clear everything later, and then another kiss, just for good measures.

But there is nothing usual about this day, so Robert does nothing to tidy up, even if his fingers are itching to pile the dirty clothes inside the laundry basket, for the very least.

He walks into the shower, and turns the water on, then lets it flow until they reach the exact temperature Robert knows she loves so much, even if he finds it scorching hot. Robert reaches his hand out, but she doesn't take it, just walks into the shower herself and closes the glass door behind her.

He thanks God for the fact his shower is large enough for two bodies to occupy, and they even have a little bit of space to move around. He reaches for her shampoo and leathers it between his fingers before he massages it into her scalp.

Andy likes to share her morning showers with him. She invited him in the first morning she spent in his bed, telling him they should be eco friendly, and shower together in order to save water. He has his fair share of experience washing her hair and scrubbing her body, but every single time it leads to more. It leads to kisses and soapy touches, to them holding on to every possible nook and cranny in the shower in order not to slip as he moves inside her, as she calls out his name.

Today is not like every other day.

Well, there is one thing that says business as usual. His body.

He tries to fight it, tries to work quickly and efficiently, avoids lingering anywhere as he works over her skin with body wash. But nature is stronger than him, he is so attracted to her, and tries all he might, he is still half hard in no time at all.

“Robert.” Andy whispers as she accidentally moves her backside against him, feeling his body’s reaction to her bare skin and nakedness. She is about to do it again, purposely this time, about to grind against him, but he stops it with his hand on her shoulder.

“I am not going to take advantage of your grief.” He lets her know.

“You are not taking advantage if I am initiating it.” Andy tries to convince, then lowers her voice to nothing above a whisper, one that Robert isn’t sure if he really heard, or he might have just imagined. “Please, make me feel something other than this excruciating pain.”

Sex makes Andy feel. It didn’t take long for him to understand it. 

She is completely immersed in the action, enjoys every single part of it, big or small. It makes her feel pleasure, and content once they are done. It didn’t take him long to learn what exactly makes her toes curl, what makes her come and scream his name in ecstasy.

He loves it, loves to watch her in the process, loves the way her entire face relaxes when he touches her just in the right spot. He loves seeing her almost as much as he loves being a part of the act.

Because he loves her, he won’t let her use sex as a way to shield herself from him, won’t let her use the pleasure of the flesh as a means to avoid using her words, giving an out to her emotions.

Robert shakes his head, then goes back to making sure the both of them don’t have any more dirt from this day on their bodies, even though he knows this call has marked her soul and her mind for years to come, in a way he won’t be able to disappear, no matter how much he will want to scrub it off her.

Usually, she would fight, she would try to seduce him, try to get what she wants from him.

But there is nothing usual about any of it, so she just stands there, lets the water rinse off the dirt and the ashes, lets her husband run his fingers through her hair to make sure it is completely clean, until the stream turns cold and Robert switches the tap off.

He wraps her in a towel, offering to help her dress and brush her hair, but she refuses, claiming she is able to do that task on her own.

Robert lingers, though, takes his time as he pulls on a pair of sweatpants and a shirt, and watches her as she brushes her hair slowly in the process, pretending to tidy up the bedroom without trying to make any conversation. It isn’t like he has anything to say to her anyway. He of all people knows how empty and vain words are when another person you love is taken away from you.

He knows it, and Andy knows it, too, considering the great losses she has experienced through the years, so he lets the silence fill in the space of the room, let it sit on their shoulders, let it tell her he loves her, and that he is there for her, without saying a word.

“Babe, I am going to get our food. Meet me downstairs, okay?” Robert requests. Andy nods, and after watching her untangling her hair with patience she doesn’t usually have, he feels confident enough she will be able to find her way to the kitchen.

Robert makes his way downstairs, then paces back and forth in front of the front door, waiting for the bell to ring.

She hasn’t cried yet, and he is worried, his mind racing.

He thinks he should go back up and check on her, just to make sure she is fine, but then their food arrives.

When he is done setting the table, she is there, wearing nothing but one of his old T-shirts.

He hates it when she does it, despises her habit of stealing his clothes, one she picked up rather quickly after she started spending her nights in his bed, warm and naked. He usually tells her so, which ends up with her pulling her shoulders and telling him to suck it up.

But there is nothing usual about this night, so he tries to smile at her, a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

He gets nothing in return.

“I didn’t know what you would like to eat, so I ordered you some chicken fried rice. Is that alright?” Robert asks.

“Thank you.” Andy blurts, doesn’t answer his question if this is something she would like to eat.

He pulls a chair out for her, and she sits down, but doesn’t eat, even after he already takes the first bite from his plate, trying to get her to follow his lead.

He is half way through his meal as he realizes she hasn’t touched her food, just shoved it around the plate with her fork, not even taking one bite for good measures.

“Babe, you have to eat.” Robert tries, then he makes this mistake again. He touches her without warning.

She is up on her feet in a moment, jumping from her seat, and in the process her plate flips over and shatters, the rice flying everywhere. “Stop treating me with kids gloves!” She yells.

And finally, it is there. An emotion. To be frank, anger wasn’t the first thing Robert expected her to let out, but at least now he knows she feels something as she lets her fury into the air, as he can watch it blazing in her eyes.

“I am going to bed.” Andy calls, leaving her husband with his mouth slightly open and a lot of filth to clean up behind her.

He wants to follow her. Wants to hug her, wants to take her in his arms. He wants to tell her everything is going to be just fine, that she can count on him. But he knows his wife well enough, even if they haven’t been sharing a bed and a relationship for a long while. He knows that once she feels, she feels everything deeply, and he knows to recognize the signs she sends his way when she says she wants him to give her time to calm down, to grant her space until the anger and rage subside inside her.

So he does just that, finds all the reasons in the world to avoid climbing up those stairs and taking her in his arms. He finishes his dinner and cleans hers off of the floor. He does the dishes and brushes his teeth in the guest bathroom. He keeps himself occupied for as long as he possibly can, coming up with insignificant tasks he has to get done, but she doesn't come strolling back those stairs.

He waits to hear footsteps behind him, waits to feel her arms as she wraps them around his middle, waits to feel the weight of her head as she rests it between his shoulder blades, the way he knows she likes to do.

When he feels nothing, he decides he has had enough, and tiptoes his way into their bedroom. A part of him is scared she went to sleep in the spare bedroom, a part of him afraid she will try to avoid him, even though they didn’t have a fight, not really. As he sees her tiny form in the bed, he releases the air that was caught in his lungs, and when he notices she is occupying his side, her face shoved into his pillow, inhaling his scent, he can’t help himself.

There is a tiny, little smile on his face, even though the day gave them no reason to be happy.

He says nothing as he slides under the covers, forcing her back into the right side of the large bed, which he referred to as hers in his mind ever since the first night she spent over.

“Robert.” She hums after a while, checking if he is still awake. “Can I hold you tonight?” Andy asks. He says nothing in return, just turns on his side, facing away from her. He feels a hand around his middle in no time, and the pressure of her head against his upper back.

Just the way they are supposed to be.

“I am sorry.” She apologizes.

“You are allowed to feel, Andy. Feel anything, feel everything. Don’t apologize for being human.”

The hand she has wrapped around his waist travels down, rubs his lower back reassuringly. It isn’t supposed to be that way, he is supposed to be the one comforting her. It is her father who passed away no more than a few hours ago.

But he says nothing, doesn’t protest the way she tries to sooth him instead.

His eyelids are turning heavy, his breaths becoming even and slow, and Andy lets herself believe her husband has fallen asleep, lets herself believe he can’t hear her, or feel the first tear out of many she finally sheds, as it slides down her cheek and wets the back of his shirt.

“I love you. Please don’t leave me.” She whispers through her tears, and if Robert is able to hear her, since he hasn’t drifted to sleep completely, not yet… Well, he says nothing about it.


	12. Trick or Treat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Happy Halloween and thank you for coming back! This fic is a part of the 30 days surrera countdown! 12 more days to go and I can't wait! This one is M rated for a smutty Halloween special. I am also here to say that there will be no more one shots coming up regularly on Thursdays anymore, for now. Life gets in the way of writing, unfortunately. I will keep updating Daughter and The One That Got Away, alternating between them on Mondays.   
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy this one and leave me your thoughts.

“I can’t believe you let them watch those movies.” Andy grunts as she watches the mayhem her neighborhood has become on the evening of Halloween.

The streets are busy, as one can expect them to be. There are kids of all ages, from toddlers who just learned how to walk, wobbling on unsteady, chubby feet, to pre-teenagers, enjoying what might as well be their last year of trick or treating, since they may decide next year they have grown too old for this kind of tradition. The kids are running around, knocking excitedly on every closed door, reaching their bowls and baskets out and asking for candy.

There are some teenagers and young adults as well walking down the streets, wearing costumes far more revealing than scary, so it is easy enough to know they are not children anymore. They are probably hopping from party to party, drinking and dancing from the early evening hours up until the sun will rise once again come tomorrow morning. Andy can’t really say she knows what it is like, to be so carefree and reckless. It has always been just her and Ryan, and she never was the type to get drunk at sixteen and do things she might regret the following morning, but she can sure as hell imagine.

The streets are crowded with children just being children, reveling in the most exciting evening of the year, and the Herrera- Sullivan kids are no different. Well, maybe the second most exciting evening of the year, almost tying up with Christmas Eve, but not completely.

“What’s wrong with these movies?” Robert asks. “I like them.”

They let Ray and Luke run ahead, knowing the two of them will be exhausted if they tried to keep up, but they made it clear to their six years olds that they have to stay where their parents can still see them.

The thought of the amount of energy her kids seems to have, combined with the unavoidable sugar rush they are bound to have after eating as many candies as their little stomach can hold, gives Andy a headache. She will have to postpone her plans to much, much later that night. Their shift starts early tomorrow morning, but she spent so much time and thought coming up with this treat for him, and more importantly, hiding it away from him, that there is no way she is going to let the night end before she executes her plans.

The thought makes her blush, and Andy is quick to shake her head and get rid of that specific mental image. It will have its time and place, but it is definitely not now, in front of their children. And besides, she will hate to spoil his surprise.

“For a start, they are way too violent.”

“You sound like such a mom. I just thought they might enjoy them, considering the fact their names match two of the main characters.”

“Well, as far as I remember, you were the one who wanted me to be a mom. You were the one to put that idea on the table first. You were the one waiting eagerly for me to be on board.” Andy stops and raises her brows at him, crossing her arms around her chest.

“Do you regret it?” Robert asks, even though both of them know that Rayna and Lucas are the two greatest things to ever happen to them.

Andy thinks of the question as her eyes move between her daughter and her son. Luke was the first one to fall in love with that movie franchise. He wears a long cape with a hood that covers his head, and moves his plastic lightsaber around. Andy warned him, told him he would hit someone on the head with his toy, but he obviously didn’t listen, as he keeps making a “woosh” sound as he spins the weapon, trying to imitate the sound effects from the movie.

Andy believes Ray only got into those movies because her brother seemed to enjoy them so much. She looks up to him, even though he is only older than her by three whole minutes, and when she found out Luke isn’t the only one sharing a name with a character in the Star Wars world, her eyes glistened, and Andy didn’t have it in her to tell the girl her name and Rey’s are spelled differently.

The girl wears Rey’s costume, and even though Andy did her best with her hair, it doesn’t look quite the same. But the girl is so happy, carrying around a BB8 candy bucket in one hand and her lightsaber in the other, that Andy’s heart feels like it melts in her chest.

“Never. Not for a moment.” Andy answers. Robert leans in and places a kiss on her lips. It is something chaste and quick, yet it is the exact moment their kids decide to turn around to see if their parents are still on their tail. Andy and Robert can both hear the exaggerated sound of disgust coming from their children, and that makes them giggle, makes them look into each other’s eyes deeply.

“Mom, dad, come on, before everyone runs out of candy!” Lucas rushes them along. Robert takes Andy’s hand in his and laces their fingers as the both of them make their way towards the gate Luke and Ray stand patiently at, waiting for their turn to ask for treats from the owner.

“Why didn’t you dress up?” Robert asks her.

“I did. I am a firefighter.” Andy answers, pointing down at her outfit. When Robert heard his children’s desire to dress up as two characters from the Star Wars saga for Halloween, he jumped on board immediately. He dressed up as Han Solo, or at least tried to, and even though his costume is quite improvised, he looks as handsome as always in it.

Andy has another costume, waiting for her, or to be more exact, waiting for him, in her closet, but it is not the kind of costume she could just wear to an evening of trick or treating down their street.

“Andy you are a firefighter. That’s what you do for a living. And besides, it isn’t as if you even wear your turnout gear. You wear a crew T-shirt and jeans, that hardly counts.”

“Well, I wasn’t planning on painting myself gold and going as C3PO.” Andy bites.

“Someone knows her way around Star Wars.” Her husband grins.

“How could I not? The kids are sitting in the living room, glued to it, most hours of the day. And it is your fault.” She pokes her finger in his chest.

The group of children that stood before Ray and Luke disappears, and the two children run excitedly to the closed door, knocking on it. Andy doesn’t know the mother who accompanies the group, but she sends her a knowing, sympathetic smile nonetheless, telling her she understands without using her words.

“Trick or Treat!” The two children offer, a little bit too loudly to Andy’s taste, but she knows Halloween is not the time to scold them.

“Well, aren’t you two adorable?” The woman who opened the door compliments. She is middle aged, with quite a bit of white hair, and a warm smile spread across her face. She reaches out for her candy stash, and fills in the kids’ buckets. Andy took a peek at them just a few minutes ago, as she noticed they were getting quite heavy, and the children had a hard time carrying them around on their own. They were half full already, even before the stranger took a handful and placed them in each of their buckets. She is about to fill them again, and even though Andy knows it is an act of kindness, she is about to tell her to stop.

They won’t be able to sleep, and the last thing Andy wants is to have two fussy, tired children come breakfast time tomorrow morning.

“Don’t.” Her husband stops her, placing a soft hand on her shoulder. “Let her treat them, and we will stop them at some point. Maybe we will make it a lesson about saving what they have for later and about self control.”

“Fine.” Andy breaths out. “But you are the one to tell them they have to stop indulging on all the candy and the chocolate.”

“Make me the bad cop, why don’t you?” Robert whispers

He is better with the kids, Andy knows that much. He has always been a natural. A natural parent, a natural father. Yet for Andy, it is still a learning curve, even six years later. She is constantly worrying she is doing the wrong thing, that she is damaging her children one way or another. It seems like they always listen to what he has to say, but if Andy says the exact same thing, she is met up with resistance more often than not, especially coming from Rayna.

Robert keeps telling Andy that it’s just a faze, that their daughter will move up past it at some point of her life, but the older she gets, Ray seems to be more attached to her father with everyday that passes, while Luke is content with either of them, as long as he gets the attention he needs.

“You two are twins, aren’t you?” The woman asks.

“Yes ma’am.” The two of them answer in unison.

“And what are you dressed up as?” She asks, trying to form a small conversation. Maybe that is the reason they had to wait quite a few minutes before Ray and Luke could come to the front door. She seems to interact with every group who stops by, but Andy doesn’t mind. This is probably the last house they are going to visit anyway, given the fact that her children’s buckets and eyelids all seem to be getting heavy.

“We are Luke and Rey from the Star Wars movies!” Luke answers excitedly, and reaches out his lightsaber for her to see.

“And what are your names?”

“I am Ray.” The girl answers.

“And I am Luke, nice to meet you!” He greets.

“Oh, no, I meant to ask what your real names are.” The older woman explains, thinking that the two children understood her question wrong.

“Those are our real names.” Ray pouts, can’t really understand why the stranger thinks she gave the wrong answer.

“Well, it seems like your parents are big Star Wars fans, then.” The woman looks at Andy and Robert now, smiling at them knowingly.

“Oh no.” Andy is quick to correct. “No, no, no. They are named after two people we cared about deeply and we lost, not about characters from a stupid science fiction franchise.”

When she looks at Robert, he smiles wildly at her, and she knows that he is holding himself back, trying not to laugh at her theatrical reaction.

“Well, either way, have a Happy Halloween!” The woman greets warmly as she is about to close the door, and let the group of kids who stand behind them, restless, the opportunity to go through the whole process again.

“May the force be with you!” Ray calls, and the two kids turn around to continue their adventure. 

“Hey, Ray, where are your manners? I think you know by now you are supposed to thank the nice lady.” Andy scolds. She didn’t want to make a fuss, didn’t want to reprimand her children on a holiday, in front of curious eyes, but she has had enough, and she knows her husband will do nothing about it, considering the fact that whenever his daughter gives him that look, he becomes a putty in her hands.

Maybe it isn’t the fact that Rayna loves Robert more. Maybe the girl just learned to know quickly that her father will always cuddle her, while her mom doesn’t fall so easily to that puppy dog eyes and the innocent look.

“Jedi don’t say thank you, mom!” Luke interrupts.

Andy glares at her husband and crosses her arms across her chest. “What’s wrong with those movies, uh?”

*******

“Here you go.” Andy offers her husband a cup of coffee. He sits at the table and watches their kids as they run around frantically, going through the wrappers of the chocolate they already had and the packages of the candies they didn’t, fueled by sugar and adrenaline. Andy stands right behind him, wrapping her arm around his neck and kisses his cheek.

“We won’t be able to fall asleep.” Robert warns, but takes a large chug out of his mug anyway. The warm and rich drink fills his senses, and he hums his appreciation as he keeps gulping on half of the large cup.

“Well, neither will they.” Andy points out at her children, who started throwing hard candy at each other. “So much for making this Halloween a lesson.” Andy smiles and kisses the exact same spot again.

“Well, I might have gotten a little bit distracted by the look Ray gave me earlier.” Her husband shrugs. “This girl…” Robert's words fade, but Andy knows exactly what he means by that.

“Just be careful now.” She pulls out another chair and sits on it. “In no time at all, she is going to use that look toward someone who isn't her daddy.” Andy teases. She knows it works him up, the idea of Rayna seeing someone, being in a relationship, even though it is still very far away from where they are now, from the six years old girl who waves her lightsaber in front of her twin brother.

It does just that, and in a moment he looks upset, bothered by the idea. “Please, don’t ever bring it up again until she is thirty.” Robert sighs and cradles his head in his hands.

For a long while the two of them stay put, watching their kids play with each other, letting out all the excess energy that has been building up inside of them for the entire day, until Andy takes a peek at the watch. It is way past their usual bedtime, and they are going to be fussy and very hard to handle come morning.

“Okay, mister ‘Just let them have a few more candies’, I am going to leave bedtime to you tonight.” Andy announces to her husband. As the two kids hear the word bedtime, they turn around quickly. They both have disappointed looks on their faces, but Andy can see the sugar rush fading off, and the tiredness taking its place on their two little bodies.

“Alone?” Robert asks, his eyes wide open in terror. It is usually a task the two of them tackle together, having two kids at the same age, neither of them being exactly easy.

Andy presses her mouth against his ear and whispers seductively “I have a treat for you. Or a trick, depends on how you want to look at it.”

She can see him swallow hard, see his Adam's apple bob and his eyes widen, and with that she is up from her chair and tries to make her way up to their bedroom. He is quick to grab her by her wrist, and she loses her balance, landing down on his lap, making a sound of surprise as she lets out the air in her lungs . “A treat, uh?” He asks. His lips find hers, and they kiss, even though neither of them forgets their kids are there to watch even for a second.

“Can you please stop doing that?” Luke asks, the same expression of disgust on his face again. Their kids are not too excited about the public displays of affection their parents share from time to time, to say the least, even though they are supposed to be used to it by now.

“No.” His mother answers, but detached herself from her husband nonetheless. “Don’t forget to take them out of their costumes and to make sure they brush their teeth.” She leans back in, whispering low enough so only he will be able to hear her. “Come to our bedroom only when you are sure they are asleep, lock the door and keep your costume on.” Andy gives him her list of orders. She places another peck to his cheek and raises up, walking to her children.

As she lowers herself to be at their eye level, Andy can see their faces are covered with chocolate, their little teeth stained brown. Good. That will keep Robert busy long enough for her to put on all the different pieces of clothing and to do her hair in the right manner. “Daddy is going to put you to bed tonight, so promise me you will be good to him.” Andy requests, and the two nod their heads. “Good night princess.” Andy kisses Ray’s cheek. “Good night, little monkey.” She kisses her son’s cheek, and adds a tickle to his belly, just for good measures.

“I am not a monkey, I am a Jedi!” The boy protests, giggling. As Andy lets him go and makes her way to the stairs, she gives her daughter one last glance. The girl made her way to Robert, and now she reaches her arms up in the air toward him. He knows what she wants in a second, and lifts the girl up like she weighs nothing at all, then places her on his lap. Robert kisses the girl, who immediately looks content in her father’s arms, and lifts his gaze up to his wife.

Andy sees Robert nodding at her, and then she disappears up the stairs, where they can’t see her anymore, and she can’t see her family. .

Andy goes through her closet, looking for the bag she hid in the back a few weeks back, when her costume arrived in the mail. She has a hard time keeping her clever plan out of Robert’s eyes, and he had his suspicions from time to time, but Andy managed to dismiss them all. She has never been too keen on Halloween, so when she told him she is not going to play along with that whole family costume madness they had going around the entire month of October, he believed her.

Andy enters the bathroom right next to the master bedroom, and locks the door, just in case he decides to come look for her, or he will manage, with the help of some kind of magical power, to put the kids to bed before she has a chance to get herself ready.

It is an elaborate costume, one that leaves very little room for imagination. She starts with her hair, wrapping it around in two buns, one on each side of her head. She takes her time, twists and pins every part to place, but using just the absolutely necessary amount of pins, so it would be easy enough for her to take it out when he will ask her to.

She knows he loves her hair to be down when they are in bed together. He likes to run his fingers through it, he likes to twirl a piece of her hair around his finger when they lie in the afterglow. On occasions, on nights they fight over the control, he likes to wrap her hair around his wrist and hold onto it, lightly maneuvering her head so he will have just the right angle to her neck, or to her jaw. The thoughts of those nights, the nights when his eyes are dark with lust but she refuses to give in, the thought of the times they bite and scratch and inflict pain upon each other until they find their release… It makes her head spin, it makes her hot and bothered. If she will keep that vivid image in her mind much longer, she might be ready for him before he will even have to touch her.

They don’t engage in that kind of activity often since they became parents. Sure, they have a healthy sex life, but it isn’t the same hot, dangerous, wild encounters they used to have, the ones who left them breathless, sometimes bleeding, and occasionally in a need them to replace an item in the house that got in the middle of their heated make out sessions.

He likes her hair to be down, but the costume won’t be complete without Princess Leia’s unique hairstyle, and she can’t forfeit on it. They will be able to handle it later, when she will be out of the two piece costume, and he will shed his, too.

As her hands move to the other side of her head, twisting her hair and trying to get in to be as close to what she did just a few minutes before, there is a lump in her stomach. What if he won’t like it?

Andy shakes that thought out of her head as soon as it creeps it’s way there. She knows her husband is attracted to her, as attracted as he was when they shared their first kiss. Her body isn’t the same as it was, carrying two babies in one pregnancy definitely has its toll, but he swears to her that he wants her just the same, if not more. Stretch marks and all.

She stares at her handiwork when she is done, moving her head from side to side carefully to see if the buns are somewhat even. She is not a hairdresser by any means, but as far as she is concerned, she did quite a good job getting her hair to look as close as one possibly can to the character from the 1983 movie.

Next up is her costume. She takes out the two pieces, and gives them a once over, a little bit scared, as if she is afraid they are going to come to life all of a sudden and eat her alive.

She puts the top part on first. It isn’t so bad, resembling some kind of a bikini top in gold and red, but a bit more revealing than what she would normally wear when she goes to the beach or to the pool. The bottom part of her outfit is up next, a golden underwear with a burgundy colored fabric attached to it, which reveals quite a lot of leg and can’t exactly be considered as a skirt.

After she is done getting dressed, she gives herself another once over in the mirror. Her stomach is exposed, and there is chill going up and down her naked arms. She feels sexy, she feels mischievous, she feels alive, a way she hasn’t felt in a very long time, as their routine consists mainly of work and taking care of their kids and the house, leaving very little time for anything else.

Andy sits on the edge of the large bathtub, thumping her heel up and down nervously, the worry creeping back in again. Maybe it was all a mistake. She thought this could spice things up a bit, could make him all giddy and excited, make them feel a little bit like the couple they were six years ago, only if for a night. But as she waits to hear his footsteps walking into the bedroom, and the soft sound of the bolt as it clicks, letting her know the door is locked, she feels anticipation, one that is mixed with anxiety.

“Babe?” Andy can hear her husband calling for her. She jumps up from the spot she sits in and straights down her outfit, makes sure nothing got wrinkly in her wait.

“You locked the door?” Andy asks softly, her voice shaking a bit.

“Yeah…” She can hear his answer coming from the other side of the door, now that he finally found out where she was hiding while he had to make sure the children wore their pajamas and waited for the two of them to be fast asleep .

“Good. Now climb up the bed and close your eyes.” She orders. She gives him a few moments to fulfill her request, then twists the key in its hole and opens the door just enough to be considered a crack, so she can get a good look at him. He is lying on his back, his limbs sprawled, his eyes shut close tight.

He is as handsome as ever, even with his clothes still on, and Andy can’t hold herself back from biting her lower lip and exiting the bathroom slowly.

She walks toward him, climbs up the bed and moves on top of him, placing each of her knees on different sides of his hips. She covers his eyes with her hand, just to make sure he is not trying to sneak a peek.

“Andy, what is this all about?” Robert asks.

She takes a deep breath in, then lets it out slowly through gritted teeth.

Show time.

The hand that covers his eyes disappears, and Robert blinks twice to get adjusted, even though the room is only dimly lit. His eyes scan her appearance, head to toe, swallowing her whole. He makes sure he doesn’t leave anything out of his sight, makes sure he burns the picture of her in that costume deep into his memory.

When Andy sees her husband is left with his mouth half open and completely speechless, she smiles slyly. “You like what you see?” She asks.

“Andy…” He breathes out her name, but before he has a chance to say anything further, her finger is on his lips, hushing him, holding him from voicing another word.

“It is Princess Leia for you.” She corrects.

“Oh really?” Robert raises a brow at her direction, teasing. “I thought it is supposed to be Rachel.” He refers to a certain TV sitcom the both of them enjoy watching together when the kids are fast asleep.

“You are so funny.” Andy answers, and lowers herself down to kiss her husband. Unlike the kiss they shared when their kids were still around, this one heats up quickly. Andy grabs his shirt as her tongue slides in, searching for his. They kiss and they kiss, her eyes shut close, her entire self is dedicated to the sensation he inflicts when he bites down on her lower lip.

She moves a little bit up his body, so she is pressed snug against the very present bulge in his pants, even if her knees are already aching, and her entire body feels like it is about to give in. “So you do like what you see, don’t you?” She inquires, and leans back to catch his lips in another kiss.

“Wait, wait.” Robert begs, placing his hands gently on her arms and pushes her away. Andy pouts, her heart pounding, her cheeks catching a slight tint of red. Maybe he is not in the mood for sex. Maybe he is tired, and after an evening of running around and trying to keep up with their sugar fueled kids, she can understand it if he would like to call it a night, rather than start something that will probably keep them awake for much longer, especially due to the fact that their kids need to attend school tomorrow, and they have to show up at the station.

“Is something wrong?” Andy asks, hesitantly.

“It is just the door. What if they wake up in the middle of the night and need us?” Robert asks, his voice filled with concern.

“Babe…” Andy whispers, caressing his cheek with her thumb, trying to ease his mind. “They are not six months old anymore. They sleep through the night, and they know that if they feel sick or something happens, they should just call our names and we will hear them. When we will be done, we can unlock the door, but we won’t have any fun if you will keep that grumpy expression on your face.” She has that sly smile back on her lips now.

“What if they will hear us?” Robert raises another concern.

“Well, in that case…” Andy whispers, but instead of finishing the thought, her mouth finds his neck, and she starts to kiss there, letting her tongue out to lick his pulse point. “You will have to keep it down as much as you possibly can.” She sucks then, hard, hard enough for him to throw his head back and for his fingernails to dig into the flesh of her thighs, easily in his reach thanks to the slit in the red fabric.

He mutters a silent ‘Fuck’, and Andy knows he wants to say more, he wants to be louder, but can’t, not when their children are sleeping down the hall, not when they might as well still be awake, for all that they know.

“And of course, I am going to make it as hard for you as possible not to scream out my name.” She teases. Andy tugs his shirt at the hem, and he understands immediately, sitting up so she will be able to pull it completely over his head and throw it across the room. She runs her fingernails up and down his abs softly, slowly, exploring every piece of skin with her hand and her eyes as if they have all the time in the world.

Andy leans down to give him another kiss, her eyes closed, her head spinning from the endless turns this night can take.

She doubted herself earlier, thought he won’t be into the little role play she put together, but by the way he bites, by the way his breaths become heavy and he starts to move uncomfortably beneath her, she knows he enjoys the little game they are playing.

Andy thrusts her hips forward slowly, teasingly. She does it again, and again, and when she moves herself on top of him for the fourth time, Robert decides he has had enough, so he grabs her by the waist and flips her over.

Before Andy has a chance to gather her thoughts and understand what is going on, she is facing the ceiling, and then he is on top of her, his smug smile is back in her eyesight. “No way.” Andy uses her the most threatening voice she can come up with, but it gains her nothing, not when he pins her entire body to the mattress using just enough of his weight, in a manner that holds her down good, but still allows her to breathe.

“Oh, but I thought you are supposed to be a princess.” Robert points out the obvious. He has much space to work with, considering the fact her costume covers almost nothing. He starts with the swells of her breasts, licking, biting wherever he possibly can.

“What does the fact that I am a princess has to do with any of this?” Andy breaths out as he moves down to her belly. She is disappointed, hoping he would take her bra down, or at least move it to gain access to more of her breast. Instead, he seems to ignore it completely, and only touches the parts that are already exposed.

“Just sit back, and enjoy the royal treatment.”

“I can’t believe I married you.” Andy giggles. “You are just too much sometimes.” He knows that one exact spot, the one near her belly button, where she is extremely sensitive and ticklish, and he grazes his teeth just on that spot, which makes Andy squirm and laugh even louder.

So much for keeping it down to not wake the kids.

“Too late to regret that decision now.” Robert states. He pulls down her entire bottom part with one, swift move, and Andy is pretty sure he ripped the fabric along the way.

Oh well. It isn’t as if she ever planned to wear this costume again.

Robert slips a finger inside of her, teasing her with his light touch and not enough friction. Andy sighs softly as he moves the finger inside of her, closing her eyes and letting herself bath in the feeling of the foreplay.

“I barely touched you, but yet, you are almost ready.” He breaths. Her eyes are shut close, but she can imagine how he looks at the moment well enough. His eyes dark with lust, his chest raising and falling, his face flustered. “Did you touch yourself when you were locked in that bathroom?” He asks.

Andy can’t speak when he inserts another finger, starting to raise the pace up, little by little, so she just shakes her head stating that no, she hasn’t done anything of that sort. “I just…” She breathes out. Her entire body is pulsing, aching, waiting for something more, something that will drive her crazy and push her over the edge.

“Use your words.” Robert coaxes. He stills his hand inside of her, and it is him again, Andy knows that much. Teasing, torturing Robert, the man who takes pleasure in making her wait, in keeping her just at the edge of having an orgasm, but not quite there. She used to hate it, used to scream and fight her way thinking it will give her the desired release. But he hasn’t used that voice for a long time, never really took his time around her, and where once was anger, now there is anticipation bubbling low in her belly.

“I… I didn’t touch myself, I waited for you.” Andy promises, then whimpers when he takes the hand out of her completely. “I just thought about the time we had sex on the sofa, and I accidently kicked a lamp and we were fucking each other in a middle of a broken glass mess.”

“If my memory doesn’t betray me, we went pretty hard on each other that night, didn’t we?” Robert whispers.

Andy can feel him hovering above her, knows he is about to do something, anything, but right now, she feels nothing but his tickling, warm breaths against her bare stomach. It drives her mad, the waiting, the unknown, her entire body tenses up as the seconds pass and the air seems to be charged with electricity.

Then he tugs down the top of her costume and takes the nipple of her left breast in between his teeth, sucking hard.

Andy lets out a scream, can’t help it, doesn’t have a moment to think before he releases his catch and moves up to the other, licks his way across the valley between her breasts, then gives the other nipple the exact same treatment the first one got. “I thought you said we have to keep it down as best as we can.” Robert teases when he is finally done, uses her own words against her.

His hand finds her nipples, and even though they are slippery, and he doesn’t quite manage to have the same pinch his teeth did, it does the trick for her, and soon she is wiggling beneath him, searching for something to give her friction between her legs. “More.” She begs.

“Move to the edge of the bed.” Robert orders. It makes the knot in her belly tighter, the thought of what is about to come, and she positions herself just in the right manner so he could have the exact access he needs as he kneels on the floor in front of her.

“You know, for someone who resisted when I flipped her over, you seem pretty content with me having my way around you now.”

“Robert, I think that mouth of yours should be put to much better use than talking.” She answers, her throat dry, her voice hoarse. She links her ankles behind his back, prompting him to move closer to her, to put his lips and his teeth and his tongue exactly where she needs them to be.

If one of the kids is going to search for their parents now, she is going to die, embarrassed and unsatisfied.

Then he touches her just in the right spot, and her mind goes black, every thought disappearing from her head like magic. He sucks on her clit, and she thrusts her hips forward, looking for more. More friction, more pressure, more of everything he is able to give her. He does it again, then his tongue comes out, licking, and Andy can feel the pleasure starting to build low in her stomach. His fingers find their way into her, and they are pumping, moving, adding another kind of feeling to the mix.

“I… I want you inside of me.” Andy whispers, finding the words barely in the haze that is her mind. He can make her come using his hand and his lips, and he usually does, usually makes the pleasure wash over her, then he does it again, while he rocks inside of her, or she moves on top of him. She doesn’t know why, but tonight is different, and she wants more, needs more. She doesn’t want to wait even a second longer before he is inside of her, filling her in, stretching her muscles out.

He doesn’t stop, keeps working her out the way he previously did, thinking her request was just another part of their game of control. Andy manages to push herself up to a sitting position, and places her hands on his bare shoulders. “Robert, please.” Andy pleads.

He looks up at her, and when he does, she can see how much he loves her, after all those years, and it is stronger than words could ever express, louder than they can ever be sound.

He rips his pants off faster than the speed of light, and then he climbs on top of her, ready to push himself inside.

“What are you doing?” Andy inquires. She slips under him and makes him turn around, until she is the one to be on top of him. “As you said before, I am a princess. I need a throne to sit on.” She teases. She leans forward, their kiss is sloppy, filled with tongue and desire. His fingernails push down hard on her skin, in a manner she is sure will leave crescent marks on her thighs, as he encourages her to sink into him.

She does just that, takes him in fully, until he is balls deep inside of her and she can feel him all the way to that deep spot inside of her she really, really likes. It feels good, so good, even when she is completely still, even as she is still getting adjusted.

If it was up to her, they would have been in this position, having him snug between her legs, every night. And maybe all it takes is for her to initiate it, to do something that will help them get started.

They seemed to find their rhythm pretty easily after that.

She starts to move on top of him, slowly at first, then picks up the pace, just like she knows he likes, just in the way that makes his eyes roll and his head fall back, the way that makes him thrust his hips up to the rhythm she dictates. His thumb finds her clit, and in a moment she is back to where she used to be before, so close to finding her release.

“Faster.” Andy begs, and Robert understands immediately. He moves his thumb faster, thrust his hips harder, and in the moment the pleasure washes over her, wave after wave of complete bliss taking over her body. He is quick to follow, needs a few more sharp moves to get himself to the finish line.

The room is filled with a faint smell of sweat and the sounds of their heavy panting. She doesn’t move, even when she can feel him going limp inside of her.

“Andy, we need to clean up.” Robert whispers. He pushes himself up with his hands and places a soft kiss to her forehead, before he picks her up and moves her off of him carefully.

“That’s it? You got laid and now you are going to disappear?” Andy jokes. She crawls between the blankets, feeling satisfied and content, reluctant to leave their little bubble.

“Never.” He promises her seriously, and then places another soft kiss, this one to her lips. “I have an idea, though, but you have to get dressed first.”

Her curiosity takes the better part of her, and she rolls out of bed. She is a mess, her hair in a weird shape, looking nothing like the do she had on earlier, and she still has the top part of the costume on, even though it covers nothing at this point.

“Sorry.” Robert speaks when he sees her struggling to get the piece off of her. “I didn’t quite know how to take it off, so I just left it there.” He chuckles. It is a warm, low chuckle, and it does something to Andy, shifts something inside of her, and she is tempted to sit on the edge of the bed, spread her legs and order him to finish what he started earlier.

She does no such thing, even though she knows he will happily obey if she just requests so, just fumbles with the golden material until it finally gives in and she is able to take it off. She gets herself clean quickly, then pulls one of her husband’s T-shirts down her body, and adds a pair of shorts, before she undoes her hair in a few quick moves, which results in her hair falling down her shoulders in waves.

“I missed this.” Robert whispers as he unlocks the door. He runs his fingers through her soft locks, and then he leans in to kiss her.

The kiss is chaste, too chaste, and before she knows it, Andy doesn’t have the warmth of his body against hers, doesn't have his lips as they melt into hers.

“Come on.” He takes her hand in his. They tiptoe down the stairs, feeling like thieves in their own house. They try to keep it down as much as possible, especially as they walk past the kids’ bedrooms, but when Robert hits a wall in the darkness, Andy can’t help but laugh, then covers her mouth with her free hand.

When they reach the living room, Robert turns on one of the lights, just enough for them not to stumble around in complete darkness. Then he eyes whatever is left of the kids’ candy stack, and Andy understands immediately.

“Oh no, we can’t do this to them.” Andy tries to make her husband think through his plan again.

“You are supposed to eat after you have sex, you know.” Robert tries to excuse the fact that he makes his way toward the two buckets and goes through their content until he finds the Hershey Kiss he was looking for. “We lost a lot of calories. It was quite the workout.”

“It hardly counts as food.” Andy looks at the kiss he just hands her.

“Just one chocolate each. They won’t even feel they are missing any.”

“Fine.” Andy huffs and unwraps hers.

“Cheers.” Robert offers, clicking his chocolate with hers, then pushing it into her mouth instead of his. Andy is taken by surprise, but bounces up rather quickly, and bites his thumb seductively when he lets his fingers out of her mouth. She does the same for him, and in a moment they find themselves sprawled on the couch, tangled with each other, feeding one another chocolate from their children’s trick or treat haul. 

“We will make it up to them.” Andy tries to justify as she slides her hand back into Ray’s bucket.

“We will.” Robert agrees, then leans in to kiss his wife once again.


	13. Her Safest Place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a little birthday surprise for someone really special (and you know who you are) Happy happy birthday! I wish you all the best, you deserve it, and this one is for you. Rated M for loads of smut, and I don't think I even need to say what episode this is taken from. Hope you enjoy this and leave a review if you feel like it.

Yesterday she shut a door in his face, quite literally distancing herself from him, putting a barrier to separate between the two of them.

Yesterday she shut the door to her bunk in his face, when he was at his lowest, when he confessed his love for her and told her he needed her to help him pull himself out of whatever dark place he is in right now.

But that was yesterday, and today is oh so different. Today she watched a group of eight riders meet their death because one man decided to drown his sorrow in a bottom of a vodka bottle, and then hit the road in an early morning hour. Today she placed a black tag, lifeless body after lifeless body, for what felt like forever, losing battle after battle. She witnessed a single survivor making it out of the accident by the skin of his teeth. She watched her entire team, herself included, standing there, frozen, none of them able to come up with the words to break it to him that everyone else was dead.

His second family, the one he chose, the one that in many cases became the first, just as she thinks of every single one of the members of her station.

Days like today change her.

Andy can tell herself she has grown a thick skin by now all she wants. She has seen her fair share of blood and disasters, of people she could not save and family members on their knees, mourning the loss of a loved one. But the armor she has built around herself to protect her from other’s pain can only take her so far, and today was one of the days that crawl deep. Deep under the thick skin it has taken her years upon years to grow and straight into her heart.

And as she sits at Joe’s, sipping on her beer, it finally hits her, even though that isn't the metaphor she would have chosen after the horrors she had witnessed today.

Life is short, and seeing tomorrow’s sunrise is not guaranteed. Not to her, not to anyone . And she is tired. She is tired of meaningless sex and leaving a trail of broken heart behind her, hers included in the mix. She is tired of shoving her feelings so deep down her throat she is constantly afraid she might choke on them. She is tired of holding on to that grudge when happiness is right in her reach, and the only thing she has to do is take it in between her hands and never let it go.

Her happiness, or at least someone she can find happiness with, if she only tries, knocked on her door yesterday, telling her he wanted in, so close yet so far, and she pushed him away.

Because she has been angry for so long, that's all she knows how to do by now. Angry at Maya for using something she confided with her, as a friend, to her personal advantage. Angry at Ryan for dying on her when she begged him to stay, even if she knows it wasn’t his fault. Angry with her dad for keeping his illness from her, treating her with child gloves, like she is too fragile to handle the truth. Angry with Robert, blaming him for everything and anything, even though she knows how much he cares.

And maybe today is the day she finally, finally decides to choose her own happiness instead of all the weight she carries around on her shoulders all the time.

Andy looks at herself in the mirror in the bathroom. She had a shower before she left the station, so there isn’t any remnant of that horrible call on her body, even though she knows this one is going to scar her heart for a long time.

She splashes a bit of cold water on her face, then turns around to exit the bar, her legs taking her to where she needs to be in the moment. In the arms she is certain will keep her safe and sound, if only he chooses to accept her, unlike the way she acted just yesterday.

And if he doesn’t, if he turns her away... Well, who can blame him, but she has to try nonetheless.

She meets Jack right as she is about to head out. “Hey, are you okay?” He asks.

“Probably not.” She answers honestly, tilting her head to one direction, placing her hands in the back pockets of the jeans she is wearing. “You?”

“No.” His answer is the same. “Do you wanna blow off some steam?”

It is so easy to fall back into that place, into the familiar and the comfortable, instead of jumping into the unknown. And it is Jack, and they know each other so well, and his bedroom is right across from hers. It is fun and easy and has no strings attached, at least on her side, even though she isn’t sure she can say the same regarding the man who stands in front of her.

But for the first time in her life she knows what she wants, and it isn’t this.

“I… It’s too messy.” She comes up with an excuse.

Because what can she say to him? That she is in love with her battalion chief? The same man who broke her heart countless times before? That she is so in love with him, everything she has ever felt toward any other man in her life seems small now and insignificant? That it is Robert’s arms she wishes will hold her tonight, if he wants the same?

“I thought we were trying to help each other.” He pushes, relentless, and all she wants to do is head out of this stuffy bar and never look back. “You were helping me stay away from dangerous women, I was helping you feel something other than anger.”

“You are… You did.” She corrects herself. “I do.” She says, because it is true, even though the man she feels deeply for is not the same man who stands in front of her. “Thank you.” Andy places a kiss on his cheek, then adds, as if in an afterthought. “Be good?”

Because she is not in love with him, but he is still one of the closest friends she has, and she would hate it if he gets himself into trouble just because she is not there to keep her open eye on him.

“Never.” Jack replies, and Andy knows he will take care of himself.

And then she leaves, crosses the bar in a few long strides, muttering a “See you” to her two coworkers who sits by the table she abandoned as she grabs her coat, and climbs up the stairs.

Her body knows what her mind doesn’t have time to catch up to, and she doesn’t hesitate before her fingers run across the screen of her phone, typing in the address to his house into the navigation app, one she didn’t even realize she remembers by heart until now. She has paid a few visits to his house after the aid car accident, when he needed a few things while he was in rehab, and apparently, her body remembers what her mind has long forgotten.

The commute is quite short, he doesn’t live too far away from the station, but there is still time for doubt to occupy her mind, and she isn’t as determined as she was before she left the familiar and safe bar. Before everything has become so real that it makes her tummy turn into itself in anticipation mixed with anxiety.

He is in love with her, he told her so just yesterday, but sometimes love is not enough to forgive and forget someone else's mistake, and the thought of him shutting the door in her face, just like she did to him yesterday, starts creeping in, even though she does everything in her power to keep it away.

She holds onto the steering wheel even after she parks her car right in front of his house, grips it so hard her knuckles turn white.

Then she heads out, and she is in front of his door, and she can’t regret it, won’t allow herself to back away from the man who can make her so happy, even if she might come out heartbroken on the other side.

She brushes her hair back with one of her hands, on an instinct, as the other is shoved deep into the pocket of her coat, trying to keep herself warm as much as possible.

And then she knocks frantically on the door, before she has a chance to change her mind, before she has an opportunity to hesitate and slip right back to her car, disappearing.

Andy paces a bit on his threshold, waiting for him to answer, and releases all the air from her lungs as she does. Then he opens the door, looking confused, as if he isn’t used to having the unannounced company, and she starts to speak, even though she doesn’t have any idea as to what she is saying, didn’t plan that much so far in advance.

“I don’t want to fight anymore. I don’t want to fight my dad, I don’t want to fight you. I am so tired, and sad, and sick of being angry. And I just want to feel, and to be in a safe place, and I don’t know how or why, and I… I can’t explain it, but you are the safest place I have. And everything would be okay for the first time in a really long time if you would just start kissing me, now. So…” Fortunately for her, he stops her with his lips on hers, because frankly, she didn’t have much left to say in order for him to take her in his arms and kiss her with all the fire he has inside of him.

He has one hand in her hair as they stumble blindly into his house, their eyes shut close and their lips locked tight together, her hands gripping his face. She kicks the door closed with one of her legs after she enters, and then he shoves her against it. His tongue traces her lower lip, asking for entrance, one she is happy to grant. Then the kiss they share becomes something heated, something filled with tongue and desire and teeth biting on lips, fighting over for control neither of them is willing to forfeit.

He tastes like one of the fruit smoothies he adores so much, and smells like he has just gotten out of the shower, like masculine body-wash and fabric softener and something she can’t really put her finger on, but is intoxicating, filling her senses and makes her head spin slowly.

And it is good, so good, as good as the only other kiss they shared was, if not better, because she has a feeling that after everything they have been through, he is not going to push her away, not now, not anymore.

Her hands slide under the black sweater he is wearing, her fingernails making eight parallel lines across his abs, but instead of pulling him closer, she pushes him away, only a bit, only until she is able to look at him properly.

She wants to savor it, every moment of everything that is going to happen between them today.

His eyes are hooded with desire, his lips turning into a pout as he feels her putting some distance between the two of them, who are otherwise pressed against each other, body to body, so close nothing and no one can come between them. “Hey.” She whispers, only now understanding she stormed in and announced her feelings without even letting out as much of a hello.

“Hey.” He returns, and the grin on his face so big it stretches from ear to ear.

She has never seen him smiling like that, and she thinks that he might just be as happy with the big swing she decided to take, for a change. He looks at her with those big dark eyes, which have so much emotion in them ,and she can see in them all the things he can’t put into words. Not yet.

Or maybe those are feelings that run so deep they still have yet to come up with words for them, not in English or in any other of the five languages he speaks.

He closes the distance between them, but this time his mouth flutters all across her face, starting from her forehead, down to her right eyebrow and to the curve of her nose, placing soft, butterfly kisses everywhere he can reach, as she likes to call them. Soft, tender kisses, ones she feels only barely on her skin, but feels deeply in the butterflies that now spread all across her belly.

And she is grinning like a love struck high school kid. And she can’t help it, but even if she could, she isn’t sure she would want that smile to disappear off her face.

“Can we just take it slow this time?” Andy breaths out as his small kisses move from her face to her jaw, and then travel down her neck. “I want to enjoy this, and last time making our way in the speed of light didn’t quite work in our favor.”

“Whatever you are comfortable with.” He reassures her, but then he moves away, even if she can still feel his warm breath tickling down her throat. “I am sorry about that time, I really am. I didn’t mean to hurt you, and I hope you believe me when I said it kills me to know I was the reason for the dark cloud you have been carrying around you, or at least a part of it.”

Andy slips one of her hands out of his shirt and raises it to his face, tracing a circle with her thumb across his jawline in a manner she hopes is soothing. “Robert, if I didn’t know that, I wouldn’t be here.” She reassures him. “But can we just enjoy ourselves now and save all the talking for later?”

Robert nods, then slips his hands into the belt loops in her jeans, pulling her impossibly closer to him. “Bedroom?” He asks, quite hesitantly, afraid to assume anything, even if she doesn’t mind him assuming as much. Not at all.

“Yeah.” Andy whispers. He helps her take off her coat, and when he goes to place it on the rack she suddenly misses the warmth of his body pressed against hers, even though he made exactly two steps away from her.

She doesn’t have to wait long before his hands are back on her body, creeping their way slowly down her backside until he pulls her closer, his hands lingering low even after she is back to being pressed tightly against him, this time not having the door to lean against. “You are quite fond of my ass, aren’t you?” It is more of an observation than a question, yet she still raises a suggestive brow at his direction, waiting for his answer.

“Among other things, yes.” He confesses quite sheepishly.

“And what exactly are those other things?” She teases. One of his hands leaves her backside and travels up to her face, finding a piece of her hair and twirling it gently around his finger.

“It will be no fun at all if I just say everything right now.” He pouts mockingly, which turns into a smile in no time. “No, I think I am going to leave it to you to find out.”

The hand that was in her hair travels forward now, and he laces his fingers with hers. She releases her fingers from his grip and opens her palm, pressing it against his hand. It looks so tiny compared to his, and she bites her lower lip and she lets their fingers entwine back together. Robert's thumb brushes across her wrist, moving back and forth in a way she never thought could be charged with so much sexual tension.

They stay like that, immersing themselves in the moment, still standing by the door, knowing exactly what is to come next, but neither of them feels the need to rush it.

They have all the time in the world today, after all, and the entire place to themselves. There is no need to pretend or to hide.

They can be just them, Andy and Robert, just like that, two people in love with each other, and for the day, neither of them carries the weight of the world on their shoulders.

“You do want to explore everything.” He breaths, and she nods, even though she knows it wasn’t a question.

Andy has a feeling she is going to regret that.

“Robert.” She breathes out his first name, even though the last time she let herself use it, she was heartbroken and angry. This time is different, though, filled with want and desire, and when he only hums softly to the sound of his name that barely passes her lips, she continues. “Take me to the bedroom.”

He kisses her softly again, and mumbles “For the road.”, as if they are going to separate from each other for weeks on end, and not the short minute it takes to make it up the stairs. That earns him a smile, and her heart suddenly feels warm as she knows she did the right thing by opening up to him and letting him in.

Robert’s soft hold on her fingers never breaks as they make their way up the stairs. His steps are larger than hers, being much taller, but he takes his time, making sure she doesn't fall behind him and sneaks a glance back in her direction more often than necessary.

They find themselves in his bedroom in no time and all, and she stands on her tiptoes in order to wrap her arms around his neck. Her fingers find his nape, and she digs her nails into his skin a little bit, in a manner she knows won’t hurt, not with the short fingernails her line of works requires.

He does nothing, just closes his eyes and leans into her touch, and by the way he inhales deeply she thinks he is trying to breath her in.

“Stop that.” She warns, but he doesn’t listen, just drops his head closer to her and nuzzles his nose into her neck. It makes her giggle, the way he holds himself so seriously as his nose tickles the delicate skin on her pulse point, which does nothing to help her case when she says “I mean it, stop it!”

He helps her out of the sweater she wears, throwing it down on the floor. She wears a simple bra, nothing sexy, nothing that says she came here with the intention to end up in her underwear.

Maybe she should have stopped by the apartment she shares with Jack for a quick change of clothing, picking something more revealing, something that is all black lace. She had a feeling that if she did, if she had the time to stop and really think things through, she wouldn’t have found herself where she is now, in his arms, under his gaze.

Although, by the way his eyes skim over her body, over her newfound bare arms and belly, taking his time especially across the swells of her breasts, she thinks the underwear she wears is the least important thing on the list of things that occupy his brain right now.

She kicks her shoes and her socks off as he watches, doesn’t tear his gaze from her for even a minute. “Swallowed your tongue, Sullivan?” Andy teases as she watches his Adam's apple bob.

“Oh no, it would be a shame if I did. This tongue is going to be of much use today.” He bites back. She has never imagined him to be the kind of man who likes dirty talking in his bedroom, who likes to tease with his words.

She guesses she is going to learn many new things about him today.

They make their way to the bed, and Andy uses the moment to rid him from the black sweater he is wearing, too. It’s a fair game they are playing, after all. He sits on the edge of the bed, and she straddles him ,sitting with one of her legs on either side of him.

Her mouth finds his in a moment, as they kiss slowly, taking their sweet time. When she shifts her weight forward in a slow thrust of her hips, she can feel the bulge in his pants tight between her legs.

This is going to be fun.

“Lie back.” She orders, and he does just that, lowering himself until his back hits the mattress. She takes a long moment to just soak in his shape, tilts her head and lets her tongue out just a little as her eyes wander back and forth across his abs, his chest, his clavicle, his arms. He spends a lot of his free time at the gym, she knows that much, but she didn’t remember him to be that fit the last time he has taken his shirt off for her.

“Swallowed your tongue, Herrera?” He uses her own words against her.

She lets one finger travel across his body, outlining the muscles on his chest, and every single one of his abs, she traces lower, as low as she can possibly get without taking his pants off, then lets out a “Say it again. I dare you.” as she feels his breath becoming heavy under her touch.

She undoes the button of his jeans, but if she wants to take care of the zipper too, she will need to climb off him, and she is not ready for that, not yet. She just fumbles with the button, feeling the anticipation grow deeper in her lower abs. He pushes himself up on his hands and presses a soft kiss to her lips as he flips her over, and now she is the one to lie on her back, her eyes fixated on the ceiling.

“Is that okay?” He asks as he reaches his hand behind her back, and she knows exactly what he plans to do. Andy nods, and arches her back into his touch, giving him more access and letting him know she is more than fine with what he has in mind. He has to fumble a little, his fingers obviously not as well trained, but when he finally manages to unclasp her bra, he lets out a triumphant “Yes”, like he has figured out some really complex math problem, and didn’t do an action she does on the daily.

His stare fixates on her breasts immediately, gazing longingly, making her nipples two hard, dark peaks. She needs him to touch, needs him to do something that will elevate the aching sensation in her breasts, but when his kisses find her hairline, of all places, she sighs his name with as much anger as she can master.

“I will get there, don’t worry.” He promises as presses a kiss to the bridge on her nose, then to the coroner of her mouth, without her needing to explain what she wants.

“Will that be before or after I explode?” She bites, and it makes him chuckle into the skin of her neck. He doesn’t answer that, just keeps his journey down to her collar bone. When she thinks it might be the moment he will finally do what she needs him to do, when she closes her eyes shut tightly and bunches the sheets between her fists, he just slides his tongue down the valley between her breasts, making a wet trail in his wake.

“Please.” She begs. His mouth slides under her right breasts, and then he bites the soft, warm skin there. She whimpers, then moans, can’t help it when he sucks down hard on her skin. “That will… That will leave a mark.” She breathes out, barely able to find the words. Her nipples are sore now with the lack of attention, to a painful level.

“Are you planning for anyone else to see that area? Cause I would like to have you all to myself from now on, if it wasn’t already clear.”

He lifts his head up, as if he is waiting for her answer to determine his course of action. She is tempted to tell him he will need to learn how to share, curious to see what kind of reaction that might draw out of him, but to be frank, she wants him all to herself, too, and she doesn’t plan on sleep around with anyone else soon, not when she has the one man she wants lying on top of her. “All yours.” Andy promises.

He has two fingers pinching her left peak, and then his thumb moves back and forth on it in circular motions. It makes her let out a scream, makes her arch her back into his hand. “Like that?” He asks, trying to figure out what she likes. Andy bites her lip, her face turning a rosy color as she debates if she should ask him for what she really wants. But she is lying half naked beneath him now, and now is not the time for playing it coy. “Harder.” She requests.

He hesitates just for a second, afraid to do something that will hurt her, but when he pinches the second time, it has definite pain mixed with the pleasure, one that sends a jolt of electricity all the way to her clit. He doesn’t need to ask, knows by the reaction of her body he did just right, and he does it again, and again, until she can’t breath and her head is spinning with the lack of oxygen.

She is a slippery mess between her thighs.

“You know, I don’t usually allow clothes worn outside in my bed.” He hisses, and she knows he is affected by what they are doing, it is clear in the sound of his voice, even if she didn’t touch him at all, not really. He is panting, his breaths short and elaborated, and his voice is low and trembling.

“Then take it off.” She encourages him. All he needed was her confirmation before he unzips her pants. She lies on her back, which means she needs to wiggle quite a bit in order for him to manage to take the jeans off, but he succeeds, eventually, and his pants go out in a swift move right after hers, leaving him wearing black boxers.

His mouth is back on her breasts, his teeth playing in her nipple, biting on occupations in a manner that makes her hiss. “Ass and breasts kind of man.” Andy determines when she finds it in herself to talk again, when the pain is no longer that acute as his mouth travels down lower on her belly.

“Can you blame me?” He asks into her skin, his breath tickling a sensitive spot she didn’t know she had. His tongue dips into her bellybutton, which makes her squirm under him and chuckle, and then he kisses lower, and lower, down her navel and right where the fabric of her low cut underwear meets her skin.

God, she prays she had worn something sexier.

“Will it be okay if I take these off?” Robert asks, making sure she is content with every step he makes.

“Only if you plan on finishing what you started.” Andy teases, even though she is not sure why or how she is still talking. He takes it as a confirmation to move forward, as his thumbs hook at the edge of her underwear and take it off, throwing it into the pile of crumpled clothes right at his feet.

“Oh, I have every intention of following things through.” He promises. He stands up then, straightening himself and watches her from above. Her breasts move with every inhale and exhale, and it catches his gaze, like a deer caught in the headlights. His left hand finds her left thigh, and his fingers travel up, up all the way to where she is already wet. He doesn’t do anything, not really, as he explores the skin right outside of where she needs him. “Smooth.” He notes.

“Please, Robert.” Andy pleads. She was never really the one to beg in the bedroom, but if she is honest with herself, she never really had a partner who liked to take his time around her as much. They usually cut to the chase, and it never bothered Andy, not really, as long she gets her orgasm somewhere in the process.

This, the waiting… She doesn’t know how she feels about it, and all she hopes is that will be worth it at the end.

“Patience.” His voice is combined with some kind of a warning tone, his eyes dark, darker than they usually are as his hand keeps exploring, never touching her quite there. Andy sighs and sinks herself deeper into the mattress, waiting for something, anything to help with the pulsing ache between her thighs. Then he finally, finally slips one long finger through her folds, and her breath catches in her throat as he whispers. “Wet.”

It is not enough, not even close, not when he doesn’t even move the finger inside her, so she manages to mumble “Well, someone here knew how to get me that wet.”

He chuckles, then teases back. “Complementing your way to an orgasm, don’t you? But I will take it.” He sits back between her legs, and then she feels it, the anticipation sitting low in her stomach as she knows what will come next. He has to move his thumb around a little, but he doesn’t take him long before he finds her bundle of nerves and gives it one long and slow stroke. 

It does something to her, makes her thrust her hips up and earns him a loud, encouraging moan. 

“Is it okay if I do this for you?”

“Are you kidding me right now?” Andy asks back, because of course she is fine with it, way more than fine. He is the one who is about to do all the hard work, and all she has to do is lie back and enjoy the feeling of his mouth on her. God, she doesn’t even have to be quiet, there is no one there besides herself and the man whose head is right between her legs in the moment.

He chuckles, and she wonders if her desperation is indeed that funny. Then he gives her one long lick, starting from her clit and ending in her entrance, and her mind goes completely dark, her mouth dry and her thoughts an incomprehensible mess.

“More.” Andy begs, and he does just that, licking her slowly, his teeth nipping at her clit this time. She doesn’t have to ask for anything more while he works her up, little by little, building the pleasure slow and steady inside her belly.

She loves it, loves a man who knows his way around a woman, one she doesn’t have to explain and request everything from. Not that she wants to think about how he learned all those secrets and tricks. No, that will turn her off, so as of this moment she much rather just lie there, her eyes closed shut and every muscle in her body clenched tight as he works her with his tongue and his teeth and his lips.

Then sensation changes when he sucks on her clit, then travels further down between her folds. She is close, really close, she just needs something extra that will help her fall over the edge. “Robert.” She breathes out his name. “I need more pressure there.” She requests. He does just that, his thumb finding her clit again and strokes back and forth, this time faster, in short an intended motion, ones that are now meant to lead her to her release, instead of teasing her. Her own hands find her nipples and pinch, hard, trying to emulate the sensation he inflicted earlier, even though she doesn’t do so as accurately. It still works, still sends zings of pleasure from her clit as she is still working on her breasts, back and forth, over and over again, an electricity she can feel all the way from her curled toes to the base of her skull.

And it is good, really, really, really good, the rare kind of good you experience when someone puts all of his attention on your satisfaction. And God, if she had known he was capable of doing these things with his mouth… Well, she might have come to his office back at the station, sit on his desk and let him eat her out much earlier.

Andy lets out a few whimpering sounds, ones she knows she will be embarrassed by once they are done, by right now, she doesn’t care. It takes just another lap of his tongue for her to come, screaming his name, as she trembles under his touch. He uses his free hand low on her belly, trying to stabilize her as wave after wave of pleasure washes over her body.

He doesn’t stop even as she calms down, just changes the rhythm into something more tolerable and less acute on her still sensitive body.

She has to get up, has to do something for him, can’t imagine how he must feel like after she has found her release, and he didn’t even get touched properly yet.

“Do you have a condom?” Andy asks, letting him know that she wants to see this all the way to the end. She is not the one to sleep around, but he isn’t some random stranger she picked up at a bar. It is Robert, her Robert, the man who makes her laugh, the man who held her when she cried over the inevitable loss of her father. The man who makes her feel, and waiting just seems stupid and useless, especially after today.

“Are you sure that is what you want?” He asks, as if there is any other way this day can end for the two of them.

“Do you want me to walk away now that I had my release?” Andy raises a brow at him, even though it is obvious she won’t do such a thing. He is trying to be considerate and tender, and she appreciate him for that, appreciates him for trying to respect her boundaries as they are still trying to get acquainted with each other bodies, but God, she just wishes he would ditch the talking and fuck her already.

“In the drawer on your right.” Robert points her in the right direction. She pushes her body up all the way to the bed frame, then shoves the items there around until she finds the small foil packet.

She tosses it to him, but right before he is about to rip it open she asks. “Wait, not yet.” He looks at her crookedly, trying to figure out if she is having a change of heart. “Can you come closer, please?” She uses a small, seductive voice.

He hovers on top of her in less than a moment, his face close, and she presses a soft kiss to his lips. She helps him out of his boxers and throws them somewhere over the edge of the bed, and then she takes a minute to just look at him. He is big, long and wide, and she isn’t the kind of woman to measure and engage in comparison, but just by the look of it, he wins over any other man she has ever slept with.

There is a shiver going down her spin as she reaches her hand out, giving the tip a soft brush with her thumb over and over again. It makes him throw his head back, makes him swallow hard. She moves forward now, taking him in her hand and stroking him slowly tip to base.

God, she doesn’t think giving a man a hand job has ever turned her on as it does now, has never made her as hot as she is when she hears the low, primal sound he lets out.

“Andy, if you keep going like this, I won’t be able to hold on long enough.” He warns her. Andy releases her grip, and after he takes a few moments to catch his breath, he rolls the condom on.

“I am on top.” Andy calls, and she thinks he is about to argue, but then he just slides with his back down on the mattress, ready to obey. She places each of her hands on his shoulders, then lowers herself down to kiss him, her back arching in the process. Then she bits down his lip as she sinks into him.

The sensation overwhelms her a bit, being stretched out. It doesn’t hurt, but she feels him deep inside of her as she keeps lowering herself into him, inch by inch. Every muscle in her body burns as she starts to move on top of him, slowly at first, letting him slip almost all the way out, leaving only his tip inside of her before she pushes herself back down.

“Andy.” He groans her name, and it is her sign. She picks up the pace, as he suddenly starts to thrust up towards her, meeting her halfway. His hands come forward, brushing her clit, and there it is again, the steady, quick movement that makes her head spin and her belly clench. She is wet and she is suddenly close, again, really, really close, and she just hopes he has enough stamina in him to keep going, at least until she finds her release again.

The room is filled with the sound of flesh grinding against flesh and their heavy panting, the occasional moan that slips out of their mouths as they rock themselves frantically against each other now. Other than the pleasure and the feeling of his erection deep inside of her, reaching just to the right spot every time, she feels a trail of sweat drops trickling their way down her nape.

Then her fingers dig deep into the skin of his shoulder, leaving half crescent marks, and she doesn’t care if she pains him or not at the moment. She thrusts her hips forward once, twice, and as his thumb presses just at the right time, just at the right spot, she finds her release, her head spinning as she chokingly moans out his name.

He doesn’t take long after her, as if he was waiting for her to finish before he can find his release, too. He is still inside her as the both of them catch their breaths as they come back from their highs.

“That was…” Andy starts. She doesn’t make a habit of petting a man’s ego, but this time it was different, and maybe, just maybe, all those people who called it making love were right. Maybe it is somewhat better if there are feelings involved. Or maybe he is just that good in bed, she isn’t sure.

“I know.” He whispers, like they are sharing a secret only they know and understand.

Or maybe they are sharing a secret now. She has slept with her battalion chief, and to be honest, she doesn’t feel any regret or shame. She feels happy, and satisfied, and she won’t let anyone take it away from her by telling her what she does is wrong and forbidden.

Andy rolls off him, letting him go take care of the condom before he comes back to join her back in bed.

When he slides back in under the covers, Andy finds his chest and uses it as a pillow, propping her head so she would be comfortable enough. His hands find her skin immediately, but his touch is less sexual now, turned into something more domestic and tender. His fingers are on her ribs as he stokes, and she can just purr and snuggle closer to him like a kitten.

She doesn't want to ruin the moment with questions about what the future might hold for the both of them, just wants to soak herself in the here and now and not think at all. She is surprised when he is the one to ask. “Will you spend the night? We can have dinner and watch a movie and drink some wine.” She doesn’t know what time it is, but it can’t be past noon, not when she left the station at 8 am, and she understands that he wants her around. Wants more than sex, even though they will probably go at it again sometimes later, if the ache between her thighs will subside.

“Yeah.” She finds herself saying without giving it a second thought. Her finger finds his collar bone and trails back and forth along the defined line, as she adds. “Will you stay here until I fall asleep? It was a terrible shift, but I am sure you have to get a lot of things ready for our at home date night tonight.” She chuckles into his skin. He doesn’t answer, but rather presses a soft kiss to the top of her head, so she knows he will stay until she is out, and probably even much longer than that.

And just like that, as she lies in the arms of the man she is in love with, somewhere between sleep and wakefulness, for the first time in a very long time, she finds happiness where once, not too long ago, all she could find was anger and resentment.


	14. Day 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! This is a little one shot to hold us until tomorrow's episode. M rated for smut. I know this probably isn't the direction the actual show is going, but my mind went there after I watched the episode, so I decided to write it. Hope you enjoy this and leave my your thoughts if you want to!

There is a trail of cold sweat running down Andy's nape as she wakes up.

Her eyes are still closed shut tight, her breath elaborated as her mind is unwilling to let go of the content of the nightmare she had, even though her body is awake all of a sudden, pulled out of the land of a dreaming in a sharp grip.

She is still in the dream's haze when she searches for him. Her left hand reaches out, trying to find the warm, naked body on the other side of the bed, draped between the sheets. "Robert." She whispers in a voice full of sleep when her hand comes up with nothing as she realizes the bed she is currently in is small, way smaller than the one she shares with him, when his warm body occupies the other side.

When she gets no answer from the man who is supposed to be sound asleep beside her, she finally sits up, blinking as she tries to adjust to the reality and to the pitch black room.

They haven't shared a bed for the last month and a half, she realizes as a chill goes down her spine, and something in her belly twists, makes her feel nauseous. She wants his arms to wrap around her, to make her feel safe, to cast away all the darkness in her like only he knows how to do.

She has to wait another 47 days before she will be able to find comfort in him, and tonight, every single one of these days seems long and exhausting, as she knows the one thing she really wants is just right out in her reach, but she can't grab it.

Andy wipes the single tear that fell on her cheek with the pad of her thumb, counting down from ten to one slowly, as she practiced on that app she uses to calm her nerves. She breathes in, then out slowly, and after a few rounds of that exercise, she doesn't feel like the walls of her small bunk in the station are closing in on her anymore.

She can't find her sleep again after that. She tosses and turns in her bed, too hot, then suddenly too cold, tucking herself under the covers all the way up to her chin, only to kick them away a moment later. She rolls from her back to her stomach to her side, trying to find a comfortable enough position that will allow her to find her way back to sleep, even if not peaceful, even if laced with nightmares. But it seems like she can't be at ease unless her head is propped against his naked chest, using him as a human pillow.

And that's strange, how fast she got adjusted to the mutual routine they shared, and how long it takes her to break out of those little habits, even though the time she has spent with him was oh so short, and a great part of it was draped in a dark cloud of sadness.

It's those little things she misses the most, the ones that in the heat of the moment, she didn't really pay attention to, didn't really take the time to appreciate and soak in. It is only the time without him that makes her miss the way he brushed his fingers through her hair softly. The way he whispered a thousand words of love into her ear when he thought she was sound asleep. The way he sneaked into her early morning showers, claiming they should save some water in the process and rescue the earth.

Andy turns on her belly again, reaches her hand out to look at the time on her phone, plugged in and resting on her little bedside table.

1:47 AM.

When she finally lets the fact that she is not going to get any sleep seep in, she places her bare feet on the ground, feeling the coolness of the tile floor creeping its way up all the way to the base of her skull.

It's a bad idea, but other than stirring in bed all night, that's the only idea she has.

Andy tiptoes her way out of her bunk and into the small bathroom. It's not her shift, so she is free to come and go as she wishes, and after everything, she doesn't give a damn what B shift might think if they see her sneaking out of the station in the middle of the night. Warren decided to quarantine in the station, much like her, but she knows him now, knows he is a heavy sleeper, and there is no way he is going to hear her all the way from his bunk. She brushes her teeth and splashes some cold water over her face, trying to rid herself of that dragging feeling of that bad dream that seems to follow her everywhere she goes. She slips her feet into the first pair of shoes she manages to come across in her locker, and is happy to realize those are the kind that doesn't require any complicated lacing.

She grabs her phone, and her car keys, never bothering with leaving Ben a note or a text explaining where she is headed.

He probably won't want her around anyway, the mantra goes over and over in her head as she makes it running out of the barn and all the way to her car, praying the alarm won't go off as she does. He will probably turn her down, and she will respect it, she promises herself she will, because she wants him to be better, to be whole, and she will be the last person in the world to stand in between him and his much needed recovery.

But she has to try, because some days, more often than not, the way it pains her to go to sleep without him, and waking up without his arms wrapped around her middle and his head in the crook of her neck, makes it feel like someone is stubbing her again and again with a knife straight to her gut.

So she closes the door on the driver's side and switches the gear to drive before she even has a chance to think things through. Only half way to his house, driving almost on an autopilot in Seattle's middle of the week night, quarantine induced empty lanes, does she understand that she didn't bother to change out of her sleeping attire, which, strangely enough, consist of one of his oversized hoodies she is oh so fond off, so he let her hold onto, and those shorts he once claimed her wearing was practically a crime.

But none of this matters, not really. He had seen her dressed in far less, and in far more. He had seen her in her best and in her worst, in her lowest low and her highest high, and he still wants to spend the rest of his life with her.

Her car comes to a stop in front of his house before she has a chance to really think about what she is going to say or do, how she is going to reason her presence in the one place she doesn't belong to, not for the next 47 days, anyway.

So there she stands, out in the night that is still chilly, even though May is already rolling around, and the bare skin of her legs is filled with goosebumps as she stares at the familiar door. The same door he dragged her through, gripping every point of leverage he could find, the day she finally, finally realized she is better living with love in her heart than resentment.

She fumbles with the keys in her hand as she thinks her options through, the one which is going back to her car and driving back to the station becomes more tempting with every moment that passes. Nonetheless, she slips the key to his house that still hangs on her keychain into the hole, turning it until the bolt gives in with a slight click sound.

Deep breath in, then out, then in again, she tells herself as she kicks her shoes off by the door and makes her way up the stairs in the darkened house, climbing on her tiptoes as she tries to make no noise at all. It is ridiculous, she will have to wake him up in a moment to let him know she is there, and that she needs him, because it is not her bed to slip into in the middle of the night, not for now, anyway, not until he will invite her back to share his bed and his life with her in 47 days. Or so she hopes, because she really, really can't imagine being apart from him for any longer than what she absolutely has to.

She opens the door to his bedroom, and makes her way in, watching him in his sleep. He stirs, but over all seems still deep in the land of the dreaming.

She doesn't know when she started crying, but there is a big, fat, silent tear rolling down her cheek, leaving a warm trail there for the others to follow.

God, she missed him.

She debates if she should come any closer, invading his privacy in the middle of the night, and settles on sitting on the edge of his bed, brushing her fingernails lightly across the ankle of his right leg, that always sticks out of the covers.

"Robert." She breathes out his name, something only barely audible, too scared to startle him.

"Hey." He answers back, his voice filled with sleep, his mind probably foggy, because he makes it sound as if she is exactly where she is supposed to be.

And maybe she is.

"Remember when we were at the hospital, and we agreed on taking a break, and you said that if I need you, you will be right here?" Robert hums, and Andy hiccups lightly before she continues. "I need you, Robert. I really, really need you, I need us to be us, to be Andy and Robert, just for tonight, if you don't think it will affect your progress."

"Come here." His words echo through the room before she even has a chance to explain. She does as he asks, climbing onto the king sized bed and placing herself comfortably in the space that once was hers in this bed, that without him, is surely too big only for her.

He spoons her as soon as her head hits the pillow, his hand wrapping around her waist, holding on to her as if his life depends on it, and places a soft kiss in the crook of her neck. It does nothing to subside her tears, and they go down quicker now, salty, burning on the skin of her cheek. She tries to be silent, because her being there, in his arms, is probably hard enough on him anyway, but he hears, of course he does.

Sometimes it feels like when she is in pain, he can feel it deep in his stomach too, like he tries to alleviate some of the ache from her and take it on his shoulders, though she knows he has enough sorrow to last him a lifetime, even without adding hers in the mix.

He nudges her softly, until she lies on her back beside him, her hair spread around her head like an aurora. Then his lips find the tears on her cheeks, and he kisses and kisses, catches them on her jaw line and as they trickle down her neck. Andy closes her eyes, feeling her wet lashes, but no matter what she does, she can't bring herself to stop crying.

"Can you tell me what is it?" Robert asks, and Andy can feel his warm breath tickling on her skin. "Another nightmare?"

He knows her well, too well for her own sake sometimes. Andy nods, and then starts, even though her voice breaks from time to time. "I had this dream. And it was real, too real, and it was that day in September in New York City, but I didn't make it in time to save my dad, and I saw faceless firefighters dragging his body away. And I felt it again, I was the same twelve years old, but this time, instead of driven and focused I felt weak and helpless. And the worst thing is, that she was there, in my dream, and she did nothing to help me, to help him."

"Hey..." He whispers. "You are here now, and you are safe." He promises.

"I came here because of the nightmare." Andy thinks out loud and she raises from the mattress into a sitting position. She wiggles around a little bit, so she will be able to face him when she opens up.

No more secrets. She promised him so, and she has every intention of keeping that promise, as long as he keeps his promise to love her every day for the rest of his life.

She realizes she has no more tears left to cry when she says. "It's about you. I guess I came here to find comfort in you, but seeing you made the dam in my eyes open."

"I don't ever want to be the reason for your tears." He confesses, and it would have sounded a little too much coming from anyone else, but she knows that he is nothing but brutally honest after everything they have been through, after all those long months he was one of the many reasons she walked this earth full of grudge and darkness.

The urge to touch him is too strong for her to resist. He sleeps in his boxers, at nights he doesn't sleep in nothing at all after they shed every piece of clothing from each other's body. She knows that much, knows he is always too hot to wear anything else to bed other than his underwear, even in the winter months. So she reaches her hand under the covers, and lets her fingers trail four parallel lines across the inside of his muscular thighs. She feels him tense under her touch, then stirs uncomfortably, as she is well aware of the effect she has on his body.

"Andy." He whispers, and she recognizes that tone, the way he suddenly needs her.

She doesn't stop, just inches closer, then back down towards his knee. "Just say the word and I will stop." She is not a selfish person, won't hurt his recovery because she needs to get laid. Sure, she has her needs, and going from having toe-curling sex available to her at all times to no sex at all for three months is hard, but Andy is not a woman to think with her libido. It's more than that, more than the primal need of sex and of the mind-blowing orgasm she knows he is able to give her. It is the need to move with him, to be as close to him as two human beings can possibly be, to fade into him and feel him fade into her, until neither of them knows where one ends and the other begins.

And she needs it, that closeness, that feeling she has never felt toward any other man before.

She has missed him for 43 days, each of them stretches longer than the one before, and she needs tonight, so she will have the strength in her to keep going.

"I will have to tell everyone about this in my next AA meeting." He breaths, then bites his lower lip as both of her hands are now under the covers, hooking at the band of his boxers and pulling them down to his ankles slowly.

"You share stories about our sex life in your meetings?" Andy chuckles, a complete opposite to the urge to cry she felt just a minute ago. She knows he doesn't, knows he is a rather private person, and going out and about telling tales from the bedroom isn't really his style. She also knows that they are breaking the only rule they set, and that he will probably have to share it, being part of the ups and downs of the road to sobriety.

"Do you consider this slipping? Do you consider me a slip?" She asks, and suddenly her voice is trembling. She hates to think about it that way, it makes her feel cheap and replaceable, like she is just another body to keep his bed warm, instead of the woman he vowed to love and to hold every day for the rest of his life.

"Hey..." He pushes himself up to a sitting position, his palms digging deep into the mattress. "Don't ever underestimate yourself like that." When she says nothing, he continues. "Promise me." Her only reaction is a nod. "You are the best thing that happened to me in many, many years. I will never, ever consider being with you a slip."

"You know exactly what to say to a woman to make her fall in love with you, don't you?" Andy chuckles, and leans into him, placing a soft kiss on his lips, one of her hands finding its way out of the covers and onto his jaw.

"You have no idea how much I missed this." He mutters as they unwillingly disconnect their lips, leaning their foreheads against each other.

"What did you miss? Knowing that I am about to spread my legs for you? Because really, all you had to do was ask." Andy teases, which earns her a small, playful hit on her shoulder.

"You know it's not what this is all about."

And of course she does, because there is so much more to it than that primal movement of body against body for her, too. "Robert." She breathes out his name. When he closes his eyes, like he is trying to memorize the sound, the moment, and hums, she continues. "Let's stop talking for now, okay?" He nods, and her lips crush into his.

It has been 43 days since they have shared their last kiss, and she feels like a person who has wandered the desert, and finally, finally found some water to quench the thirst. He is the one to deepen the kiss, to wrap his arms around her neck and pull her closer, to open his lips and moan slightly when her tongue finds his.

Andy moves the covers off of him, doesn't want anything between their bodies, even though all they do at the moment is simply kiss, and she is still fully dressed. Her lips leave his, going down, trailing wet kisses on his jaw line and on his neck, which in turn become nibs, and they in turn become bites and sucks. She finds that spot, right at his pulse point, the one she knows he loves, where she knows he is sensitive, even though he will never admit it.

"Minx." He breathes, and she raises her head, furrows her brow.

"What was that?"

"Nothing." He denies.

"Good. Because I thought we agreed on no talking." She chuckles. She is about to go back to her handiwork, but Robert shifts his balance, and suddenly they roll until she finds herself on her back, beneath him.

"You know, it is really hard to do anything for you when I am always the one who finds herself being pleasured, while you do all the hard work." She wants to use different words, wants to ask him if he is always so eager to go down on his partners, wants to say that the other men she has been with were more than excited when she planned to have her way with them.

But they are them tonight, Andy and Robert, and it is something simple and true, and she would hate to do anything that will pop their little beautiful bubble, like she is certain talking about other sexual partners would inevitably do.

"Oh, it's not that I don't want you to have your wicked ways around me." He chuckles, his hands are under the hoodie she wears, his hoodie, searching, feeling, and when he pinches both of her nipples at the same time, she is taken by surprise, and she screams, can't help it. "But, and I know it might take you by surprise, I enjoy doing this for you." She chuckles, because she isn't surprised, not by a long shot, not when he does this for her in every chance he gets, even in times and places that might be considered inappropriate. "I love watching you shut your eyes and scrunch your nose as an acute wave of pleasure hits you. I love the way you moan my name when you come, and sometimes, when I am inside of you, I am too overwhelmed with pleasure of my own to pay attention to all those little things you do, and I love."

"Well, in that case..." Andy breaths out, choking on her words, because his fingers keep pinching, keep building pressure low in her belly.

"And besides, you know, the female anatomy is quite different from male's in this case. I can make you come, and come, and come, but for me, I only get to come once, and I much rather for that to be inside you."

"You don't have to talk me into any of this. Especially when you enjoy it so much." Robert shuts her with a kiss, and they have been talking for way too long anyway, considering the fact that they have agreed on no talking at all just a few minutes ago. He encourages her to sit up, and when he takes his hoodie off her small body, his eyes go immediately dark, his pupils widening.

The way he looks at her makes a wetness pool between her thighs, and she wonders, for the hundredth time maybe, how one man can make her so wet, without even touching her. His tongue finds her right nipple, and he flickers across it gently, making her thrust her hips up toward him.

God, she doesn't know how she made do only with only her own two hands and the vibrator Maya got her as a joke one Christmas, when she had had quite a long dry spell, and she doesn't know how she is going to go back to them once this will be over.

"I want to do this for you." He says when he finally lifts his head up.

Andy nods, and helps herself out of the shorts, which he didn't make any comment about, weirdly enough, and her underwear, and suddenly they are both naked. She lies back down, her head hitting the pillow, as she lets out quick, shallow breaths, waiting for the man she loves to touch her at the right spot for the first time in over six weeks.

She jumps when his thumb brushes her clit, surprised by the sudden surge of pleasure. She opens her eyes to find him watching her tentatively, lying on his side, his head supported up by his hand, his elbow laid on the mattress by her head.

He was serious about watching her, then. There is an urge to cover up, to hide away from him, even though she knows it is silly. He has already seen it all, and did everything to her. Well, at least everything she feels comfortable with doing. Hiding is ridiculous, and pointless, because he is doing this out of pure love for her.

"Too much?" He asks.

"Next time a warning will be nice." She answers.

"Lie back down for me." He requests. Andy clenches the sheets in her hand as she waits to see what else he got in store for her. His hand surrounds her opening now, doesn't touch her quite anywhere, frankly. His fingers brush across her smooth skin of her lower lips, and he hums in appreciation.

"Ready?" He asks, and she bites down on the inside of her cheek and nods. The sensation of his thumb on her sensitive bundle of nerves doesn't feel as acute this time, but rather settles on something slow and steady, something that builds pleasure in her lower belly and makes her toes curl.

He spends quite a lot of time there, because he hasn't touched her properly, didn't get her as wet as she usually is after he plays with every possible part of her body, before making his way down to that particular spot.

It is different today, soft instead of teasing for a change. Their time in the bedroom is usually a war over control, of fingernails digging into skin and rolling around in bed to settle who will have the upper hand, and she enjoys it, but tonight... Tonight is different. He is different.

And maybe that is what knowing this is the last time feels like. They will find their way back to one another in 47 days, she is sure of that, but tonight is about filling up on everything that will keep them going, apart but still together. And maybe that's the reason tonight is about caresses rather than bites, and she is more than fine with it being that way.

She lets out a loud sigh as he inserts one finger into her. He moans in reaction, and buries his head in her neck again, as if this action had more effect on him than it did on her, and he is the one who has to catch his breath when he feels her, warm and wet and ready for him.

His fingers start to move inside her, slowly, all the way in, then all the way out. He still has his thumb brushing against her clit, and it's good, but it's not enough. She muffles her moan when he inserts another finger, letting it come out as something choked and almost inaudible.

"Don't silence yourself." He requests, and when he picks up the pace, she lets the sounds of her pleasure out, each and every one of them, doesn't hide anything from him. It turns him on, she knows it does, and he returns the favor, working her faster, sharper, using his entire hand, as deep as he manages to reach.

"I am really close." She breaths, even though she doesn't have to, he knows how to read her by now. Knows how to recognize the little signs that tell him she needs just a little something extra to push her over the edge. In a rather deep thrust of his fingers, combined with another flicker of his thumb on her clit, she comes with his name on her lips.

Her mind goes dark, and she is not aware of her surroundings for a second, but as she comes back to reality, she feels his lips on hers, kissing her softly.

"Enjoyed the show?" She asks into his mouth.

"I did, but for some reason, I have a feeling you enjoyed it even better than I did." He teases her, and then they are kissing again, sloppy, wet kisses, filled with tongue and desire.

"You want to be on top?" He asks, because she usually does, and more often than not, he is more than happy to grant her that wish, because it means he has quite a lovely view as she rides him into their mutual orgasms.

"Actually, can you be on top? Just this time, so don't get too used to that."

"Noted." He chuckles, and goes back to the task of kissing her senseless.

She prefers to be on top, likes to be in control, but tonight, she needs to feel his weight pressing on top of her, covering her like a blanket of safety. She needs to feel him when he moves, needs her skin to buzz in every single point their skin is connected.

She needs to remember this moment, she needs one night to last her 47 long days.

"Ready?" He asks, gives her warning this time, doesn't want to startle her. Andy nods and hooks her ankles around his lower back, giving him as much room to enter as she can.

He does nothing other than to brush his tip against her opening, but it draws a whimper out of her, followed by a small mutter of "Fuck."

"I know." He agrees, then pushes forward, inch by inch, starting from the tip until he has himself buried balls deep all the way inside of her.

She tells herself that if she knew waiting would feel so good, she might have waited more, waited longer, but frankly, she doesn't think she has it in her to wait any more, not even for another second.

"You feel so, so good." He chokes on his own words. They stay like that for a moment, completely still. Her fingernails dig deep into the skin of his ass, her teeth biting on his shoulder, hard, so hard that she thinks that if they weren't so caught up in the moment, he might have actually felt some pain.

It's his signal to move. He starts off slowly, pulling back almost all the way out, leaving only his tip inside, then thrusts in all the way. She feels it deep inside of her, sharp sensation that grows deeper every time he pushes in. It is good and deep, and stretches her, makes her feel something she hasn't felt for the last six weeks. And even though it has only been 43 days since they decided to go each to their own path, it feels like it has been forever.

God, she doesn't think she will ever have enough of the man currently on top of her.

"More." She hisses, and he does exactly that, moves faster, with more intent. She is holding on to him with one hand as the other slips its way between their joint bodies, searching for that exact right spot she knows has to be touched in order for her to get another orgasm.

His moves are rapid and sharp at the moment. Andy never thought that there is something as too deep, too much, but apparently she was wrong. Yet she can't feel the pain through the pleasure, as there is so much much of it, making her head spin, making it almost impossible for her to breath.

She let herself forget how good he is in bed over the course of the last month and a half, but now... She is not sure she will ever be able to want any less than what he has to offer.

47 days and she will be able to jump his bones any chance she has.

She doesn't need much more to come, and when he feels her walls tightening around him as she reaches her orgasm, he lets out a moan of her name, then follows her, spilling his cum inside of her and making a mess between her thighs.

"I did not come here with that in mind." She promises, trying to let him know she didn't compromise his sobriety just because she felt horny and needed a good fuck to satisfy that craving inside of her..

"I know." He reassures, placing a kiss to her shoulder, then biting down hard, because it is only fair, after she made teeth indents on his own skin. "I love you, have I ever told you that?"

"Only a couple times or so." Andy chuckles, because he has told her that more times than she will ever be able to count. "I never get tired of hearing that, though, so you are more than welcome to continue." Robert pulls himself out of her, and goes to the bathroom. He cleans himself first, then picks up a washcloth, wetting it, then goes back to tend to his wife.

His hand moves carefully across the inside of her thighs, making sure she doesn't have any of his cum left on her skin. "I think it will be best if I go, won't it?" She asks, pushing herself up using her palms.

"I really don't know what to say." He admits. He looks frustrated, and confused. He looks shameful, too, and Andy doesn't think all those feelings are there because he slept with her, but because he knows that the right thing to do will be to spend whatever is left of the night apart, even if all he wants is to pull her close and sleep feeling her warmth all over his naked body. He looks remorseful, because he knows he will have to send her back to where she came from in the middle of the night, instead of waking her lazily with his kisses and making her a smoothie for breakfast.

"Babe, it's okay, really. I understand why I can't stay." Her voice breaks, because she knows that as long as she is away from him, the nightmares are going to be there, waiting for her, lurking at the dark corners of her lonely bunk.

Andy finds her clothes in between the mess in his bedroom, getting dressed quickly. When she is done, she leans forward, climbs to where he is still lying on his bed.

All she wants is to go back to the fortress that is the space between his arms. Her safest place. Andy places one of her hands on his cheek, brushing her thumb back and forth across his skin. She kisses him one last time, kisses him with everything she has, with all the love she has inside of her, hoping this action will speak louder than her words ever could.

"I love you." She breaths instead of goodbye. Because it isn't goodbye, they will see each other again in exactly 47 days. And besides, there is nothing good about saying goodbye anyway.

She moves down the stairs as quickly as possible, even as she can hear the sound of his footsteps as he follows her, reluctant to let the woman he loves go.

And that's all they seem to know how to do, really. Letting go of each other so they will be able to find their path back to one another, over and over and over again.

"Andy, wait." She hears him behind her, and she turns, even though it will make it so much harder for her to leave the only place she has ever considered to be her home, outside of the station and the house she grew up in.

Robert has his forehead pressed against hers in a minute, and his voice breaks when he whispers. "I hate the fact that you can't stay."

"I know." She promises, because she really does, she knows he has no intention of pushing her away, that he does that because he needs to take care of himself, even though it means hurting her in the process.

And she wouldn't have it any other way, because she loves him, and she wants him to do right by himself, even if it means they have to keep themselves apart, resisting that thing in both of their bodies that keeps pulling them toward each other.

Even if it means her heart shatters a little further every day for 90 long days. Yet even though cracked, her heart is still whole and beating, and it belongs to him, all of it. Will belong to him every day for the rest of her life, as long as he is willing to accept it.

"47 more days." She breathes as she disconnects herself from him, slipping her feet into the shoes she left by the door.

"47 more days." He promises.

Andy closes the door behind her as she leaves, suddenly oblivious to the cold outside.

Her legs feel unsteady, and she can't carry herself, can't walk even the small distance to her own car. Her back glides down against the closed door, and she sits on his stoop, her knees tucked against her chest. She would much rather relish in the afterglow in his warm bed, her body pressed tight against his nakedness, his hands caressing any place they are able to find. But she can do no such thing, so she just sits there, watching the night turn to day until the cold is unbearable, and tiredness takes over her body.

If only she knew he was there the entire time, at the other side of the exact same door, his palm pressed against the cool surface, waiting for something the both of them know they cannot have.

Only 46 more days to go.


	15. One More Minute

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Happy station 19 day! Can't believe we are going on a hiatus again, and so I have a little something for you to pass the time. This is M rated for smut.   
> Anyway, that's it, hope you enjoy it!

Andy notices him when she first steps out of the shower.

She can’t help it, her eyes drawn to his tall form, his presence filling the room and taking her breath away, makes her heart skip a beat before it starts racing twice as fast as it did before, way too fast than she thinks a human heart should pulse. She clutches the little toiletry bag she has in her hands, and tries to come up with something to say as her mind suddenly decides to betray her and goes completely black.

It has been a month.

It has been a month since they have been separated, but it has been longer since the last time she had him between her thighs, on an early morning hour just before they had to report in for another shift. It was the last few moments to be somewhat normal and simple in her life, the last few moments of complete and utter bliss, before her father died and her world started to collapse into itself. And if she had known, if she had the slightest idea that after that morning, her world would never be the same, she might have stayed in that bed with him, asking Robert to make her feel one last time before they had to go.

She hasn’t had sex for almost two months now, and her husband stands in front of her with nothing but a towel covering only a very small part of his body. Her gaze flickers across his abs and his chest, traveling every piece of skin as she is trying to remember how it felt under her touch, under her fingertips caressing slowly every perfectly shaped muscle.

This man is going to be her undoing.

“Hey.” He lets out at the sight of her, sounding as breathless as she feels as he brings her back from the very inappropriate lead her thoughts were following. “I… I can come back.”

“No, no, no.” She is quick to dismiss the notion. It is ridiculous, they work together, they will need to learn how to live with each other three days a week, without feeling that overwhelming need to touch that keeps rising goosebumps on her skin every time she catches him at the edge of her glance. “I am done. The water is warm so…”

He needs to go, needs to disappear into the shower so she can get dressed at the speed of light and make her way to Maya’s apartment, where it is safe and he isn’t there and she won’t feel that wet feeling between her thighs and that warm sensation deep inside her lower belly.

She is a mess, and they haven’t done anything other than look at each other.

“Good. Um… I just had the worst first shift.” He rubs his head as he talks. He seems tense, like this day had him beaten down, and she can’t leave her husband like that, even though every second that passes makes the ache between her legs grow deeper.

“Do you want to talk to me about it?” Andy suggests. She wants to lift some of this burden off her husband’s shoulders, even if it means she will have to fight the urge to wrap her arms around his neck and bring him down to kiss her like she never fought anything inside of her before.

She has to do it for his sobriety, she reminds herself. Has to do it so she will be able to love him every day for the rest of his life, just as she vowed to do the day they got married.

“No, No I am good. I just need a.. ” He is trying to dismiss her, trying to play down the toll that this shift has taken on him. But she won’t go there, won’t let him hide his feelings on her account.

She takes a quick look around, making sure they are under no observant eyes, even though she knows every single one of the members of their shift has already gone home, and the B shift are on a call at the moment. “Come on.” She encourages him, placing her hands on his forearm and drags him a few steps into a corner where they can have privacy, or at least a sense of it.

It is the first time she has touched him in a month, and her skin is on fire, longing for more, begging to feel him as he moves on top of her.

She tries to ignore it, tries to shove down that feeling as she speaks, but it is there, sitting at the back of her mind, just waiting to take control and quiet all the other voices in her head telling her that she really, really shouldn’t.

“I… Ok.” He starts to speak as soon as he gets the chance, letting the things that are weighing down on him go as she takes the opportunity to apply some lotion into her skin. “After Montana, this was the first place that felt safe. So I thought coming back here was gonna be like coming home. I mean, I knew that being a probie would be hard, but I thought the hardest part was gonna be cleaning toilets, or watching you in a towel. This Miller thing…” His hands are on his head again, as the frustration starts to show on his face.

“He is overreacting.” She is trying to reassure him.

She is on his side, no matter what.

“No he is right, that’s the problem. Everything he says is right.”

She needs to keep her hands busy, she understands, keep them doing something so she won’t reach out and touch him, won’t trail a finger across his defined jaw line and that point she knows makes him moan on his neck. She finds her hairbrush in the small bag and starts to move it through her hair, wishes it could be his fingers tangled in it instead, the way she knows reassures him, gives him comfort and solace.

“Look, my dad always used to say, a lo hecho, pecho.”

“What’s done is done.”

“Mmmm.” She confirms his translation with a hum. “You can’t change what you did, Robert.” He sighs, but she continues. “You can only change what you do now, and you are doing everything you can to make things right.” She puts down her hairbrush, and her hands are free now, gravitating toward his body by this force of nature she cannot stop. “You put up with our crappy jokes, you threw yourself into probie work, oh, and I know you had to mop the floors outside your old office, and that had to suck.”

She is moving closer to him now, can’t help it, her hand reaching for his face as she does, and she places her thumb on his chin softly. She touches everywhere then, has to do so, brushes her fingers across his cheek and his chest. “You are amazing, and brave, and resilient.” She can’t breathe between the words, her lungs seem to decide to take the day off just as she needs them the most. “And I am going to need another shower if I have to stand here any longer.”

She will probably need that other shower anyway, with the way the picture of him wearing nothing but a towel is now burnt forever into her mind. She needs to come, needs to alleviate the pain she feels between her thighs, and if he won’t be able to help her with that… Well, she will need to find a way to help herself.

Her back is pressed against the doorframe before she has a chance to comprehend what’s happening, his hand holding onto hers.

He is willing to give in, she understands.

He is willing to break the only rule they made because he needs to feel, only if for a short moment, a moment that she knows he might regret later, when the haze of the afterglow subsides and they will be forced back into the harsh grasp of the real world and dealing with the consequences of their own actions.

And she wants to scream that he isn’t playing fair, that he made the rules, and now it is her job to keep them intact, even though all she wants is to shove the door to her bunk and pull him inside with her.

Instead, she whispers “Two more months.” When she feels his hand on her neck, and his breaths so close, their warmth is radiating on her skin.

“Two more months.” He agrees, and nods.

He is still there when she opens her locker, doesn’t make a move into the shower, even though she made it clear that they can’t progress, that their conversation with nothing separating their bodies but towels is now done and over.

She can feel him behind her, hovering, not standing close enough for her to feel the way he is hard for her, even though she knows he is.

There is no way he isn’t as affected by this as she is.

“Remember what I asked you when we first kissed?” He asks. She feels the sound echo in her head as he whispers the words into her ear. At the moment, her mind is blank, and she can’t remember what she was about to do before he interrupted her so rudely, let alone the words he said in a moment that seemed to take place a lifetime ago. Andy swallows, and grips the door of her locker so hard her knuckles turn white, as she is trying to find her balance. “I don’t remember you saying anything at all, really. I just appeared on your doorstep, and asked you to kiss me.”

“I am not talking about that kiss.” He whispers. She can see in her mind’s eye the way his Adam's apple bob, the way he tilts his head a little to the side, and suddenly she feels as though she can’t keep her knees closed together anymore. “I asked you back then what do you want. I am asking it again now. What do you want, Andy?”

She has her eyes close now, her head tilted down as she can hear her heartbeat thumping in her ears.

She is so attracted to him it physically hurts, like someone is drilling a hole right in her stomach.

“I want you to stay sober.” She breaths.

“What do you want?” He asks again, relentless, because he knows.

What does she want?

Andy turns around slowly, and she can see the way his eyes are dark, his chest rising and falling as he takes each and every elaborated breath.

“Are you sure?” She asks, because she doesn’t want him to hold it against her. Doesn’t want this to be a reason to fight, something they throw against each other when they are angry and spiteful.

“Babe.” He whispers, and she has never been a fan of that specific nickname before she met this man. Her husband. But it sounds so soft coming from him, filled with love and adoration, that she can’t help but close her eyes and take it in, the way his voice vibrates across the air as he says it.

They are the only two people in the universe at the moment.

“I have never been more sure in anything in my life.” He breaks the silence.

Her mouth is on his, and there is a giant wave of relief that floods her as the tension that has been building inside her for the last month suddenly breaks free. Her lips part, and she feels her tongue tangling with his, slowly.

There is a salty taste to the kiss, as she realizes that one of them must be crying. She isn’t sure who it is, might be her, might be him, might be the both of them, yet she knows that those aren’t tears of sadness, nor tears of regret. They are tears of relief, of emotion they can’t control, the same one she feels as his hands finds her thighs and squeeze them hard, just so he knows it is real, just so he is sure it isn’t one of those dreams he had, and he is going to wake up with a trail of cold sweat down his nape and an erection he needs to take care of.

“Please don’t take off my towel yet.” She requests, placing her forehead against his as the both of them try to catch their breath.

“There is no one here.” He insists, toying with the part that holds her towel together, but doesn’t open it yet.

She kisses him again, deeper this time, sloppier as they stumble their way blindly to her bunk. Andy pushes the door open with her back, then shoves it closed as he makes his way in right behind her.

“Let’s make sure to lock that door in advance this time.” Andy teases, bringing them back to said first kiss they were talking about just a few minutes ago, before their mouths were too busy doing something completely different.

She is the one to open her towel, drops it to the floor in a maneuver she hopes is as sexy as she imagined it to be.

His eyes go dark almost in an instance. She knows he has always been attracted to her breasts, among other areas of her body, and today makes no difference. His tongue comes out to trace his lower lip slowly, and she grins, can’t help it as she sees the effect just the sight of her naked body has on him.

Andy takes his towel off too, and she can’t help but chuckle.

They are usually eager to take pieces of clothing off of each other, leaving a trial of fabric as they make their way to the bedroom, as if they leave a trail of breadcrumbs behind them for someone else to find, in case they will happen to get lost in each other, and never find their way back. 

It is usually all searching hands and tugs on buttons, but they have never found themselves naked just this fast, and she can’t suppress that smile that appears on her face.

Maybe they are a little bit too eager. She can’t believe this thought even crosses her mind, but maybe they need to slow down just a little.

“You think it’s funny, uh?” He teases, then picks her up as if she weighs nothing at all.

“Robert, your leg.” Andy is trying to resist, but she is still laughing, even as he throws her into the small bed and climbs on top of her. She knows what he plans to do just by the way he looks at her, just from the way he doesn’t move, just examines every part of her face.

His eyes travel from her eyes to the bridge of her nose then to her lips, but he doesn’t kiss them, not yet.

“You are going to torture me, aren’t you?” She breathes out, her voice needy and filled with lust.

She hates when he does that. Hates it, but also loves it, loves the way his kisses all across her hot skin make her toes curl and her head spin slowly, but she won’t tell him that. She won’t tell him that, because she has a feeling he might make her wait forever if he knows.

He doesn’t answer that question, just places his lips on her neck and bites lightly. Andy sighs, and sinks deeper into the mattress, letting herself enjoy the way his teeth nip lightly at her skin. Her hands find their way to his back, her fingernails leaving ten half moon crescents on his skin as his lips suck, as he applies more pressure.

“If you are marking me, I am gonna mark you.” He warns. He knows she doesn’t like it, knows hickeys and bite marks makes her feel like a horny high school student, like someone she has left way behind in her past.

“It’s not the same.” She breaths, trying to excuse her actions as she holds onto him even tighter. “People see my neck all the time. You can hide your back under a shirt.”

He moves away, giving her a stern look as he waits for her to loosen her grip on his back. “Are you going to order me around in bed, now that you can’t order me around the station?” She teases, but does as he requests. She knows how long he can make her wait, until she begs and squirms under him, and if she is honest with herself, it doesn’t worth the fight. Instead, she clenches the sheets and closes her eyes, waiting for him to do something, anything.

“I missed you so much it hurts.” He whispers, and she feels that confession in her chest, deep in her heart and pulsing in her bones.

She can’t answer that, too afraid to tell him how she feels, because she knows it doesn’t matter.

They might be together today, but they have to go back to being a probie and a lieutenant tomorrow, two people who are so in love with each other they have to pretend they are complete strangers to keep that awful and blissful feeling at bay.

“Robert.” She breathes out his name as his mouth finds one of her breasts, and he starts to suck on her nipple. She lets out a low murmur of “Fuck” as he adds his teeth to the mix, biting hard enough to make her feel a trace of sensation all the way to her clit.

She is a mess, her body still a little wet from the shower, and she is already sweating, panting as his mouth gives the same treatment to the other breast. The ache between her legs is pulsing now, and she needs friction there.

“Lower.” Andy orders as he lets her nipple go with a loud pop sound.

“Patience.” He breathes, and she is on the edge of breaking, on the edge of biting and scratching and fighting over control. And she might have done it, if it was any other day. If they were back at his place, and they found themselves on the sofa, or with her sitting with her legs spread on his desk, or fucking against the kitchen isle.

But she can see it in his eyes when he looks back up at her, can see the overwhelming need to touch, to memorize, to hold onto this moment for the next two month as they will have to keep their distance from each other.

Because they both know that this… This can’t happen a second time.

“You know I don’t have much of that.” She bites back as his tongue traces her clavicle, leaving a patch of wet skin wherever he goes. He moves in the valley between her breasts now, his breath cold against her moist skin. It makes goosebumps rise all over, makes a shiver run up and down her spine as she thrusts her hips up, only to be met with nothing more than thin air.

His lips are on her belly again, traveling down, down, down until they meet her navel. She catches her lower lip between her teeth as anticipation takes over her, and she didn’t mean to end her shift with his head between her legs when she first walked in yesterday morning, but she can’t say she is bothered by the idea.

And she is too far gone, too invested in the moment to stop him even if she wanted to, and yet, she makes the decision in her mind to take whatever it is he is willing to offer and deal with the consequences later, whatever they might be.

“Move to the edge off the bed for me.” He requests, his voice hoarse and filled with desire.

She does as he asks, her entire body is shaking under his glance as she shuffles down the bed, little by little until her hands are hanging off the edge. It is a tight fit, her bunk being so small, and her husband being the tallest man she has ever met, but he manages to sit on his knees comfortably enough between her legs.

Nothing happens for a moment, and she can feel her belly rising and falling with every breath she takes. Her mouth is dry and her head is spinning, and he has to move, to do something, anything, before she is going to explode.

“Robert, Please.” She begs. She can feel his breath warm on the inner part of her thighs, knows he is close to where she needs him when he rubs his nose right against her soft skin, then bites there lightly. His hands are grounding her, making sure she is still as he gives her one slow lick across her entrance.

Her back arches up to the touch, and she lets out a small sigh as he catches her clit between his teeth.

They have been through this a lot, even though they haven’t been together for a long while. It seemed as though the both of them thought from their libido at that time, and she had found him with his head between her thighs more often than she is willing to admit, but just as often as she liked.

He knows what she likes and what she wants by now, knows how to get pleasure built deep inside her and how to make her moan out his name. He knows every curve and every part of her body, has taken the time to learn her the first few nights they have spent together, as if her body is a map of a road he had to memorize, one that will always lead him home.

She can feel the tension starting to build low in her stomach. He nips and sucks on her sensitive bundle of nerves, knowing this will send her over the edge in no time at all. Her fingers find her own nipple, and she starts to tug, starts to play with it between her thumb and forefinger. It is exactly what she needs, and suddenly she feels zings of pleasure running up and down her body, feels everything he does deep in her organs.

This was a really, really good idea, and she doesn’t need much more to come, just a little push that will shove her over the edge.

He pushes his fingers in now, three at a time, and she is taken by surprise so much she almost chokes.

“Fuck.” She mutters again. She isn’t really the type to talk dirty in bed, usually limits herself to soft cries and hushed moans, even when he encourages her to let out those sounds she never thought she was able to make, animalistic and primal and hungry.

And she has to be quiet, they are in the station, and if someone understands what they are up to, he might be in even more trouble than he already is right now.

She is pretty sure it is at least frowned upon when a probie fucks his wife between the four walls of the station, even if they are off shift.

She grabs her pillow and covers her face with it, trying to use it to muffle the sounds she barely can hold past her lips.

“Don’t hide.” He requests. She knows he likes to hear her, likes to watch her when he can, knows how his eyes grow wide and his breath slows down just by sounds of her pleasure.

“We… We can’t.” She barely manages to let out as his hands still work her into an orgasm.

“Drop the pillow.” He says again, his voice stern.

He is gonna boss her around in bed, then, and even if she likes to be in control, likes to be the one to take the lead, it does something to her, and she finds herself not mad about the idea.

Andy lets the pillow off her face slowly, just as his mouth is back on her most sensitive spot. She is still trying to choke down the sounds, tries to keep whatever amount of respect the members of B shift still has for her, just in case they are back from the call.

She is trying with all her might, but when an orgasm washes over her, it is acute and sharp, and she lets out a scream, can’t help it.

When he looks up at her, he seems self satisfied, and has a grin on his face she wishes to erase very much. It takes her a while to relax, takes her a while to catch her breath and to be able to speak long enough to ask him to come over.

He is eager, and she smiles again. She may have smiled more in this little bunk, in this glorious bubble of theirs, than she has smiled the entire month she had to keep him at arm’s length. He sits with his back against the wall, and she climbs on top of him, wrapping her legs around his waist and waits for him to be the one to take the first step.

He pushes into her in one swift move, fills her in a way that feels so good she lets out a little whimper. It hasn’t even been two months, but she needed this, needed him to be buried inside her and set a rhythm she can move to.

And their relationship is about so much more than sex. It is about the way he makes her a smoothie each and every morning, and then wears that expression of disappointment on his face when she reaches out for the coffee every single time. It is about the long conversation they have over takeaway boxes long cold and forgotten, and about the way he never falls asleep until he makes sure she is in the land of the dreaming.

Her relationship is about all of those, and so much more, but she can’t have any of that right now, can only have the way her body moves on top of him, and he meets her halfway.

And they make love that morning.

She isn’t a big fan of this expression, but she doesn’t have a better name to call the way she feels his heart beating in his chest, and she knows it beats solely for her, even when he doesn’t say that in so many words, or in any words at all.

She comes for the second time with his name on her lips like a prayer, like a wish, praying she can hold onto that feeling on the long nights she can’t sleep, in a bed that feels too cold and too strange without him to hold her in it.

He follows her not long after that, and when his eyes are closed she knows he is trying to do the same.

Try to burn this moment in his memory so it won’t fade away.

Her forehead is against his as they both breathe heavily, trying to catch their breaths and come down from their highs. She has a hand on his cheek, her thumb caressing back and forth lightly, not willing to let the moment go.

“We need to get you cleaned.” He is the one to finally break the silence.

“I don’t want to move.”

And there it is again, that annoying, insistent tear that keeps streaming down her cheek, unwanted and uncalled for.

“Okay.” He confirms, nodding his head as she wraps her arms around him and lets her head sink into the crook of his neck.

“Just one more minute.” He declares, even though the both of them know this is a decision neither of them can keep.

“Just one more minute.” Andy repeats, and closes her eyes.


	16. Home

Andy can hear her husband’s heart as it’s beating under her ear.

It’s a rhythmic thumping sound, one that reassures her that he is alive and breathing, one she can’t seem to be able to sleep without. It lulls her to sleep, has her limbs feeling heavy and her eyelids dropping slowly until they are closed, but she is still half awake .

He never lets himself fall asleep before he is sure she is already dreaming, stays alert until he is sure she is deep enough in her sleep that the nightmares won’t wake her, or that she won’t need him to hold her for a little bit longer. She knows he never closes his eyes before he feels her breathing even out and her body becoming still, and tonight is no different.

She has her head on his naked chest, as his fingers roam everywhere, trailing lazily on top of her smooth skin. His nose is in her hair as he breathes her in, and she sighs, wondering if that’s what true and utter happiness really feels like.

“Babe…” She lets out, the word fading softly as the tiredness makes her slur, makes her prolong every letter of this simple word.

“You should be sleeping.” He insists, kissing the crown of her head and lets his lips linger there, unwilling to let go. “We have to report to work early tomorrow, and sadly, I am not your boss any longer, I can’t look the other way when you arrive late because we were too busy getting tangled with each other in a late hour of the night, or lost ourselves in one another just before dawn.”

“I was just thinking…” She trails off, then turns her head the other way on his chest, the closest thing she can do to shaking her head as her body is still pressed against his.

“Mmmm…” He hums. He sounds exhausted, and maybe she should just drop it, save this heavy conversation for another day.

“It’s nothing.” She dismisses. “We can talk about it tomorrow.”

Robert knows her well, too well even, and he knows the thought is still on her mind, won’t let her rest until she lets it out in the open, lets him know what’s been keeping her awake. “I can tell it is anything but nothing. And I have a feeling that you want to talk about it now. I have a feeling that if we don’t, you will twist and turn in bed all night, and neither of us will get any sleep at all.” 

She shouldn’t have brought this up, not right now, but she has come to learn him too, the good and the bad and the ugly, and she knows that he can be as relentless as she is, and there is no point on spending the entire night debating back and forth, instead of actually letting the one thing that has been sitting on her heart out to the air of their bedroom.

It is way past midnight, and she probably shouldn’t have brought it up anyway, even though she knows now it's too late to take those words back. Andy props her hands on either side of his chest as she lifts up her head and takes a quick peek at the alarm clock on his side of the bed, reading 1am in an offensive red light.

They have been invested in each other that night, they way they are more often than not, their hands roaming, their tongues tangling and their bodies moving slowly against each other, meeting over and over and over again.

It is late, the alarm is set to wake the both of them in nothing but four hours, and they are bound to show up at work tomorrow grumpy and sleep deprived, tiptoeing their way to a bunk when no one else is watching and sneaking in a nap, if it will even be possible.

Andy moves her body up the bed, until her eyes meet his. He looks at her curiously, his eyes big and dark and has so much love for her in them she chokes for a moment, the air leaving her lungs and the words refuse to form on her tongue.

“Things have progressed so fast between us. We moved from dating and getting to know each other to married at the speed of light, it seems.” She starts, beating around the bush, still trying to find the right words, though she knows he will listen, even if she chooses the wrong ones.

“Do you regret any of that?” He asks. She takes his hands in hers, squeezing them tightly, reassuring him. And it reminds her of a different moment, one that seems like it took place a lifetime ago, where they have been in a different bed.

Separated, but together.

“No.” She smiles at him, saying his words back to him, remembering them all, word by word. “And I never will. We just didn’t get to have that time before marriage, you know. When you learn to know one another and you try to piece the puzzle together, piece by piece, seeing how well your hopes and dreams fit together into a life two people can share.”

“Andy…” He breathes her name, and she knows. She has to rip off the band-aid and cut to the chase.

She doesn’t know why it is so hard for her. It has been on her mind for months now, crawling its way back to her thoughts late at night or on early mornings, when she was scrubbing the engine clean or drove her car all alone. And the more the idea made its way into her mind, she knew it was the right thing to do. There is no point in waiting any longer.

“I was just thinking about how we never talked about having kids, about starting a family that will be bigger than just you and I.” She blurts out. It has her heart racing, her palms suddenly sweaty, even though the room is not warm enough to have her sweat, and she is naked but the blanket that covers her and his body functioning as a human radiator.

“Oh.” He whispers.

She doesn’t know how, but he can tell she is restless and uneasy. He pulls her closer to his body, snugger than she has ever thought was possible, two human bodies almost desperate to become one. He has his nose rubbing lightly against hers, his hand supporting the back of her neck, keeping her close.

He waits for her to say something more, so she adds. “I have seen you with that safe surrender baby we had around the station, and you looked like a natural dad, you made it seem so easy, so simple. But that was a time where I never thought I will be able to love someone as much as I love you, and I never wanted anything but to step up the ladder of command, one rank at a time. So I need to know what’s on your mind.” She finishes.

“Letting me go first, why won’t you?” The room is dark, nothing but the trace of moonlight that manages to filter in through the window to keep it lit. But she is so close to him, and her eyes already adjusted to the darkness, so she can see the smile on his face and the way his eyebrows arch back, teasing.

“I wanted to be a father.” He confesses, his voice hoarse, yet she can hear him, the only other sound in the room but his words are their breaths, slow and heavy and loud. “Claire and I talked about it, and we tried, but she died before we had a chance to have a baby. And then, for the longest time, I didn’t think it was in the future for me. I thought the only shot I had at being a father was taken away from me. I was lucky enough to find a love like that once, I really believed there is no way I will ever find something like that again, and for the longest time I was fine with it. I was fine being on my own. I never thought I would find something like that again. Someone I want to share my life and my home with, someone I want to build a family with, until the day you held my hand at the hospital, and I knew.”

“Who is the one to stall now?” Andy asks, trying to buy herself a little more time to gather her thoughts.

Why does saying what she wants makes her suddenly so nervous? It is Robert, and she loves him, and she knows him.

“To answer your question, yes, being a dad is something that I would very much like, if my wife wants the same thing.” He closes his eyes and places a soft kiss on her lips, before he continues. “I guess you didn’t bring it up for no reason.”

“I never thought being a mother was something that I wanted.” Andy starts. “But then I met you, and I think… I think that I am ready.” She admits.

She can see his smile, one so big it stretches from ear to ear, and before she has a chance to say anything more he whispers. “Well, I am more than willing to start working on that right at this very moment.” Robert’s lips are on her once again, kissing their way from her hairline down her nose to her neck.

His breath is tickling the skin of her neck, and she chuckles, can’t help it, as his mouth seems to sample every part of her body he can find.

“Robert… Robert slow down.” She places her hands on his shoulders and pushes him off her just a bit, so he is able to look straight in her eyes. “I didn’t mean it like that. And besides, you know that if we start now we won’t get any sleep at all.”

“Screw sleep.” Robert says, as his lips find the delicate spot on her neck, where he knows she is extremely sensitive, and sucks lightly, drawing out of her a soft little sigh. “We can call Bishop in the morning and take the day off, and then we can try some more when we wake up.”

“Yeah, and what am I going to say? Hey Maya, I can’t come to work today because my husband kept me awake all night trying to make a baby?” She asks, her voice breaking as his teeth graze her skin.

“Mmmm.” He mumbles. “Exactly like so.” He chuckles.

“There is something else I need to say.” She breathes out as she finds the words. He can hear her tone shifting from flirty to serious, and he lifts his gaze up.

She already misses the feel of his mouth on her skin when he looks into her eyes.

“Do you remember your first day back at work, after your trial?” She asks, trying to find a comfortable position again.

“Yeah.” He whispers. “What does that have to do with any of this?”

He never heard about that, she realizes, was too busy with his own personal problems to catch up on the details of that specific call, and she hasn't told him, not yet.

“There was this woman in the call we arrived at. She was a drug addict, or an alcoholic, I am not sure, but something felt very off about her and her husband. She was pregnant, and we delivered her baby on site, didn’t even have time to blink between the first contractions to the moment Maya held a crying baby in her arms.”

“Are you afraid that’s gonna happen to you?” He asks, teasing. “Because babies don’t always get delivered that quickly.”

“What? No!” Andy hits him playfully on the shoulder. “I was holding that healthy, beautiful baby girl in my arms, who had time to do no wrong in the few minutes she has been alive, and I just couldn’t stop thinking about what future she might have with these two people being her parents. And I couldn’t change that, I couldn’t give her the happy, healthy family I knew she deserves.”

“I am sorry.” He apologizes, even though the two of them know it’s not their fault. He tucks a piece of hair that fell on her forehead behind her ear, and waits for the rest of the story, knowing there is more to come.

“That baby girl, who didn’t have a name yet when I held her, had her family, even though I don’t know how much of a happy childhood these two could give her. But there are so many children out there who don’t have even that, who need a place to call home and people to call family, and I thought, that if the two of us are ready…”

“You want to adopt.” He cuts her off and states, finally catching up to her line of thought.

“Well, I thought we can be a foster family first. I just can’t imagine a child living in that kind of home, or in no home at all, when we can give a family to them. When we have enough room in our hearts and in our home to love them.”

It is all that she had to say, and she stays silent as she waits for him to say something, anything at all that will break the silence and will let her know what’s on his mind, what’s behind that poker face he wears at the moment. The silence lingers for a few long minutes, and she knows he isn’t asleep, by the way his finger keeps drawing patterns on her skin as he thinks.

“I told you the story about my grandfather. I know that sometimes blood doesn’t run thicker than water. Sometimes, family isn’t the people you share your blood with. And as much as I would love to see you pregnant.” He slips one hand under the covers to find her belly and rub it pointedly. “I would love to give a loving family to a kid even more.” He thinks for a moment, then adds “Does it mean we have to stop trying?”

“Well, technically I am still on birth control, so you can try all you want.” Andy chuckles, a soft sound that turns into a choked breath as the hand on her belly slips low, low, lower.

*******

“Babe. Babe you are shivering.” Robert notes, and to the sound of his voice Andy finally comes out from the haze she has been in.

The morning is chilly, but not as cold, not cold enough to have her shaking lightly as they make their way from their car inside, not when she made sure to dress warm enough. He takes her hand in his and presses it together to his lips, trying to reassure her before he opens the door and holds it for her, letting her in the warm building.

“The hard part is over, Andy. I promise you that.” He tries to reassure, tries to give her comfort as they take the route they already know by heart, the one they have walked a million times before. “They have interviewed us and made sure that we are eligible, did a background check and inspected every single corner in our house. We have everything, we are ready.” He tries to make her ease, tries to make everything better.

“I just keep thinking about every single thing that might go wrong. What if something might happen to her while we are at work? Or what if she will be too upset to see us leaving when we have to go in for a shift?” Andy starts to ramble, but he will have none of that. He just places a soft kiss on her lips, something chaste and completely appropriate to the fact that they are out in public, and waits.

The wait seems to take forever. Time drags on and on, as it usually does on occasions like this one, and Andy keeps looking at the closed door, even though she knows she would have heard it open by now.

“You are going to be amazing.” He promises as he sees her fidgeting.

She can’t help but let her mind wonder back to the night they decided they are really going to do this. He seems so calm, so in control while she is a nervous mess, thinking about all the things that might go wrong.

And then they hear the door opening, and there is a little head full of curls and dreams that peeks at the two through the little crack that was just open, nothing but wide, curious brown eyes that scan them up and down.

Andy can feel it deep in her heart to the sight of the little girl, still hiding behind the half closed door as she peeks at the man and the woman in the room.

For her, they are just two strangers.

For them, she is their daughter, and Andy knows.

There is no possible way to explain the thing she feels deep in her stomach, and then the hand she has in Robert’s squeezes, hard, trying to get a hold.

“Hey, Karen.” Robert greets the social worker. Andy looks up to him, gives him a long once over as if it is the first time she has ever laid eyes on him, and not like he is her husband, and they have been through hell and back together. He looks composed and calm, relaxed and serious.

He is her island in the storm, her safest place she can always go back to, and she loves him for that.

“Andy, Robert.” The woman nods in their direction, acknowledging their presence in the room. The little girl follows the social worker’s steps, clinging into her leg as the two of them make their way from the entrance to the middle of the room slowly.

Andy knows the girl is supposed to be three years old, but she looks so small Andy has a hard time believing it is her actual age. She is tiny, or so it seems, and Andy can’t help but think about what she must have been through, being moved from one family to the other with no real place to call home, with no one to call family, as the toddler looks the couple up and down with eyes filled with suspicion mixed with fear.

She doesn’t know what to say, what will make the girl open up to her and let go of her clutch on the one woman in the room she already knows, and somewhat trusts.

For a moment they just stare at each other, the adult and the child, completely at loss of words as neither of them takes the first step toward the other.

“Andy, Robert.” Karen calls their names again. “I want you to meet Kim.”

Andy grabs the stuffed rhino doll Robert holds in his free hand, and makes her way to the little girl, until she sits down on her knees in her eye level. It makes the girl squirm, makes her hide even further, until her whole body is out of Andy’s sight other than a stray curl and a few tiny fingers.

Andy looks at the doll for a second, and she thinks to herself it might have been a stupid idea. She might not even like rhinos, might have preferred something a bit more conventional like a dog or a cat. She might find the toy scary, which in its turn, will probably get her to close off even further. But Andy had one while she was the girl’s age, and she loved the toy so much she kept it until the entire stuffing was on the outside and nothing from the original form was left.

So she searched every single toy store in Seattle, it seemed, until she found the perfect one, the one that reminds her as much as possible the toy she would drag around with her everywhere she went.

It takes a few long minutes, and even though Andy’s knees start to hurt as they press on the hard floor, she doesn’t move, stays with the hand reached out as an offering of peace.

And then finally, finally something about the girl changes, her face softens a bit, even though it is still nothing that resembles a smile. She approaches slowly, letting go of her grip bit by bit until she stands fully in front of Andy for the first time, not hiding behind anyone else. She reaches out for the stuffed animal, and Andy puts it in her hands.

The girl brings it to her heart and buries her face in it. She is so small, Andy is afraid she will disappear, even though the toy is not that big, not by any means.

“It doesn’t have a name yet.” Andy tries, being the first words she says to the little girl. “We thought maybe you can name it, and sleep with it in your new bed.”

Kim looks at her with eyes that have only the ceriousty left in them, nothing from the fear still present. She reaches her one free arm up, and Andy smiles, a genuine and big smile that stretches from one ear to the other.

Andy picks the girl and places her on her hip, trying to get used to carrying the weight of another small person on her body. She adjusts a little, then the girl rests her head at the crook of Andy’s neck.

She hasn't said a word yet, and Andy doesn’t want to push, so she just lets her be, lets her play with the doll as she hears the social worker say “I will leave you to it.”, trying to give the newfound family some time to get adjusted to one another, to the way their lives are never going to be the same, and hopefully will change for the better.

“Hey there.” Robert says softly.

She has been so invested in this girl that she hasn’t noticed the smile that spread on her husband’s face. It is big and warm, and he uses that tone she only ever heard him use around children, when he thought no one else was there to listen. He places a hand on the small of her back and closes the gap between them.

Andy can’t help but think that they might actually look like family to an outsider at the moment, something so simple and natural, even though she knows it is going to take so much work for the girl to get adjusted to her new life, and for them to get used to having someone else fit in the bubble that used to be only theirs, the two of them against the whole world.

The girl seems to notice Robert at the moment, being completely oblivious to his presence before, and Andy feels quite left out as the girl grabs on his shirt, waits for Andy to transfer her to her husband. He takes her, and the smile on his face grows even wider as she sees his face as it lights up like a Christmas tree the minute he gets a hold of her, and suddenly brightens the whole room.

He is a natural, she could have told, as Kim cracks the first tiny smile in his direction, seems content enough between his arms.

And maybe this is what true and utter happiness feels like.

“Let’s go home. Would you like that, Kim?” Andy asks, knowing they got all the paperwork done a few days earlier, and they are free to come and go as they like.

She is part of their family now.

The girl nods, and then says, with the tiniest voice. “Home.”


	17. Before You Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! This is my take on the ending of 4x05, with a little twist. Angst warning. Hope you enjoy it!

The sand is warm under Robert’s bare feet.

He can feel everything. The sound of the ocean as the tide washes over the shore. The breeze on the skin of his face and his bare arms, rising goosebumps, leaving a salty feeling in his mouth. He can see the sunlight glistening on the waves, making them sparkle, almost as if they glow with every color of the rainbow.

The scenario is almost too perfect to be real, but it is, it must be, because he can still feel his heart beating in his chest.

Robert reaches his hand toward her, trying to grab her palm and lace their fingers together as they indulge in the peaceful moment, in this little piece of heaven only they know.

He only turns his head around when his reached out hand meets with nothing but thin air.

She isn’t there. His Andy.

And then things start to seem a little weird, as if his reality is suddenly blurry around the edges. He is not in Seattle anymore, it is clear from the way the sun warms his face and he wears nothing but a short sleeve shirt. This beach is too beautiful to belong to a state as gray as the one he spent most of his life in, and if he is honest with himself, it is too mesmerizing to belong anywhere in the world, other than maybe an exotic and far away destination he has never heard of, let alone visit.

She ought to be there, ought to spend this blissful moment with him, hugging him from behind and resting her head between his shoulder blades, telling him she loves him without using so many words.

Yet she is nowhere to be found as his eyes scan the length and width of the shore he stands on. He looks all the way into the horizon, but she isn’t there. He can’t remember how he got there either, to this place that seems too astounding to even exist. Robert knows that this is the time panic should rise in his chest, as he has no clue where he is and how to get back to her, but there is something about this place that pulls him with its peacefulness, almost as if it lulls him to sleep.

And suddenly, his eyelids feel heavy, and all Robert wants to do is close his eyes and let go.

“Hey Sully.” He hears a familiar voice coming from behind him.

And it can’t be him. It can’t be him, because this voice belongs to a man who has been dead for two years now. His best friend, a man who Robert had to learn how to live life without him in the world, without him walking the same earth, always being in a distance of only one phone call away.

It can’t be him, because Luke is dead, and Robert is still very much alive.

He is still alive, isn’t he?

“Hey Rip.” Robert greets, and then sits down on the sand, as if it is the most natural thing to do. As if nothing has changed in the past two years, nothing at all, and his best friend is about to uncap two cold beer bottles and tell him about the current ups and down in his love life.

Robert wants to do so many things at once. He wants to run to his best friend and hug him, he wants to punch him in the face for leaving him for so long, for not being by his side when he fell in love again and got married, when he was at his highest and his lowest in the past two years. He wants to scream, because this isn’t right, he is seeing a person long gone, while he is still very much alive and breathing.

He needs to find a way out of this place that makes no sense, so much so that he thinks it might give him a headache, sooner rather than later.

Lucas finds a seat right beside him, close enough for Robert to be able to see the way he smiles warmly at him, yet far away, too far away for two best friends who had found their way back to each other two years ago, only to go each to his own direction once again.

It has been two years, and yet it seems as if his best friend hasn’t aged a day.

“She is here, you know…” Luke lets out softly. He places his hands behind his back and spreads his legs in front of him, leaning into the sand.

“Andy?” Robert asks, his eyes scanning the landscape again in false hope to find his wife.

There is an ache in his chest he can’t seem to let go off when he finds, once again, nothing but the blue sky and a lonely seagull flying in the sky.

“No, not Andy.” Ripley chuckles, even though Robert has no idea what might be so funny, something he is clearly missing out on. “Believe me, you don’t want her to end up here. I know you love her as much as I loved Victoria.”

“Then who is here?” Robert prompts. It seems as if his best friend is taking his time, and even though Robert doesn’t feel any kind of a rush, of an urge to leave his best friend and this little piece of heaven, he wants to know where he is, needs to know how he found himself in this place, and what’s the shortest path that will lead him back to his wife.

He really hates to leave her alone like that, after he just found his way back to her embrace.

“Claire. Claire is here.” Lucas breaths out, as if Robert is slow, as if he is supposed to catch up on something he keeps missing.

“Claire?” Robert whispers the name of his late wife, as if it was a name of a stranger, as if he needs to remember the name of the woman who he was so sure was the one and only great love of his life for so many years, for most of his life, really.

“You know, it’s funny. You changed so much over the course of those fifteen years without her. You became this serious, harsh man, one I almost didn’t recognize more often than not, one who keeps things bottled up and never lets anyone get close enough to hurt him. She, on the other hand, stayed exactly the same as she was at thirty. That big smile on her face and the glistening in her eyes, the hopes and the dreams and that witty sense of humor she used to bring you down every time you did or said something she didn’t approve of.”

“Luke, cut the bullshit.” Robert hisses. It was supposed to be a shout, something frustrated coming deep from his lungs, but he can’t do it, can’t speak above a whisper, too concerned he will disrupt the serenity of this place. “I need to know where I am, and I need to know how to get back to my wife.”

“How is she?” Luke asks, his face suddenly shifting, and there is no trace of that smile anymore as sadness starts to take its place.

“She will be doing way better if I can be back with her, I know that much.”

“I wasn’t talking about Andy. She had you, I know she did alright.”

Had? What did he mean by had? She has him, he promised her that. He promised her to love her every single day of his life, and he plans to make good on this promise as long as he is able to.

It takes him another one long glance at his friend to understand who he referred to. “You are talking about Hughes.” Robert states more than questions.

“Who else could I be talking about?” Ripley asks, his gaze now on the sand as he avoids making any eye contact, probably lost in his own thoughts about love found then lost.

“I don’t know, I thought that for once you would be interested in my life, instead of going on and on about the current drama in your own relationships.” That cracks a smile on Luke’s side. It is tiny, but still present, still there to make the mood a little bit lighter. Robert wants to throw some sand in his best friend’s direction, but the sand seems to slip out of his grasp and between his fingers, like time in an hourglass, which he cannot stop.

“The sand isn’t real.” Lucas blurts out. There is confused silence in the air between the two men, before he continues. “Tell me about her, and I will tell you about this place.”

“What do you want me to say? Do you want to hear that she still misses you, or do you want to know that she has moved on, that she is happy now on her own two feet, or with another man keeping her bed warm on cold nights?”

“I want the truth, Sully.” Luke insists. “I can see her, and I can hear her sometimes, but I can’t feel her. I need to know how she feels. I just need to know.” His voice breaks at the end of the last word.

“She is both, you know.” Robert says. “I have never been close with her, never been too close with anyone in the station other than Andy, even though Vic and I have one thing in common. Losing you.” Robert chuckles dryly before he continues. “But she has moved on, and that smile she has on her face… I think it is genuine more often than not. I know she still thinks of you sometimes, though. Sometimes… Sometimes she stares at the wall near the staircase, and her face won’t have any expression, and I think that in those moments… She misses you, she dwells on the possibility of life with you, on what could have happened if only you didn’t go.”

“It’s not like I had much of a choice. I didn’t want to leave her.”

“She knows that.” Robert reassures.

They stay in complete silence for a long while, each in their own thoughts, about the people they loved and the ones they lost. About opportunities given and chances taken away from them forever. About the moment they lived and experiences they will never get to see.

Robert looks deep into the line where the sky meets the sea, until his best friend decides to finally break the silence.

“I didn’t have much choice, you know. I didn’t mean to leave her, I didn’t want to let her live her life without me, but I had to go. You on the other hand… You still have a choice. That’s what I am here to tell you.”

*********

“Hey.” Andy hears an empathetic voice coming from right above her. She lifts her head up until she makes eye contact with the familiar face, smiling sadly down at her. “God, you look like a nightmare.”

“Thanks, that’s exactly what I needed to hear right now.” Andy bites. She tries to smile at Maya, but the corners of her mouth refuse to go up just like that, and instead it turns out somewhat of a sad frown, one she cannot control.

Her eyes feel watery, but she refuses to cry in front of her best friend. She does more than enough of that when she is all on her own in this stuffy room that always seems to close it’s walls around her and threaten to suffocate her to death. “How did they even let you in here?” Andy inquires. Maya offers in a reached out hand a brown paper bag, which Andy assumes contains food of some sorts, and a cup of coffee.

Andy takes the offer, but places the bag down, and only uses the coffee to warm her palms and calm down her jittery nerves.

“Apparently Carina has connections with doctors in every single hospital in this city. She talked to someone she knows, and they were willing to turn a blind eye so I can be here with you.”

“Thank you.” Andy hums, her eyes locked on the plastic cup, as if it is suddenly the most interesting thing in the world. “But you shouldn’t have. I know this hospital doesn’t take any Covid patients, but still, that doesn’t mean you have to put yourself at risk like that.”

“You put yourself at risk every day for the past week.” Maya tries to make a point.

“I am his immediate family, his only family, Maya! I can’t just get up and walk away, as if the love of my life isn’t lying here, hanging somewhere between life and death.” Andy whispers-shouts, as if she talks too loud, her husband is going to wake up.

As if he is merely sleeping.

“I know.” The blonde’s tone is somewhat apologetic. “But the very least you can do is eat the sandwich I brought you. I know how much time you spent here in the past week, I know you didn’t sleep.” Maya sighs. “Maybe, just maybe, consider coming home with me tonight?”

“Home? Maya what home?” Andy asks, her tone rising, she can’t help it. “He is my home, I am not leaving him. You can go if you want. And I know everyone else is waiting outside too, so you can tell them I appreciate their support, but I am going to stay right in this chair until he pulls out of it.” Andy’s voice breaks as she adds in nothing about a whisper “He has to make it out of this.”

Maya says nothing, just drags a chair from the other corner of a room, making a god awful noise as she does. She sits right in front of her, and Andy hates her best friend sometimes, for being so relentless, for knowing her well enough to be certain that if she leaves at this moment, the loneliness will only make everything so much worse.

Andy holds on to the cup with one hand, as she is lacing the other back with Robert’s limp limb. His palm is cold against her warm hand, and she doesn’t want to think about it, because she knows too well what a cold body means.

For a long while, the only sound in the room is the beeping of the monitor, slow and steady and crazymaking. She wants to break the damn thing, wants to throw it away as she knows this awful sound is going to hunt her in her worst nightmares, long after all of this is going to be done and over, may the outcome be one or another. It will hunt her long after she will be back to spending her nights in his embrace, or when she will have to learn to live without him, learn how to sleep alone in a giant bed filled with so many memories.

She also knows this beeping sound is the only indication the man she loves is still alive, still breathing on his own, even if he is not awake, even if he hasn’t opened his eyes yet.

“They shot him.” Andy breaks. There is a single tear streaming down her face, making its way across her cheek, salty and burning. “He tried to protect me, and they just shot him, without even thinking twice.”

“Andy, it’s not your fault.” Maya tries to give her best friend any semblance of comfort. She tries to reach out and place her hand on her knee, but Andy flinches, and Maya drops her hand.

“But it is!” She can’t keep the tears at bay anymore, as they make their way slowly but surely down her face. “If I just stood back, if I didn’t push past the officer and tried to get in the middle of everything, maybe my husband wouldn’t be hanging between life and death at the moment.” Andy’s breaths are shaky and uneven, and she has to stop between one sentence to the other to make sure she won’t hyperventilate. “His blood… His blood was on my hands and on my clothes. Everywhere I looked all I could see was so much blood, his blood.”

Neither of the two women in the room is a big hugger. They know and love each other, they are a safe anchor in a world that keeps changing around them as people in their life come and go, but they usually avoid having such physical connection, both uncomfortable, each for her own reasons.

Yet Maya is the one to make the move, the one to close the small gap between them and then pull her best friend up on her feet and into her embrace.

If anything, it makes Andy’s tears stream even faster as she whispers. “I don’t think I know how to live in a world where he doesn’t exist anymore.”

********

“So… Are you telling me I am dead?” Robert asks. He is blinking, trying to wrap his mind around everything he just heard from his best friend.

“This is not what I am saying.” Lucas sighs, short tempered from repeating the same story over and over again, knowing his best friend only picks up on the parts of the story he wants to hear, the parts that somewhat make any semblance of sense to him.

“So why am I here?” He asks. He feels as if he had been on this beach for hours on end, yet the sun refuses to set, still standing high in the sky and shines its light brightly in this place that seems out of space and out of time.

“What is the last thing you remember before you found yourself here, with your toes in the sand?” Ripley tries a different approach.

Robert furrows his brow, trying to remember something, anything at all. “Having sex with my wife.” He chuckles. “Holding her, kissing her, offering her to move back in with me.”

“Of course it is the last thing you remember.” Ripley rolls his eyes, as if he has given up all hope to help his best friend.

“Did I die while having sex with her? Because as far as ways to go, this one is pretty high on the very best list.”

“You are not dead.” Lucas seems a bit pissed off, and it might have been funny, if the topic of the conversation wasn’t as morbid. “And no, I am afraid you didn’t get so lucky.” Luke takes another deep breath before he lets the harsh truth out, telling his friend the story about how he found himself in the one place no one wishes to be in, the place where heaven and earth meet. “You saved two teenage girls from a fire, and then you got into an encounter with the police. They shot you, and they didn’t aim for your legs.”

“Oh.” Robert whispers. There is a silence then, long and heavy, the only sound is the waves as they crush on the shore and that seagull, probably calling for his friends, as Robert tries to understand how he found himself where he sits right now, his toes in the sand and his mind a million miles further, with the woman he left behind. “I still don’t know why I am here. Don’t get me wrong, Luke, I missed you, but I miss Claire too. I miss my parents, and if I am dead, then I want to meet them.”

“You are not dead!” Ripley yells, as he stands up and starts to pace in front of Robert. “You are somewhere in the middle. A part of you has already let go, but the other part of you is still grasping at something that’s holding you back there, with the living.”

“Andy.” Robert whispers her name, soft like a prayer, barely out of his lips.

The one thing holding him back, the one thing he cannot leave behind.

When he turns his head to the spot to his right, where Luke just sat, he sees her, as if she was always there, as if she wasn’t in a place that might as well be thousands of miles away. She has her legs crossed on the sand, and Robert can tell she had been crying, her eyes red and swollen.

“Babe.” He lets out, but when he is trying to touch her, his hand moves right through the space where her skin was supposed to be, as if she is an aurora, nothing more than thin air and a reflection of light.

“She can’t see or hear or feel you.” Lucas points out as he sits at the other side of his best friend, the one not occupied by the image of his wife.

“Hey, babe.” He can hear her voice as she starts to speak. “I don't know if you can hear me.” She smiles at the ground, but he can still see the first tear sliding down her cheek. “I know they say it in every single movie, that people can hear the person they love talking to them, even when they can’t wake up, but it still feels like I am a crazy person talking to myself. There were just a few things I wanted to say to you. You know, before you go.”

It is breathtaking, how close she seems, how real, as if she is really sitting there by his side and talking to him. As if she isn’t in a stuffy hospital room filled with machines that help him stay alive.

“I just wanted to say it’s alright if you want to move on, I understand, really, and I won’t hold it against you. You probably want to see Luke, and Claire and your parents. And I don’t want you to suffer. I don’t want you to hurt, staying here connected to all these lines and devices. I had this past week to adjust to the possibility of living without you, and even though I can’t wrap my mind around it, especially after I just found you once again, I promise you I will be just fine on my own two feet, so you can let go now if you want.”

She takes another breath before she adds a few last sentences. “I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for loving me, through the good and the bad and the even worse. Thank you for showing me what one, true, great love can be like, if I only open my heart to the possibility of it. Thank you for choosing me to be the person you spent the rest of your life with, even if they did get cut extremely short.” She is shaking as she adds one final request. “Can you please tell Ryan and my dad that I miss them, just in case you meet them there?”

She breaths a last I love you, and then she is gone, her image scattered to the wind.

Robert brings up his hand to wipe down the sole tear on his face. Every single bone in his body aches with need to be there, to wrap his arms around his wife’s small body and comfort her, love her the way she deserves to be loved.

He can’t possibly leave her alone, after everything she lost, after everything she had to give up.

They are all they have, after all.

He jumps up on his feet as he looks at his best friend. “I need to get back to her. Show me the way.”

*********

Andy needs to get up from the chair she is sitting on next to Robert’s bed.

Maya is long gone, leaving her once again alone with her thoughts and her sorrow. Andy knows her best friend was right. She needs to shower, and change her clothes. She needs to eat and sleep a little, just enough to feel like her body is her own once again, like the person looking at her in the mirror is not a sad, miserable reflection of herself, someone she doesn’t recognize nor one she want to be.

She needs to find a way to say goodbye.

Just until visiting hours will be over, she tells herself, and laces her hand with her husband’s ones again. Her free hand is traveling up and down his arm, in a manner that she knows he used to adore when the two of them lied in bed in the afterglow, naked as in the day they were born. He used to lean in to the touch, and ask her to never let him go.

The memory brings back to her eyes and a small smile to her face, and at first she doesn’t notice the little twitch in her husband’s body. She is sitting in the chair next to Robert’s hospital bed, but her heart is at another part of the city, left on a cold office floor, waiting for him to pick it up and piece it back together. Her mind is wondering too, taking her back to the bed they shared and to the cold nights they spent entangled under the covers.

She has her attention back on him when she feels him squeeze her hand. It’s small at first, a tiny clutch of fingers, but then it gets stronger, firmer.

She needs to stop crying, needs to find a way to slow down the tears and pretend she has been strong for the both of them this whole time, even though this week was broken and beaten her down to the lowest spot she has ever been in.

“Andy.” He whispers her name, his voice hoarse and raspy. His eyes scan the room, searching for her, disoriented and confused, even though he must be able to feel her palm pressing warm and tight against his.

“Hey.” She murmurs back. She stands in front of him, making sure he can see her face as he looks straight ahead, so he won’t have to move his body, probably sore and aching, even an inch.

“I didn’t let go.” He hums, and manages to smile at her


End file.
